Watching 'The Hills' Reboot Reminded Me I'm Too Old to Care Anymore

The Hills: New Beginnings

After months of waiting, The Hills reboot finally premiered last night. Almost nine years have passed since we said goodbye to the cast, watching Brody Jenner and Kristin Cavallari embrace before the studio lot was revealed in the most "gotcha" of ways. We all knew The Hills was fake, and yet, I still felt the need to dedicate a Monday night to seeing how the reboot would play out and if it could transport me back to a time when I had minimal responsibilities and grown folks bills -- even if for 60 minutes (well, 66 per my DVR).

Sitting through The Hills: New Beginnings, I quickly realized I'm too old for this and need to reclaim my time with the utmost quickness.

  • I should've known this was a moment of poor judgment when my husband yelled from downstairs, "You're still watching that fake show?!"

    He's pretty much anti-reality TV but remembers our earlier years and how I had to tune in to see if LC and Heidi would ever repair their relationship, and how Kristin signing on to the series would affect things. Back in my mid-20s, I guess I had time to spare watching other people's drama unfold -- scripted at that -- but he refused.

    ... and I guess I never learned my lesson.

  • Advertisement
  • I was curious to see if the magic was still there to make me feel like I was 24 again, instead of a tired mom of two sitting next to a laundry mound.

    There's a reason why we millennials love our '90s shows. They bring us back to a time when things were less complicated, with the most pressing issues being that biology test we forgot to study for, if we were going to hit up Claire's on Friday night, or if that special someone we dreamed about living in a mansion with after playing MASH felt the same way about us.

    There were no evils such as student loan debt, trying to demystify employer health care options, and taming sometimes possessed and ungrateful little creatures known as our children. I remember feeling carefree for those 30 minutes back in the '00s and was hoping a blast from the past -- and a 5- and 4-year-old sleeping in their beds like they worked three jobs  -- would get me back to a place of no effs given.

  • But all I got was business as usual with some Love & Hip Hop camera angles.

    The Hills reboot didn't even start with Natasha Bedingfield's "Unwritten." How am I supposed to get in my feels -- or drench myself "in words unspoken" -- if we can't even do that?

  • On a positive note, it's great to see Audrina be so transparent about life after divorce.

    View this post on Instagram


    A post shared by Audrina Patridge (@audrinapatridge) on

    Audrina Patridge had a pretty nasty split from BMX pro Corey Bohan. Seeing her move into her own home after admitting she moved back in with her parents is probably one of the realest things we'll see on this show.

  • Stephanie's beef with Spencer and Heidi, however? Not doing it

    As much as I lived for Lauren Conrad confronting Heidi back in the day with her "You know what you did!" -- aka "We can handle this however, but the BS stops today" readiness -- I want no parts of an unnecessary family feud. Stephanie Pratt has spent years whisking off in her privilege from one fauncy (emphasis on the "u," 'cause I can't afford that) destination to another, and you mean to tell me she couldn't get her international minutes together to phone home and try to squash whatever is going on with her brother and his wife?

    I'm not saying Speidi is without culpability here, but what I am saying is that I don't want to see a season of unnecessary hair flips and squinting for the cameras -- especially because there's a kid (Spencer and Heidi's son Gunner) in the mix.

    Either go on Family Feud to learn how to work together for some coins, or call Iyanla to fix your life.

    Sidenote: Speaking of Stephanie Pratt, I had to do a double take when I saw her, because I was questioning why Paris Jackson was on the show.
  • ... or rando cast members with no ties to the original show popping up just because.

    These days, clout chasing is a full-time gig, and although Brandon Lee (Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee's son) seems to live a somewhat quiet life with an assortment of white tees and a home his mom loves running around to sage (that was cute), it feels like Mischa Barton is trying to use The Hills to make a return to the celebrity scene (it drips with Lindsay Lohan vibes) that comes off -- at least to me -- as inauthentic.

    There are tons of opportunities to reintroduce yourself at Hallmark (they have movies for every occasion, season, and emotion), especially because they gave Lori Loughlin the boot. We don't need your opinion about any drama that involves the original cast, so when people are screaming at each other across the table in some overpriced restaurant, just mind your business and keep quiet.

    Apparently, an MTV exec said Mischa and Brandon were asked to be on the show to provide "a fresh, new perspective" and open the group to "new things," but nobody asked for that.
  • I'm also not entertaining struggle love in 2019.

    Yes, Justin looks good with his haircut. Yes, he and Audrina have chemistry. Yes, they both appear to be single.

    I still don't want them to get together.

    We've been on this ride a number of times now, and no amount of mood lighting and cameras capturing these two holding their smiles for six seconds will make me root for this to work out. Heck, we can't even get any Hills: New Beginnings previews for the upcoming episodes without speculation (and questionable video clips) that Justin and Stephanie hooked up.

    Move forward with your life, Audrina.

  • Honestly, The Hills should be called The Brody Show, 'cause that's who's going to carry it.

    Brody was married for all of two minutes before determining sleeping in his truck in his driveway would be more peaceful than with his wife. Previews for upcoming episodes show Brody having issues with his wife, Kaitlynn, Brody and Spencer getting into it, and Brody's house burning down during those fires (crazy).

    Basically, The Hills execs could've probably saved money reviving this beloved series and giving Brody Jenner and Kaitlynn their own reality show a la Nick and Jessica's Newlyweds series.

  • Yeah ... it's a wrap for me.

    Watching The Hills: New Beginnings almost nine years after the original series ended made me feel old -- like "Oh, so you're still doing that?" old. I no longer have the time or energy to dedicate to watching people deal with the same drama and new people joining the mix just because.

    I'm tired, have my own responsibilities, and feel I should invest my time in something more useful, like mindfulness or practicing my nice face when fellow moms come together away from their kids only to want to talk about said kids.

tv reality tv nostalgia