I don't want to use the potty. I just want to play. Can we watch Cars? How about play basketball. I want to play basketball. (Nice tactic trying to change the subject.) Can we play? Please. I just want to play. Will you just play with meeee? (Tugs at the heartstrings.)

Mommy wants me to use the potty just because. I do at school but not at home. I don't like it. But I don't like it when pee is in my pants. I just want mommy to fix it. I can't. I can't do it. (Runs away.) Why? I can't tell you why. How?

So many of you over the years have asked me about potty training -- and since it's a topic that all moms, at some point, find themselves reading, listening, and asking a lot about, I thought I'd walk you through my experiences on the subject. It's definitely nerve wracking for everyone and can be very frustrating if you're not prepared and aren't in the right mind set.

Moms, do you feel like there's something missing from your toddlers' lives? Not enough noise, maybe? Not enough electronic gadgets? Do you feel like maybe they're just not getting enough screen time?!? Well here's something we've all been wishing for: iPotty!

It's a potty chair with a holder for an iPad. Now your little darling can watch her favorite cartoons while she makes poopy. Just like Daddy! Oh why oh why did we not hear about this exciting and very necessary wonder before the holidays?

When it's time to potty train your child, you can read books and spend hours online looking for advice (oh, hello!). Or, you could consult with an expert: Your mom! That's what Teen Mom Chelsea did when she was ready to potty train her daughter, Aubree. And Chelsea's mom, Mary, delivered!

I mean, she literally delivered Chelsea years ago. But you know what I mean. Why not ask the woman who potty trained YOU for advice on potty training your own toddler? Mary's advice is super helpful. Her best tip? Make it fun.

I see that headline: Potty train your toddler in a weekend! And the skeptic in me says, OH REALLY? I don't remember how long exactly it took me to potty train my son. It's been a few years now. I just remember it was more of a process than a couple of days. So when I saw that headline again this morning, "Potty Train Your Toddler in a Weekend," I thought it sounded too good to be true.

But when I took a closer look, it actually looked ... realistic! Look, every kid is different and every family's experience is unique. But there are a few basic principles that make the whole potty experience work. Here's what I think works about this approach -- from the vantage point of hindsight.

Oh the crazy things we'll to do potty train our kids. We all know the basics: Start when they're ready. Keep big-kid undies and lots of towels handy. Be patient. Be really, really patient. No pressure!

Some of our tricks and tips aren't too crazy. Rewarding with stickers? No problem. Rewarding with candy? Um ... now you're getting controversial. Hanging out in the bathroom, just reading and singing songs? Someone looks a little loony. If our childless friends could see some of the other tricks we'll try, they'd never stop laughing. But they can laugh all they want. We just do what works!

Here's a story that will totally piss off anyone who has tried to potty train a toddler (pun totally intended). Philadelphia mom Caroline Robboy was given both a ticket and a lecture by a police officer this past Sunday evening because her 2-year-old potty-training son, Nathaniel, couldn't hold it.

I kid you not. She told NBC10 that they were in a store with her two other children and elderly in-laws when the toddler said he needed to go. She asked if they could use the restroom, and they were "told no." Upon exiting the store the boy couldn't hold it and ran over to a pole on the sidewalk to get some relief.

When she saw what was happening, she tried to at least get him to move to a grassy patch, but it was too late. A police officer saw it and busted them, issuing her a $50 ticket for public urination.

Potty-training is no picnic. I have never met a mother who enjoyed the process. In fact, it is the one thing most of us appreciate unsolicited advice about.

Though, one Utah mom could have cared less what anyone thought when she decided to potty-train her twin girls at a restaurant -- in full view of other diners. Talk about an appetite killer.