Ah toddlers and their crazy, crazy ways. How do you keep them from bodily harm without losing your sanity? I just came across this handy list of suggestions for surviving the holidays with a toddler by pediatrician and author Harvey Karp. Apparently the key to raising a toddler is to play Jedi mind tricks on them.

Is that ever okay? Isn't that kind of evil and manipulative? Hell no! The "direct" approach to parenting assumes your toddler is a rational person. But toddlers are totally IRRATIONAL. They're wack-o little sociopaths. I mean that in the nicest way possible, of course. I'm just saying, these parenting tactics can save you approximately three years of bitter frustration and high blood pressure. Read on for a few examples.

Poor Katie Holmes. No, really. I know, I don't ordinarily feel moved to pity for moms who can give their children everything the world has to offer on a silver platter (or gold, or platinum), but I do feel sorry for Holmes in one respect: When her kid has a tantrum, as all children do, the moment is documented on film for all the world to see -- and criticize!

So apparently Suri Cruise had a tantrum of monstrous proportions in FAO Schwartz in NYC this week. Which, of course, served as a golden opportunity for sour-faced types everywhere to jump in and condemn the poor child as being spoiled. SPOILED! That girl is SPOILED!!

As if she were an egg-salad sandwich that was left out in the sun too long.

If you (like me) get a huge kick out of seeing kids incredibly disappointed by crappy Christmas presents, well, you've got to check this latest video from Jimmy Kimmel and Co. Not unlike Kimmel's Halloween prank on kids who thought their parents ate all of their candy, Kimmel yet again delivers a one-two punch of disappointment to the children of America. Some would say the very greedy, ungrateful children of America. But I just think when you bring a kid up, and then let him down, you're going to get some strong reactions.

Like these.

I believe there's a show on cable somewhere that follows around people with really bad jobs and films them for our entertainment. Because who doesn't like to watch men in sewer lines with rats crawling over their faces? But one job you won't see on reality television is the one where scientists listen to recordings of toddler's temper tantrums and attempt to analyze their findings. Mostly because we all would change the channel faster than when that Playboy Club show was assaulting our senses.

Yet, these people do exist and they do have some news for those of us who are interested in the toddler tantrum and how to stop it.

If there was one thing that really bugged me about having toddlers, it was getting an attitude from strangers over my small children behaving like small children in public. Obviously the recent Patti LaBelle lawsuit involving the singer allegedly flipping out on an 18-month-old girl and her mother (all because the child was toddling around the lobby of an apartment building) is an extreme example of this kind of thing, but even less psychotic displays of toddler intolerance are hurtful to both moms and kids.

Not to mention completely unfair. Little kids can't be expected to abide by rules for social conduct they're developmentally incapable of learning.

It's not like that 18-month-old girl decided to purposely disrupt Patti LaBelle's peaceful lobby, and I doubt her mother had any rude or malicious intent.

I think I've already mentioned how challenging I thought it was to take care of a 1-year-old, but I want to be clear that when I say that, I'm talking about the whole year. It would probably be more accurate to say that the entire 12- to 24-month stage sucked major balls in my household, thanks in no small part to the bizarre stages my children went through that would go on for weeks on end.

During the summer of 2009, my youngest son Dylan was about 18 months old—right at the very pinnacle of Toddler Difficulty. He was adorable, loving, and could be as sweet as pie ... but he was also a tiny psychopath who got into weird ruts that drove me absolutely insane.

I never had a dog growing up. Or a cat. Or a hamster, or a parakeet, or measly little turtle. (I'm not bitter at all, can you tell?) So I promised myself long ago that when I had kids of my own, I would get them a pet. Whatever kind of creature their little hearts desired.

Not surprisingly, those "kids of my own" wanted a puppy. Which we recently acquired, much to my children's delight. And dang if I don't just love the heck out of her, but you know something? Puppies are a lot of work! (Oh, so THAT'S why I never got to have any pets as a kid.)

Anyway, I still think pets are worth the trouble, and this video is proof!

"Oh, you have such a beautiful baby!" she gushed. "He's just so adorable! I just, I've never seen such a beautiful baby." She wasn't wrong. My son, when he wasn't screaming his Exorcist scream, well, he could have passed for a Gerber baby. There was something delicious about his big green eyes, his shock of brown hair, and his cupid-bow mouth. But I was his mother. Of course I can say that stuff.

I nodded and thanked her, trying to untangle myself out of the conversation without appearing rude. She did, after all, compliment my baby.  

However, there was another son, a bigger child, standing at my elbow, with equally adorable big brown eyes, a shock of dark brown hair, and an identical cupid-bow mouth. He was looking at us both expectantly.

Crap.