'American Idol' Recap: In Which J. Lo Is a Lioness

American IdolLast night on American Idol, the contestants had to sing a song that was a hit the year they were born, and man oh man there are some babies in this competition. I'll say it: people born in the '90s freak me out. They're old enough to sing? The two most depressing things about the night was how old I realized I am, and Haley's lipstick. We'll get to the latter and totally ignore the former, k?

We heard way too much Whitney Houston and way too little Gin Blossoms, as in, how did no one choose to sing the '90s hit "Hey Jealousy." Anyway, let's review what happened, starting with Paul and that frog in his throat he was so excited to introduce us to.


Paul McDonald: Sang Elton John's "I Guess That's Why They Call It the Blues" and wore a bolo tie. Randy compared him to Ray LaMontagne and that's when I blacked out. A wave of disbelief and disgust rushed over me and I passed out. Paul is not Ray. Paul is a whiny, writhing, one-trick pony who needs to go back to living in a loft in Brooklyn with six roommates.

Naima Adedapo: Sang "What's Love Got to Do With It" by Tina Turner. Her swagger and Kid-N-Play outfits make up for nothing. Finally the judges tell her she sucks. Or in their words, she's "always under pitch." I'm pretty sure they were embarrassed they'd chosen her and they should be. This performance was hard to listen to, hard to watch, and hard to stomach. Bottom three for sure.

Thia Megia: Sang Vanessa Williams' song "Colors of the Wind." Who is letting Thia pick these songs? WHO. Good goodness that was boring. She needs to sing Adele, and stop looking so sad up on stage. And her sisel rug of a dress did not help, and yes, yes, of course, she had a feather in her hair. She has such talent but she's blowing it.

James Durbin: Sang Bon Jovi's "I'll Be There for You." Could he get more predictable. And ugh, the tail was back. And the George Michael earring. This kid annoys me to no end. Isn't he really poor and trying to support his wife and kid? Then what's with the leather studded ... shoe covers? Dude, sell those gifts and feed the fam. It was after his performance that Steven Tyler let flow five or six seconds worth of obscenities, because the sound was totally cut out. He must have woven a web of words that could've killed a small child had they heard it.

Speaking of the judges, they had some choice outfits on last night. Of course my girl J. Lo looked fabulous in her lion costume, but Randy looked like he came from an O-Town music video shoot, and Steven Tyler looked like my 5-year-old sister did after she'd found the dress-up bin in the basement full of Grandma's old mumus, minks, and costume jewelry. And la-di-da, more feathers in his hair than Yankee Doodle.

Haley Reinhart: Sang "I'm Your Baby Tonight" by Whitney Houston. It wasn't terrible, but you know what was ... her lipstick situation. It was all over her face and teeth. Ryan, the decentest man on Earth, came over with a tissue and some Seacrest spittle and tried to help her wipe it off on live TV. Thank god! It's like 20 million people see it, I'm glad someone decided to help her.

Stefano Langone: Sang Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes' "If You Don't Know Me By Now," and surprise surprise, it was darn good. And I liked his haircut. J. Lo looked so relieved. It was one of the best performances of the night.

Pia Toscano: "Where Do Broken Hearts Go" by Whitney Houston. She is so good. This was her weakest performance yet, but it still beats the others. And I loved her white jump suit and turquoise jewelry. But her name is Pia, so naturally I expect some spiciness in her songs, which this one kind of lacked.

Scotty McCreery: Sang Travis Tritt's "Can I Trust You With My Heart." This guy is a great singer and he's going to have a country music career, no doubt about. I'll be interested to see how far he gets in this competition though. When he sings, he sounds natural and his tone is quite beautiful. But the best part of his performance was when they showed his baseball teammates in the audience. Put 'em on ice!

Karen Rodriguez: Sang Taylor Dane's "Love Will Lead You Back." I'm over her. I was once a huge fan, but I don't know. She just keeps shoving down our throats that she's Latina -- as if that's the only thing about her. I want to know more about Karen than the fact that she can sing in Spanish. Steven said he "loves when she breaks into her ethnic-what-it-is-ness." Uh, what he said.

Casey Abrams: Sang "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana. Well, hello terrible green lighting and electric bass. It was nice to hear someone sing a '90s song that wasn't by Whitney or Disney, but that was probably the only good thing about it. Judges didn't really like it, either.

Lauren Alaina: Sang Melissa Etheridge's "I'm the Only One" and I loved it. Sorry! Loved it. And she didn't dress like a slutty baby this time. She's learning!

Jacob Lusk: Sang "Alone" by Heart. He started off really rough, but I thought he was more likable this episode ... just me? He did a good job but I don't really dig his vibe. I just feel like he's always on the pulpit, which is a turn-off.

Your bottom three are going to be Naima, Haley, and Thia (possibly Karen). I hope Thia stays because I just want her to sing some Adele already and blow everyone away. Sending home Naima is the obvious choice.

What did you think of last night's show?

Photo via americanidol.com

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