'Game of Thrones' Season 4 Premiere Recap: Never Come Between a Hound & His Chicken

game of thrones two swordsAfter what seems like an eternity, as well as the longest winter ever, the season 4 premiere of Game of Thrones, "Two Swords," is finally here! Seriously, it's finally time!! After what can only be described as an incredible season 3, featuring the highly anticipated Red Wedding, there is so much to look forward to this season as well, which many fans have spoiled for themselves by reading the books in A Song of Ice and Fire series.

Still, the premiere does not disappoint. Not only do we get to see some of the fallout from the tragic events that took place last season, a couple of our favorite characters are actually getting a moment to shine. So let's delve back into the world of Westeros and go on a fantasy-filled journey like no other show has been able to do before.

There are obviously major SPOILERS ahead for "Two Swords." Go watch it now and then come back!


If we needed any reminder that the Starks are truly and utterly decimated, it was Tywin Lannister re-forging Ned Stark's Valyrian steel greatsword Ice into two other swords in the opening shot. Gone is the wolf; all that remains is the lion (oh, and those pesky White Walkers, but who cares about them). What better way to prove that than by destroying the last of Eddard's most prized possessions.

Sadly Tywin's son, Jaime, of whom we all grew fond in season 3 (despite him hooking up with his twin sister and pushing Bran Stark out a window when they were caught, essentially the move that began the war upon which this entire series is based), did not get the warm heroic welcome he was expecting. Tywin gifts Jaime with one of the swords (and it's easy to be slightly petrified of who the owner of the second sword is going to be), but because Jaime's sword hand was cut off during season 3, he gives his father a WTF look. Then Tywin oh so kindly reminds him that he can “never be good” again. Father of the Year, that Tywin. They argue when Jaime refuses to resign from the Kingsguard, no doubt in an attempt to stay closer to Cersei.

Then Jaime gets an equally bitter welcome home from Cersei, as the first thing she can blurt out to him was "You took too long."

In a more lighthearted scene, Jaime's second half, Brienne, is seen dressed up as a lady, which leads to an amazing quip thanks to Lady Olenna: “My word!” On top of that, a transition from a statue of Joffrey to King Joffrey the Disgusting Himself is another chuckle-worthy moment, if you can call it that, in the season 4 premiere. Joffrey, how we did not miss you.

Tyrion seems to be the only one worried about what the Red Wedding means for the Lannisters. The rest of the realm is united in their anger, as it is a horrific sin to slay a guest in one's own house. Still, Tyrion's duties require him to greet Oberyn Martell, aka the Red Viper, who has one of the most Game of Thrones-y entrances in all of Game of Thrones. As he reminds Tyrion that the "Lannisters aren’t the only ones who pay their debts," he and his equally kinky paramour Ellaria Sand check out a few (obviously naked) whores to have a threesome with as well as get into an argument with a couple locals. On top of all that, Tyrion has to deal with the fact that his family was responsible for the murder of his wife's brother and mother. Poor Sansa Stark feels absolutely abandoned and stuck with a dwarf for a husband and married into a family she hates. Will things finally get any better for her this season? With the arrival of Dontos, who promises to help Sansa -- well, she could use all the allies she can get.

Speaking of broken hearts, Ygritte and the wildlings are still preparing for the attack on the North. A brutal clan of Thenns is introduced as well, showing that perhaps all is not as harmonious as it seems in the wildling army. If these guys go up against Jon Snow, plenty of his fans most certainly will worry about what will happen to Jon's pretty, pretty face.

Though Jon is also suffering from the repercussions of his torrid love affair with Ygritte. His superiors question his actions from the past couple seasons, and though it looks bad, Jon knows that his honor is in tact and that everything he had done was for the good of the Night's Watch. Luckily, they don't behead him or anything, as he certainly isn't the first to break his chastity vows.

On the other side of the Westeros universe, Daenerys Targaryen and her Unsullied army make their way to Meereen, the last of the great slave cities. Her dragons are getting so big, Drogon even has a little hissy fit with Dany. “No one can control a dragon, not even their mother,” Jorah says, who is most likely just jealous Dany loves her dragons more than she loves him.

Daario, who looks quite a lot different from season 3, flirts with Dany by giving her some flowers, though all that comes to a disturbing end when they come to discover that the road to Meereen is paved with dead slaves (at every mile on their 163-mile journey to the city) as a warning to her. As Dany has always wondered: Can she rule all of Westeros if she can't even control a couple of cities?

Still, the most badass, cheers-worthy moment of the night had to go to Arya Stark. With her father, brother, and mother dead, her sister and two younger brothers god knows where, and her being stuck with the deformed, murderous Hound, she is able to do what we all have been hoping for since season 2: Reclaim her sword Needle, which Jon gave to her in a sweet moment all the way back in season 1.

In the third book, Arya ruthlessly murders the Tickler, who was the interrogator and torturer she and her friends ran into in season 2. This time, she and the Hound run into Polliver, a Lannister man-at-arms who once killed her friend Lommy. Polliver is also on her kill list. The Hound gets into a fight with a group of men when they stop at an inn, but toward the end of the violent fight, Arya summons up her courage and brutally stabs Polliver through the neck. It's freakin' AWESOME. And such a defining moment for her character. But not before the Hound quips, "What the f*ck’s a ‘Lommy’?" Sad to say ... the Hound actually had some of the most hilarious moments of the premiere. Seriously, don't ever come between a man and his chicken.

Some funny moments, some violent moments, some nude moments, lots of Tyrion, a catchup with all our favorite characters (though there was no glimpse of Theon, Bran, or Stannis) -- it's certainly a perfect way to set up season 4. Now it's time to watch it over and over again because I can't believe Game of Thrones is finally back!

What was your favorite moment of the season premiere? How many Dornishmen do you think it takes to f*ck a goat?


Image via HBO

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