Teens Need to Forget Allowance and Try Extorting Their Parents Instead

Kevin Ashton
$50,000 Teen: Kevin Ashton
Apparently tired of performing the rote grunt work of childhood — doing the dishes, taking out the garbage, mowing the lawn — a Florida kid strategized a more creative, albeit illegal, way to wrangle money from his dad.

Seventeen-year-old Kevin Ashton disappeared from a celebrity tennis tournament, which sparked a massive manhunt that included the FBI. Two days later, he called his father claiming he’d been kidnapped and that his abductors wanted ransom for his safe return. To the tune of $50,000.  

Except there were no kidnappers. There was no plot. Just a get-rich-quick-off-my-dad scheme between a boy and his trusty accomplice (because what would this kind of story be without a fellow fool by their side?). Both Ashton and his simple sidekick, Joshua Pee, 23, were arrested. 

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Ashton went without incident, but Pee fled on foot and, looking for a place to hide from cops, broke into the home of a woman who was ironing her clothes and minding her own business. Silly, silly man. That right there added a few more charges to his tab before he was finally carted off to the pokey. That’s not the way a tough-guy extortionist should act. Geez.

At any rate, Pee ended up getting the shock of his life a la a current from a Tazer and was also found to be the person who made the call to Ashton’s father demanding the ransom money.

All I infer from this silliness is this: my homeboy Kevin Ashton must come from money. Because please believe that, as much as I love Girl Child, if a kidnapper called me up demanding a lump sum of 50 grand for her safe return, she’d be out of luck. I’m pretty sure the bad guys would be stuck with her for much longer than they anticipated as my family tried to scrape and pull $5,000, much less $50,000. Extortion is not one of the plots of the working poor.

What’s the worst thing your parents made you do for allowance or spending change?


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