'American Idol' Recap: Jacob Insults America, Pia Makes Us Proud

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It was rock 'n' roll week on American Idol last night and the nine remaining contestants sang their young hearts out to impress America. Steven, J. Lo, and Randy just loooved everything the idols sang and couldn't have been less valuable as judges. At one point Steven pretended to be asleep, and that seemed about right. What a waste. It kind of makes me excited for X-Factor to hear my Simon speak some truth.

Gwen Stefani and Will.i.am were on the show last night -- Gwen styled the idols and Will helped them practice their songs. Bottom line is that everyone looked like they took a bath in L.A.M.B. throw-up, except for Scotty, who was dressed in a denim tuxedo. Good grief. Will was chill and gave decent tips.

OK! On to the performances.


Jacob Lusk sang Michael Jackson's "Man in the Mirror." How glad are you that he didn't go with his original song choice, "Let's Get It On." How glad. HOW GLAD. Because honestly, his version would have totally desexualized the song for me and I would've thought of his jelly jaw and gospel voice every time I heard it, and that would've sucked. Again, I can't get excited about Jacob. OH. We almost forgot to talk about the part where Jacob insulted us all. And I quote: "If I end up in the bottom three, it won't be because I sang the song bad. It won't be because I sang the song wrong. It'll be because everybody in America wasn't ready to look at themselves in the mirror." Uh oh! Sounds like someone is getting a little too big for their all white britches! Aw, snap. He's gonna pay for that comment.

Haley sang "Piece of My Heart" by Janis Joplin. She wore red lipstick again, which was a bold move considering what happened last time. It was a great song choice for her and all, but it felt like a Miley Cyrus version of the song and I didn't care for it. Last year Crystal Bowersox sang Janis and totally rocked it. Haley is just too green. And she makes me uncomfortable. I'm tense watching her -- at any moment I feel like she will embarrass herself, and me.

Casey sang "Have You Ever Seen the Rain?" by Creedence Clearwater Revival and looked like the most adorable Muppet playing the upright bass I've ever seen. The 1985 rain background was terrible, but we can blame that on the director. Everything else I liked. He missed some notes, but his performance was unique and memorable.

Lauren sang Aretha. She sang Aretha! "(You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman" was her choice and I didn't hate it. Do you still think Lauren seems sad? She seems so down in the dumps. I want her to cheer up and give us some of the Laurenness we fell in love with during the auditions. Was it as good as Kelly Clarkson's? No, it wasn't, but I thought it was a solid 8 out of 10. And what did Gwen do to Lauren? Was she wearing a gingham diaper? Did she have gray streaks in her hair?

James sang "While My Guitar Gently Weeps" by The Beatles. I ... don't know what to say. I hated every.second. It's one of my favorite songs and good GOD that was awful. And enough with the crocodile tears. I feel like the audience was all "ohhh, he's crying!!" And I was all "ohh no, he's crying???" James needs to go. Buh bye. And pretending he "wrote" that version? Disgraceful.

Scotty sang Elvis' "That's All Right Mama." I would like to have a physical therapist look at Scotty because I'm worried about his spine. He tilts so far to his right every performance that I'm afraid he's going to get stuck there. Whateves. It was good. Fine.

Pia sang Tina Turner's "River Deep -- Mountain High" and pretty much made me want to be a better person. How fun it looks to be able to sing like she does. Just open your mouth an viola! Magic. She can nail a slow ballad and we now know she can nail an up-tempo diddy. Murderer on the floor! She killed it.

Stefano sang "Who Gives a Shit" by Lindsay and the Stefano Haters. OK, I don't hate Stefano, as in, I don't wish him harm, I just wish him off the show and out of my life. J. Lo only likes him because she likes little Latin men in general -- that's her steez. He is so cheesy. And when they cut to Christian Slater in the audience singing along, I almost spat out my bourbon. What the heck is he doing there? Oh, promoting his Fox show, got it. Anyway, Stef sang "When a Man Loves a Woman" by Percy Sledge and it will certainly send him into the bottom three.

Paul sang Johnny Cash's "Folsom Prison Blues." There is absolutely nothing dangerous or rock and roll about Paul. The scariest thing he's capable of doing is having a glass of Merlot and staining his teeth. He's about as edgy as a Care Bear. Later, Love-a-lot Bear -- head back to your fluffy clouds and rainbow slides. Leave the rock and roll to those who know a thing or two about badassness.

Our bottom three: Stefano, Paul, and ... Jacob.

Who do you think will be in the bottom three?

Photo via americanidol.com

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