5 Reasons 'X Factor' Premiere Is Going to Suck

The X Factor premieres tonight, and no, this is totally NOT American Idol, you guys. It's different. See, it's got Simon Cowell being acerbic, Paula Abdul being loopy, a guy who looks more than a little like Randy Jackson, a random hot Jennifer Lopez/Kara DioGuardi-esque brunette, and it's sponsored by a major cola company! DUH HOW CAN YOU EVEN BE CONFUSED.

Actually, what this really looks like is American Idol meets America's Got Talent with a smear of human-interest shmoop from The Voice. In other words, let me tell you how it's going to suck.

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We've seen it all before. I guess if you've been actively missing Cowell's terse dismissals and inevitable moments when he compares the performers to cruise ship singers, you'll be pleased by the fact that he appears to be more than ready to hit X Factor viewers over the head with his big mean shtick. Ditto to Paula's slurry tears and nice-cop antics. But if you were bored by the forced bantering between the Idol judges, it looks like we're in for a LOT of this on X Factor.

The performances will be over the top.
Unlike Idol, X Factor auditions happen in front of a live audience—so big farewell to those sometimes-charming a cappella auditions with just the contestant and the judges. Also, as the show goes on, the job of the judges is to step in to style and produce each of the contestants' performances ... think dancers and fancy set designs. I'm sure some of these will be entertaining. I'm equally sure some will be excruciating.


One of the judges is a former Pussycat Doll.
Enough said.


We'll have to endure children and groups. While Idol limited the competition to singers ages 15 to 28, X Factor allows anyone 12 years and older to compete. OMG, please spare me from the adorable 12-year-old who wows the crowd with his heartfelt performance of "Hallelujah." Worse, X Factor also allows groups, which I think America's Got Talent has shown us is never a good thing EVER.


The Pepsi ads will be insane. You thought all those Ford and Coke commercials on Idol were bad? I'm predicting the Pepsi sponsorship of X Factor is going to be even worse. As PepsiCo's chief global consumer engagement officer (holy crap, that's a real title) said in an oddly thuggish-sounding statement, "We've made a conscious decision to go aggressively back into music. We have a rightful place in music." Translation: X Factor = Pepsi ALL UP IN YOUR FACE, YO.


All that said, you KNOW I'll be watching tonight, just to see how it all unfolds. But no one can take away my Diet Coke, dammit.


What's your prediction for tonight's X Factor premiere? Do you think it will be any good?



Image via X Factor

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