'Walking Dead' Recap: All Secrets Revealed, Except One

(Warning: spoilers ahead!) Let's see, where were we? Oh right: Hershel's barn + shitload of zombies = WTF. Tonight's episode of The Walking Dead opens with everyone staring horrified into the Zombie Barn as a shambling undead Sophia ravages a human femur and oh wait that's what I wish happened because oh my god they're still looking for her.

Actually, it opens with Carl offering the wise opinion that "everything's food for something else" as, metaphorically, Patricia goes off to gruesomely break the legs of some chickens so she can feed them to the Barn Zombies. Apparently zombies can bring down humans no problem but non-hobbled chickens are, like, too evasive. Also you'd think the folks who are in on this barn conspiracy would be like, hey, can we throw something else down there? Something less delicious and nutritious, something that does not provide eggs and protein and an ongoing food supply for the living humans? Rats, maybe? Gluten-free organic paleo-friendly almond milk bars?


Glenn can't keep a secret so he blabs about both pregnant Lori and the zombie barn to Dale, who goes off to have a talk with Hershel. Dale's like, MY EYEBROWS ARE SUPER BUSHY and Hershel's like, MINE ARE EVEN MORE SO and these old men are just so cute. Also, Hershel reveals that the zombies are in the barn because they're friends and family and he thinks they're all sick and they don't deserve to be killed. Again. Killed for permanent. Whatever.

Back at Tent Camp, Lori gets all dramatically gaggy over the smell of cooking meat, which is sort of funny because, hello, how bad must everything smell right about now? I'd take the odor of a pan-friend steak over the blistering reek of everyone's various body crevices, personally. Dale comes over and says that BTW, his wife got really barfy around meat when she was pregnant too! Smooth, Dale. Now two people know about Lori's pregnancy, aside from Lori, and Rick still doesn't.

Wait, make that three: Lori sends Glenn off to the drugstore with Maggie where they're on the hunt for morning after pills. Lori, you silly, you need several-weeks-later pills ... otherwise known as, ah, an abortion. Maggie helps Glenn locate the conveniently-labeled MORNING AFTER PILL box (I guess Plan B didn't sponsor this episode) and Glenn fights off a pharmacy zombie just for kicks.

Meanwhile, Daryl grumpily pokes some holes in his tent with his arrow, because sure, why the hell not, it's not like the walls of the tent are there for a purpose or anything, and Andrea and Shane go off to look for Sophia (giant irritated sigh) in a fancy housing development. They find the creepiest overpriced house in the history of post-apocalyptic overpriced houses and go tiptoeing all through it past the piles of corpses saying, "HELLO? SOPHIA?" and I'm sorry but what the hell. Like a little girl chose this place to camp out in, right next to Burny McBlackSkull and Rotten VonStinkeroo.

Naturally they don't find Sopha, but they do attract a whole swarming mess of walkers, and at first Andrea is all FOR SOME MYSTERIOUS REASON I CAN ONLY HIT STATIONARY TARGETS and then blam, she suddenly turns into Dirty Harry and wastes like 50 zombies. Later, Andrea and Shane totally have sex in the car. Hot! Except ew. I'm kind of hung up on this body odor thing now.

Dale sniffs (ha!) out their post-coital bliss when they return, and since he's in love with Andrea, he confronts Shane and tells him it's time to pack his shit and git. Dale's all, remember when you almost killed Rick? (Walking Dead writers: "Um, barely. We're kind of into this Sophia thing now.") And Shane's like, I will kill you where you stand just for having bushy eyebrows and wearing a fishing hat all the damn time. Jeez, Shane.

Back at Lori's tent, she tearfully swallows a big old handful of pills, then is suddenly visited with regrets and runs outside to hork them all up. Rick ambles in the tent and discovers all the pill packaging and after a minute of standing there mouthbreathingly working out what M-O-R-N-I-N-G-A-F-T-E-R means he runs out to Lori and thank god, this mess is finally out in the open.

Rick's like, seriously, and you're giving me a hard time for keeping secrets? And Lori's like, but Shane, having a baby out here will suck balls! For several reasons not limited to the lack of access to an epidural!

You have a point, Lori.

Rick asks if there's anything else she needs to tell him and ... holy crap, she confesses about Shane. Wow. Even more wow: Rick is weirdly understanding about the affair. "You thought I was dead," he says, clenching his jaw and looking off into the distance, and Lori's all, uhhh, yes! Exactly! That's totally what happened! And he made me feel better! WITH HIS PENIS.

So that's where things end and it leaves me wondering this: what did Jenner at the CDC whisper to Rick? Because obviously it wasn't that Lori was pregnant, right? I have a theory. Would you like to hear my theory?

Here is my theory: Rick is sick, maybe with cancer. They all had blood tests, Jenner told him something that made Rick look shocked, Rick insisted that it "didn't matter" when he was talking to Morgan on the walkie-talkie at the start of the season. I can't refer back to the comic books on this one because we're way off the map as far as the story goes, but that's my guess: Rick's got some deadly something-or-other, and he figures there's no way to treat it, so no point in telling anyone.

What's your best guess at what Jenner said to Rick back at the end of season one?

Image via AMC

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