Emily Maynard as ‘The Bachelorette’ Is Painfully Boring

the bacheloretteRaise your hand if you watched The Bachelorette last night. Now keep them up if you thought it was possibly the most boring episode in the entire history of the 17-season long series. Great. Yes. I'm talking to you people still stretching your palms high in the air with that confounded look on your face. We all thought that Emily Maynard's season would be fantastic, that she'd draw us in like ugly moths to America's most beautiful flame, but no. It was nothing like that, was it. It was tediously cloying and desperately monotonous. I mean, if I have to hear the phrases, "aw, thank you so much" or "welcome to Charlotte" one more time, I might light my legs on fire just to feel alive, because, basically, I was bored to death.

And here's why.

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Emily is normal. She's a classy mother who doesn't want to do anything wrong, ever, let alone on national TV. She's going to play the whole game safe, and thus, so are the guys. It's gonna be like watching real people try and date, not fame-hungry-attention-seekers-who-go-on-reality-TV try to date, and for that reason, it's going to be inherently uninteresting. Why? Because normal people dating is inherently uninteresting. "So, do you wanna split the shrimp cocktail appetizer? How many siblings to do you have?" Shoot me.

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And since Emily's going home every night to her daughter in their home, I have a theory that the rose ceremonies and the time spent mingling around the house (with all the booze and the cameras) is being cut short. Emily's gotta get up and make breakfast for her daughter, she doesn't want to stay at that house til 3 a.m. getting wasted on network provided champagne. And the guys, as a result of her caution, will be more reserved, and blah blah blah we're left with a bunch of quiet people sitting around a house, trying not to make any waves. It's like Christmas at my house, only better looking.

And, please. Did you see the teaser for this upcoming season?! If the only drama is that Emily drops the F bomb when some guy says she has too much baggage, then geewillickers, y'all, we're in some gosh darn trouble. Emily gets madder than a wet hen and yikes! She slightly raises her voice and curses. I'm shaking in my boots.

I don't think I can continue watching this season. I can get an equal amount of entertainment by getting seated next to two divorcees trying to awkwardly figure out how to date again over some fajitas at Chili's. Emily's too normal. She's a lovely person inside and out, but because of that, she's just not that much fun to watch. Which is maybe why the season premiere was only 90 minutes as opposed to the usual 120. There was nothing to show.

Did you think last night was totally boring?

 

Photo via abc.com

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