'Walking Dead' Recap: We Need to Talk About Shane

(Walking Dead spoilers ahead.) Last week we returned to Walking Deadville, Population: Errbody after the mid-season break, and we left things with Hershel mayyyybe reconsidering his post-Barnageddon decision to evict Rick and the gang, Hershel's daughter Beth was back at the farm suffering from a mysterious disease, and Daryl was doing some angry whittling ("This here pointy stick allows me to access, represent, and communicate my innermost feelin's, which is mainly that all y'all are a gol-damned waste of food").

Oh yeah, and Lori managed to get in a car accident in a world with no moving vehicles. Gold star, Lori.

Here's what went down in tonight's show:

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The episode opens with Lori trapped in her car after the crash and a snarling walker is trying to methodically chew through a half-smashed window to get at her. Its face peels back from getting caught in the glass and I am majorly rooting for the zombie here because 1) it's trying so hard, and 2) I hate Lori so much, but sadly she stabs it with a handy screwdriver and makes her escape.

Back at the bar, which has gotten very dark and gloomy and has also somehow morphed into an old western saloon, Rick, Glenn, and Hershel hear a car pull up outside. Oh crap, it's Dave and Tony's friends! Glenn blocks the door and Rick starts shouting about how he hopes everyone can just, like, be cool about the fact that he had to sort of kill Dave and Tony. The friends are not cool about that, as it turns out, and now there's a shootout happening. Jesus, all these guys are the worst problem solvers ever. If they had a Rubik's Cube they would totally shoot it.


Glenn makes a terrified run for the car and Hershel shoots one of Davy and Tony's friends, who launches into a lot of theatrical moaning. Dave and Tony's friends shout that there are walkers everywhere, man, we gotta get out of here! Sure enough, here come the zombies, and they tear into the injured guy like it's senior discount night at the Old Country Buffet. Another friend attempts to leap into an escaping car but he manages to impale his leg on a fence and now there's a moral conundrum for Rick and Hershel to wrestle with: should they leave the guy or try and save him?


"We should put him down," Hershel says wisely, because hello: horse doctor.


There's a bunch of craziness where Rick insists that they help the guy, whose name is Randall, and Glenn screams that the zombies are coming, and Hershel makes like he's going to amputate the leg (with a knife straight out of 127 Hours, COME ON HERSHEL), and oh shit the zombies really are coming and they're out of time and Rick finally yanks him off the fence. Hey, great idea! Maybe next time you can just shoot his leg a bunch and see if that makes things better!


Meanwhile, Shane finds Lori. Bummer.


Back at camp, Carol's checking out Daryl's bitchin' collection of dead animal pelts and Daryl totally rips into her and it is WAY HARSH. What crawled up your ass and died, Daryl? Carol just looks at him with moist eyes because either she understands something I don't or she's just used to taking a beating; either way, it's super depressing.


Shane and Lori get back and whoops, Shane sort of blabs in front of everyone about how he knows Lori's pregnant. Carl instantly wants to know if it's a girl and if so can they name it Sophia? (Season 2 audience, in unison: "NOOOOOOOOO.")


"You must have a lot of questions," Lori says. Yeah, like "If a Daddy and Mommy love each other very much, and a Shane puts his peepee in the Mommy, who's the baby's daddy?"


Commercial break! I watch the entire ad for Mass Effect 3, thinking, whoah, that looks like a cool movie. Nope, it's Chuck Testa a video game! Man, I'm old.


Rick and the gang make their triumphant return to the farm and everyone's like YAY! Then everyone sees Randall and they're like WE HAVE DISSENTING OPINIONS! Shane wants to get rid of Randall. Hershel thinks Shane should STFU. Shane and Andrea bond because they're outsiders. Glenn acts like a wuss to Maggie on account of how he acted like a wuss at the saloon. Hershel announces that Comatose Beth needs a sedative, which is funny, because she's pretty much the only one who doesn't need a shot of Xanax right about now.


Outside in the camp, Lori and Rick laboriously take off their shirts and groan about how beat up and pale they are. Ugh, this couldn't be any less sexy. Oh wait, yes it can: Lori says, "We need to talk about Shane."

First she tells Rick that whoever the father is (Shane, Rick, the FedEx guy, a walker—you know, whoever!), it's going to be Rick's child, by god. Then she says that Shane is dangerous and can't be trusted and if Rick's willing to kill the living to protect those he cares about, well . . . ahem. Blam blam, if you know what I mean. (Is Lori also a veterinarian?) As far as brainwashing goes, this scene isn't quite on par with O'Brien acting as Lady Grantham's evil puppetmaster, but Rick obligingly stares off into space and presumably begins imagining a post-apocalyptic world with one less Shane in it. And with the faint crack of a whip and a cat's echoing meow, the episode draws to an end.

Well, what did you think, Walking Dead fans? There was definitely more action in this episode, but I'm wondering if they're starting to lose us with the characters. After all, there can't be much drama in a zombie show where you don't particularly care who gets eaten, right?


Image via AMC

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