I Was a '90s Kid Without TV -- Here Are 10 Ways I Totally Missed Out

I was not allowed to watch TV as a kid, which mostly means that I grew up aware that a TV was a thing that people generally liked, but also assuming that its entertainment value only really stretched between baseball games and Jeopardy! reruns, two programs which I happened to see a lot of during trips to my grandparents'. I was pretty okay with my sad, cartoon-less life until around college, when people started using Friends and SpongeBob to bond. I'd just half laugh and be like, "Yeah! Patrick! I also feel nostalgia for this pink star-shaped cartoon!" and hope they'd believe me, which they never did. 

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I get that there are bigger and more important things that one could be deprived of during childhood (like, you know, water and education), but in the name of self-pity and self-destruction, I compiled a list of the 10 things I missed out on by not having a TV:

  1. Bonding. Like, for God's sake: Just because the first time I wrote this out I spelled it The Powder Puff Girls instead of The Powerpuff Girls does NOT mean I'm not worthy of love and friendship, OKAY.

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  2. The vague threat that I could be turned into a talking cat if I try to take over the world again.
     
  3. Faves on all my fire tweets about Friends that came 10 and a half years too late.
     
  4. Also, hours of my adult life wasted watching Friends reruns.
     
  5. Tamagotchis. And like, every other cool toy that was advertised on TV post-1993.

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  6. A crush on Shawn Hunter. What is it with this guy? Beer flavored nipples?
     
  7. The entire point of James Van Der Beek's character in Don't Trust the B-- In Apartment 23. I GOOGLED WHO YOU WERE, JAMES VAN DER BEEK. I AM SO SORRY.
     
  8. Okay, this one is complicated, but stick with me: Most '90s kids, from what I understand, have a complex relationship with Nickelodeon's slime that I can never truly understand. They want it, they fear it, they associate it with fame, and they associate it with failure. They also all lost their sh*t when they figured out what it was made out of, and I was just kind of like:

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  9. Learning that lazy could be cool. Oh my God, I could have gotten away with doing so much less stuff. 
     
  10. Lastly but most importantly: I might be wrong, but I feel like my life might be on an entirely different trajectory if I had seen Stephanie Tanner leading a dance party to Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch while I was still an impressionable child. Y'all were blessed.


Image via holbox/Shutterstock

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