'Sons of Anarchy' Recap: Surprise Guest Star Makes Us Love Nero Even More

Sons of AnarchyAll righty, Sons of Anarchy fans, here's where we left off last week: Jax's deal with the Irish didn't exactly work out, Gemma endured a truly unpleasant conjugal visit with Clay, and trouble with the club finally heated to the blowing point. Also, Tara's hair continued to be inexplicably horrendous.

Funnily enough, the best part of last night's episode for me also involved someone's bad hair -- specifically, the removal thereof. Who knew the D.A. was such a badass-looking woman when you take that dead rodent off her head? Other high points in the latest SoA: Jax's startlingly realistic elbow strike followed by a deranged grin, Tig shouting about how he's seen Smokey and the Bandit like a thousand times, and the truly awe-inspiring pair of fake tits on the evening's surprise guest star.

If you're all caught up with the latest Sons of Anarchy, titled "Salvage," let's discuss!


The clubhouse. It's utterly destroyed, as we see firsthand during an almost comically long silent-except-for-the-soundtrack exploration carried out by Chibs and Jax. Seriously, this scene is going on FOREVER. Finally, Jax speaks: "I did this." What was your first clue, Jax? Chibs is more forgiving than I am, though: he picks up the gavel and solemnly hands it over. Oooh, metaphorical leadership-acknowledgment moment. "We're gonna fix this, brother. Yeh hear me?" Chibs drawls in his sexy Scottish brogue. *Movie announcer voice* IN A SEASON FILLED WITH MOSTLY UNLIKABLE CHARACTERS, ONE MAN RISES TO THE TOP. God, I love Chibs.

The Irish. Maybe the council isn't feeling so great about Galen's decision-making skills now that Jax revealed that he hadn't killed Connor? "I told you, I didn't want a war," Jax said. Galen: *weasel eyes* For now, though, SAMCRO's held under the Kings' peace treaty terms, which can be described as follows: do what we say or we'll blow up ALL the clubhouses. We have HUNDREDS of shamrock pens!

Tara. Tara's not pregnant, right? Or is she? I'm thinking no. Anyway, she's moving forward with accepting Unser's help for her divorce exit strategy and backup plan if she goes to jail. "You're spinnin' a lot of plates there, sweetheart," Unser says. No kidding. Everyone is on this show, I feel like they must all go home at night and pore over Gantt charts and to-do lists to keep track of it all.

Bobby. Turns out he wasn't out trying to start his own charter after all! He was just looking for more members to bring to Redwood! Shwoo. Guess we can cross out that nebulous side-story with a red grease pencil.

The requisite cheesy hardcore music action scene. This went down in Eden, where dirty cops try to take the Sons' bikes and Juice goes crazy and a kooky road chase breaks out. Do you air guitar during these scenes? Of course you do, unless they play rap, in which case you have to do Gangster Arms. The best part about the whole Eden plotline comes when SAMCRO visits the chop shop and forces the cops (via the aforementioned elbow to the face) to apologize to everyone for their bad behavior.

The D.A. FINALLY SHE TAKES OFF THAT TERRIBLE WIG. "It's time to go hood, sista," she tells herself, and hey, how much better do those braids look? Not that I'm rooting for her to charge Nero for Toric's crime and personally prosecute Tara, but hooray for the hair. Maybe she can give Tara some tips on improving her personal appearance, starting by ditching her TJ Maxx Junior's section wardrobe and working her way up to that awful shag 'do.

Jax. Jax delivers one hell of a monologue at the summit, and it's actually quite moving and inspiring until he snickers about getting out of guns and going deep into pussy. It's otherwise a great speech, which is why I'm initially confused as to why the members respond by pounding the table like they're trained horses performing rudimentary math calculations. Oh, I see, it's their macho club version of applause. No wonder they need such a big sturdy table.

Last but not least: VENUS. Ah, the much-anticipated return of Walter Goggins as Venus Van Dam. I'm thrilled to clap eyes on this character again, even though she was way more entertaining last season when she captivated Tig. This time around we get some of Venus's backstory, which serves to make us even more fond of Nero. I'm not sure why we have to endure seeing Gemma tend to Venus, though. Does anyone still like Gemma at this point? I really and truly don't, so it galls me to see her all motherly and pressed up against Venus's magnificent hooters. And by the way, can we talk about how the show's FX department can't do wound makeup for crap (I'm looking at you, Opie's ex), but have somehow magicked up the best pair of fake breasts I've seen outside of a Real Housewives reunion?

All in all, this was by far my favorite episode of the season so far, maybe because we got a little breather from the nonstop murder and mayhem. Jax's grin when he smashed the cop in the face was pretty much worth the price of admission on its own, and of course we got that wonderful Smokey and the Bandit shout-out from Tig. Plenty of bad things are still coming, of course, but pacing doesn't work unless you pull back on the reins a little, which is exactly what this episode did.

What did you think of last night's Sons of Anarchy?

Image via FX

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