'The Real Housewives of Miami' Recap: Adriana De Moura Gets Married & It's a Total Disaster

adriana de moura You know what's even more rude than forcing your wedding guests to make a costume change halfway through the day in the non-privacy of their cars? Keeping them waiting for a grand total of five hours between the ceremony and the reception. HAPPY WEDDING DAY ADRIANA DE MOURA! I lift the glass full of the Pepto which I had to swill throughout the hour due to the anxiety caused by your wedding and offer my best wishes. 

We've waited a good chunk of the season to see Adriana De Moura and Frederic Marq get hitched. Now that the day has arrived, was I surprised that it went off ... with several hitches? Absolutely not. Plus, Bravo saw fit to temper the doses of Adriana's histrionics with a few decent moments with Lea Black. In that respect, all was right in my quiet little world. 


Lea's contribution to the episode was a study in quiet melancholia. Look, there's Lea being dragged into the ocean by a bunch of naiads. They think she is a sea witch. At the beach, Alexia Echevarria tried to rehash Lea's fight with Marysol. Lea and her jaunty witch-turban were having none of it. To the ocean with the sea witch, cried Alexia! And so was Lea flung into the not-so-murky Miami waters. There she was left to float or drown. When next we saw Lea, she was sitting quietly in her closet with Joanna Krupa as the two tried not to talk about being bumped from the guest list at Adriana and Frederic's wedding. Boo. 

Then there was the actual event itself. It was an embarrassment. Did Adriana eventually emerge looking beautiful in a stunning lilac-colored gown? Yes. But was this moment overpowered by her hours of whining, B-12 butts injections, and general malingering? Totally. I'm sorry, I don't care how "stressed" you are -- being that late is as rude as spitting in someone's face, and several times more expensive.

Is it any wonder that Lenny Hochstein tried to bail after waiting for hours at the reception for the couple to make their first appearance? 9 p.m. is a pretty late start to begin with ... typed the oldest woman in the world. Still, I was so happy someone had no time for this nonsense. "I'm Brazilian, I can't help it." You shame the nation of Brazil, Adriana. Stop perpetuating negative cultural stereotypes. For real though.

The already tense situation only served to highlight the strife between Lisa Hochstein and Lenny. Fertility woes are getting to them. Lisa was pissed when Lenny tried to leave early. But does it count as early if you've already technically stayed for hours? I feel like maybe Lisa is falling victim to an old Housewives curse. Remember her weird non-fight with Marysol Patton last week? Ha ha, and then how it happened again this week because Alexia slyly restarted it? Good times. Lisa has figured out that being "spunky" and "difficult" will get her more airtime. But giiiirl, consider the cost. Just ask the sea witch, wailing and crying the tears that no one can see. Because she is in the ocean.

Did you think Adriana's lateness was just a tad gauche or just plain unacceptable?


Image via Chris Gordon/Corbis; Instagram

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