'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Recap: Everybody in the Pool!

Kyle in Pool

Imagine this: You're one of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and you throw a huge party and invite everyone you know. You'd think at least one nasty, hair pulling, implant-puncturing cat fight is guaranteed to occur, right? Wrong! Because this week the ladies from 90210 actually show maturity, class, and good manners when they attend not one, but three social functions without even the hint of a dust-up.

What kind of stupid bullshit is that?


But despite my staggering disappointment, let's begin the recap with the first social event of the show, a tennis tournament hosted by everybody's favorite lingerie collector, Camille Grammer. Posed on a scenic overlook and backlit by the Malibu sun, Camille tries to operate a phone like a regular human being and calls Kyle and Adrienne to awkwardly invite them to her house. (Seriously, have you ever seen anyone so inept at speaking into a telephone? She's like Tonto if the Lone Ranger had given him a Droid to carry around on his horse. "Me be at big hill when it dark. Much traffic on trail today. Ugh!")

Although Kyle is a little apprehensive about spending time with her frenemy Camille, she and Mauricio still show up at the tennis party, hoping to repair their relationship so Mauricio can continue to sell the Grammers 10 houses a week. Handsome Nick then arrives in a stupid wig and is greeted with a huge kiss on the lips by Camille while his rather Plain Wife just glares at them from the background. (Attention Bravo: Why the hell are you not capitalizing on this? Nick + Camille + Plain Wife = MULTIPLE EMMY AWARDS.)

The action soon moves to the pool where Camille is the only housewife in a swimsuit. She opines that Kyle and Adrienne are probably "jealous" of her, but then Kyle shows just how badass she is by jumping in fully clothed. Yeah, take THAT, blondie. Then Adrienne's husband Paul -- whose bandaged nose makes him look like the Italian Hannibal Lecter -- pushes both Kyle and Adrienne in the pool and miraculously doesn't get a junk punch in return. Amazing.

Now on to the next social function, a birthday dinner for the Vanderpump's daughter Pandora. Pandora seems like a nice woman, although for some reason she always has an odd hair bump on top of her head. Maybe that's where they hide little Giggy's turds if he craps when they're out in public? At the dinner Kyle asks Permanent Houseguest Cedric about his background and he tells a very Dickensian tale about being born in Paris to a prostitute, then abandoned at age seven. He was later "saved" by Lisa and thinks of her as a mother, which is all very timely since Lisa's husband Ken wants him to move out as soon as possible so they can turn his room into a European discotheque for Giggy (I'm guessing). Anyway, for some reason Kyle seems suspicious of Cedric's story and later says she hopes he was sincere. Hmmmm

Now let's move on to the biggest event of the week, Kyle and Mauricio's annual White Party where guests have to be dress in white. Everybody's very excited for this event, which is also Mauricio's 40th birthday party, and some highlights include:

  • Kim awkwardly reuniting with blind date Martin who never called her after their first date.
  • Fish Lips Taylor unhinging her jaw like a boa constrictor to suck down a 10" wide Fatburger.
  • No Muscles Russell dressed in a white outfit that makes him look like the "CIA Agent Most Likely To Be Killed a Poison Dart to the Neck While Undercover in Jakarta"
  • Camille giving Kyle a book called "How to Behave and Why," which is sort of funny but mostly weird and disturbing because it's from Camille.
  • Kyle and Mauricio sharing a first dance to some singer's original song that begins with "Ecccccccstassssyyyy ..." Ewww.

The party's in full swing and Mauricio's already jumped in the pool fully clothed (seriously, are these people 12?) when disharmony erupts in the form of the Taylor/Russell business partnership -- I mean, marriage. Taylor's ready to have fun like everybody else, but Russell just wants to go home and sit in his walk-in freezer so his blood remains at an ice cold temperature and his pulse doesn't get above 30 beats per minute. Poor Taylor -- they really are a mismatch. She cries to Kyle (who is very sweet to her) and says that things just aren't working. Well, duh. Maybe she should stop spending her time getting lip injections and go visit either a therapist or a contract killer instead. THINK, Taylor. THINK. When your marriage looks worse than Camille's, things have got to change sooner rather than later.

Speaking of the Grammers, in a bit of foreshadowing of things to come, Camille tells Lisa that she really misses Kelsey who's in NYC for his play and that for some reason, he doesn't ever want to talk to her any more. Of course, we all know that this isn't because she gives such bad phone but actually because he was busy getting another woman pregnant and filing for divorce. However, that particular bombshell is yet to come out in Housewives land.

At least, not until next week. (OMG!)

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