Faster, Pussycat, Dance, Dance: Two Perfect Scores on 'Dancing With the Stars'

Okay, so apparently there's been no clear leader in audience votes this season on Dancing With the Stars, which they're building up as some big deal. I dunno, doesn't that mean it's a boring season where nobody has caught the audience's attention? I dunno. But they're really demanding that we vote ... I came close. I really almost voted. Almost.

Out come the stars, and ... UGH! Is it lingerie night at DWTS? Maksim Chmerkovskiy and Chad Ochocinco are wearing alternate-universe Star Trek uniforms, as imagined by International Male. This makes me sad. Sadder even than Brooke's leather bustier.

Maybe the dancing will cheer me up ... two separate celebs get perfect 30s, who do you think they were?


Erin and Maks -- Viennese Waltz
This girl is all bod and no style. I'm sorry, I can't stand her, and I think this whole show is a tribute to the dance pros and their skill and choreographing themselves around these people. Ugh. She even stumbles. But the judges love it, 27 points worth, so what the heck do I know?

Nicole and Derek -- Argentine Tango
Derek has a mysterious injury. I want to know how he got it, but nobody's talking. And he miraculously recovers in time for the dance. Someone tell him he didn't need the drama, I'm sorry, I'm handing in my journalistic impartiality: GO TEAM NICOLE! Carrie Ann is crying! Derek is a soldier and a warrior! And a perfect 30!

Chad and Cheryl -- Waltz
I feel bad. My husband has an awful crush on Cheryl, so it seems disloyal to wish her off the show. But Chad has got to go. Still, during the rehearsal footage, my husband says, "I know that face. That's the 'I gotta pull it together' face. You see it on the sidelines all the time." Apparently, for a three-year period, Chad Johnson was arguably the best receiver in the league. That's all great, but his waltz makes me want to hurl. This dance is all Cheryl, but again, the judges lap it up. Meh. At least they only get a 27.

Evan and Anna -- Foxtrot
We see Evan trying to connect to his emotions. What makes him really happy, Anna asks? Uh ... coffee. And cars. And coming in at #3 ... his nephew. Good Christ, this guy makes white bread look like jambalaya. That being said, he does an impressive foxtrot and does seem to crack a smile. Again, from my husband: The athletes do so well in these competitions because they have an advantage -- they're self-selected for coachability. Anna says, "You've got to smile more," and he figures out how to make that happen. He has a point. And they score a 29.

Erin and Maks -- Paso Doble
Erin complains yet again about being tall. Oy, but then she tells the stalker story and my hair stands on end. I really want to like her! I would love to root for her! But she dances like a giraffe! I'm sorry! However, I do really dig this dress she's wearing. At first, I thought it was a bad Lady Gaga garbage-bag ripoff, but then Maks actually ripped it off and it was an awesome skirt-cape thing. In gold! They score a 29 for no reason I can understand.

Nicole and Derek -- Cha-Cha
Let's take a look at Nicole's upbringing. She was born in Hawaii, then moved to Kentucky, where she went to a performing-arts high school. Looking at her old school-days recordings, I can see that she's been on this trajectory forever … seems to me she's got the unfair advantage of having loads of dance experience. She wears a Prince outfit to cha-cha to Prince, and is deemed the "sexylicious purple queen of the cha cha cha," according to Bruno. But is it cha-cha enough for Len? Not quite: 29.

Chad and Cheryl -- Samba
I will not be swayed by Chad's adorable baby picture! Or his kids! He's wooden, even when shirtless, and must go home. It's true what the judges say -- his charisma lights up the room. But at this point, compared to the others, that’s all he's got. Even though he suggests that next time he'll dance sans pants. Since he scores a paltry 25, I guess I'll have to miss that.

Evan and Anna -- Paso Doble
Okay. We've had some really touching childhood stories tonight! Stories of Chad being raised by his grandma ... Nicole living in a tiny house in a family of 14 ... Erin's struggles with a stalker ... and Evan's grandma buying him skates because she always wanted to be in Ice Capades. I swear. Like Ambien, this guy. But again, he pulls out a great, passionate dance, one that uses his height and length to his best advantage. He's a vampire! And that makes Bruno yell that he has BAWS! That earns him 30 points and a hug from an otherwise dour Donny Osmond.

Other audience celebs include Kareem Abdul Jabbar, whom I recognize, and Rick Fox, whom I don't. Again, my husband FTW: He's an athlete who divorced Vanessa Williams, and therefore to be shunned. Hey, she should be on this show!

Tomorrow night: I single-handedly send Chad home with the power of my mind.

What did you think of tonight's show? Who's going home tomorrow?

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