'American Idol' Recap: Somewhere Simon Is Laughing

American IdolWords cannot express how much I love Motown week on American Idol. I love it. If I could have lived in any time in history, it would be either the 5th century (I look great in a toga) or the 1960s (the music sings to me). Simply said, Motown makes me happy. Last night didn't entirely disappoint, but there were certainly some laughable moments. Like J. Lo's eyeshadow and Naima's ... I think they called it "dancing."

But laughter aside, it was a serious night for the 11 hopefuls -- it was their shot at getting into the top 10, which is where the money comes in. The top 10 go on a summer tour, the eleventh loser goes home to mow the grass and chat with the neighbor about what J. Lo looks like in person. So it was a big night. Let's get to it.


Casey: He needs a beard trim. He's starting to look like Yukon Cornelius. He also needs to find a suit that fits him. And did you notice that he's shorter than Ryan? I had no idea he was such a little guy -- half his body must be his head. Anyway. He sang Marvin Gaye's "Heard It Through the Grapevine" and the only thing that was memorable about his performance was that he sang to his friend, Megan. The rest was like, eh, whateves.

Thia: Sang "Heat Wave" by Martha and the Vandellas. So much better than last week, but still not enough. I'm worried about our little Thia Megia. I love her voice, I just don't love her stage-presence or her shyness. And she forgot the words. I'm not convinced her heart's in it. She's in danger.

Jacob: Sang "You're All I Need to Get By" by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell. Whoa ho ho there, Jacob. Whoa there. I was blown away. It's still too churchy for me, but I've got to give credit (or hugs?) where it's due. I was surprised to see that Steven Tyler was able to get out of his chair and walk on stage to hug Jacob -- I kind of thought Steven was too frail to move, let alone give a strong opinion on a performance.

Lauren: Did you think Lauren looked sad all night? She seemed very down about something -- I know Lauren very well seeing as I haven't missed an episode and she seemed off. She said she'd been reading the blogs -- hey Lauren! Love you. She looked thinner, too. Anyway, she sang "You Keep Me Hanging On" by the Supremes and I liked it, and her beach cover-up of a dress, too.

Stefano is an idiot. He sang the worst song on the planet, Lionel Richie's "Hello." Sucked big time. Please leave, Stefano, please. However! I did feel really bad when jack-ass Gordon Ramsay (who was in the crowd) made fun of Stefano's mom's pasta dish. So unnecessary and so freaking cruel to do to a woman in front of tens of millions of viewers.

Haley: She looked ridiculous. I don't know what it is about Haley. I close my eyes and I like her voice and think she's amazing. I open my eyes and I hate everything and want to pull off my ears and throw them at the TV. She sang Smokey Robinson & The Miracles "You Really Got a Hold on Me" and she lost me at the awkward stair-walk. Again, eyes closed? Love her. Eyes open? Ear toss.

Scotty: I think the only thing to say here is "LOL." This kid. This country kid. He turned Stevie Wonder's "For Once in My Life" into a country lounge song. And yet, I don't entirely hate him. I'm getting a little sick of him though, and his head shape bothers me. But eh, he can sing a "lady killer" low note and thus will go far.

Pia sang another ballad, didn't she now. Ugh. She's so good. But so like, studio good. I don't want to see her on stage because she's not there yet. I see her singing the vocals for a Disney movie's lead character, and then when it's time to release the song, Katy Perry sings it, but Pia's version is the one in the movie. She's so technically good that it's almost mundane. Oh, she sang Stevie Wonder's "All in Love Is Fair."

Paul: Sang Smokey Robinson's "The Track of My Tears." It was no Adam Lambert, let's just say that. The guitar covered up his writing, which I liked, but his gloss is starting to wear off a bit for me, and I'm starting to see an entitled hipster who's like, "eh, hope it was good! But I don't care if it wasn't! Where's my Pabst!?"

Naima: Sang Martha and the Vandellas "Dancing in the Street." She wore an art project and danced on stage. I don't know if that was good dancing or bad dancing, all I know is that the light caught all of the dust flying out of her dreads as her hair flipped back and forth and that's all I could concentrate on. She sounded good, but the outfit and the dust-flinging was too much of a distraction for me.

James: Sang "Livin for the City" by Stevie Wonder. He "worked" the crowd I guess, but I'd be curious to know if everyone was pity clapping like I was. The earring has.got.to.go. And so must the tail.

Our bottom three will be Haley, Thia (sorry girl), and Stefano. Somewhere Simon is laughing at J. Lo coming dressed for Motown night in a poodle skirt (wrong era!), Naima's bracelets and dancing, Casey's lewk, and Paul's disingenuous smile. 

What did you think of last night?

Photo via americanidol.com

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