Potty Training Awareness Month: A Letter to the Creators

Flickr photo by Sideshow Bruce
Dear Moron Genius Behind Potty Training Awareness Month:

Apparently you don't have children.

You have never been up at 2 a.m. pulling diarrhea-dripping crib sheets off a mattress because of a diaper blowout.

You have never pulled a baby's butt to your nose, lifted the back of a diaper, and said, "Nah, I'll just let it go" because hey, those are expensive!

Because only the child-free could spend a moment thinking moms aren't highly aware that one day they will finally reach the golden light at the end of the butt-wiping tunnel.


Did you catch that word?

A good credit score, awards from the New York Press Association, and a real job aside, I know my skills as a butt wiper are professional grade.

That is what parenthood is about for the first two to three years (four for some hardcore holdouts).

Butt wiping. Crotch wiping.

Diaper creaming.

Counting down until the moment of freedom from green poo on your knuckles and jeans with eau de pee pee from a not-tight-enough diaper.

Oh creator of Potty Training Awareness Month, we are aware that one day our children will rise up and decide they no longer want to sit in their own poo and squish around in it until it starts to push up the crack and out the top.

We don't have time for sex dreams because we're too busy harboring fantasies that one day we will be allowed to eat dinner without the smell of fresh waste product being created under our very nostrils just one highchair over.

Maybe next year you can dedicate your services to helping endangered species or helping the three nippled with their plight.

Until then, I'd shake your hand ... but I don't think you want to.

Yours Truly

Pissed On in Portland

Read More >