'Survivor Nicaragua' Recap: Monkey in the Middle

I can't even bring myself to do a blow-by-blow recap of tonight's show because there was only one main theme: who was Sash going to form an alliance with, and would his increasingly skeletal frame hold together long enough to make it through the episode?

We started out with an alliance of Fabio, Benry, and Dan; on the other side was Holly, Jane, and Chase. After last week's sudden departure of the uber-wimp quitters NaOnka and Purple Kelly, that left Sash in the middle. Probst teed up the show by making it sound like Sash was in trouble, but it quickly became apparent he was actually the guy holding all the power: he's the swing vote, and oh yeah, he's got a hidden immunity idol.


Also, he's a shitweasel of epic proportions. Seriously, I thought Brenda and Marty were bad, but this guy is something else. Probably his disturbing appearance doesn't help—he's all bones and wide eyes and terrifyingly over-whitened teeth at this point—but every time he opens his mouth, I want to punch him in his jutting collarbone.

Both existing alliances tried to get Sash on their side, with Benry instantly selling out his buddy Fabio in the process. There was a muddy challenge which Chase dominated, then made the colossal mistake of choosing Jane over Sash to bring on reward.

At first I was all, oh, hey, Chase is working some kind of complicated strategy for once! Then I was like, nope, he's just painfully, searingly stupid.

Chase, sorrowfully: "I've been a little flighty in this game." Oh is "flighty" code for "so dumb you need a TomTom GPS to find your ass with both hands"? Because in that case, yes, Chase, you HAVE been a little flighty.

So Sash was left behind with Benry, Fabio, and Dan, and he worked them like a stripper on a greased pole. Jane got back from reward to find the boys had eaten her chicken, so we got to see some countrified weeping on her part. Aaaand the most cringeworthy moment of the game: when Sash—bearing his bleached, sharklike, untrustworthy smile—asked Chase to swear on his much-mentioned much-beloved dead father.

Sash won the immunity reward, so unfortunately there was no way he was going home. He then did a lot of posturing to the camera that made me dislike him even MORE, including a bunch of B.S. about how he'd purposefully downplayed his strength in all the challenges before now.

Right, Sash. And also, you're not gay. DO YOU HAVE ANY BRIDGES FOR SALE TOO?

It seemed like the tribal vote was going to send Fabio packing, but after a confident speech about how he was sure things were going to go his way, Benry was the snuffed torch of the evening. ♫ Blindsided by the light. ♫

Two episodes left, and does anyone care who wins at this point? I have no favorites, but I sure as hell hope it's not Sash. Well, or Dan, who's seemingly lasted this long for the sole reason that he is comically useless at the challenges.

What did you think about Benry's exit? Do you have any picks for the winner?

Image via CBS

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