Warning: What you're about to read will most likely make you angry, sick, and depressed. Particularly if you find the thought of economically disadvantaged preschoolers being stuck with broken playground equipment and teachers who may or may not be criminals disturbing.

Oh, it gets even better! Rickety swings are nothing compared to some of the safety violations found at Head Start centers across the country. Among the horrifying circumstances revealed by a recent report from the Health and Human Services Department: Broken gates leading out to parking lots and streets, toxic chemicals stored where little ones can easily get them -- even items as ridiculously dangerous as a machete and a gas-powered hedge trimmer being left out in the playground area.

Clearly my kids have been missing out on the best classes around, as I stumbled upon this video of little kids learning how to make a cappuccino. Or perhaps they're already experts, it's unclear. Either way, I want my 2- or my 5-year-old to make me a hot cup of fancy coffee right NOW. Hooray for barista classes for toddlers! How lazy are my own, that they can't get mommy gourmet coffee drinks in the morning? Super lazy.

Well, I'm going to remedy that oversight and sign them up for the best possible after pre-school class schedule. Here are the best hipster classes for your kids.

But first, let's take a look at the video.

I'm feeling a little guilty this morning after packing my toddler's lunchbox for pre-school. First, I packed spaghetti and meatballs with cheese on top and his school is kosher-ish. Then his snacks were kind of lame as I included a cheese stick and his favorite Snapea Crisps, which have about as much to do with snap peas as I have to do with following the school lunch guidelines on a crazed day like today.

But you know what? I'm still way ahead of this guy, who totally packed a joint in his toddler's lunch.

Did you see the recent story in The New York Times about how the hot new thing in early childhood education is ... blocks? Yes, those big, chunky hunks of wood -- of varying shapes and sizes -- that kids love to stack and knock down and stack again; those humble playthings that allow kids to create all sorts of imaginary places; those most basic of prekindergarten staples are back in vogue with a vengeance among the New York education set.

High-toned private schools with a cloistered clientele are apparently hard at work building "comprehensive block programs," hiring "block consultants," and sending teachers to "block workshops."

Right after the Jerry Sandusky scandal broke Penn State wide open, I went on a trip to the grocery store and came face-to-face with our local sex offender. (He's kind of famous, which is how I was able to identify). I was somehow comforted by the fact that we can see our local guy coming, and still maintained that the likelihood of my children suffering the same fate as the children in Pennsylvania, and the thousands all over the world, was slim. Then I read the startling statistic that says one out of every four girls, and one out of every six boys will experience sexual abuse. 

This is where you gasp out loud and scare the dog. It's okay, I did. And then I panicked about how in the world I could prevent this from happening to my own precious family.

I got a call from my son's pre-school today. It appears the class biter went Mike Tyson on the poor kid and he's got a bite of a mark on his ear. Yep, went straight for the ear. Nice strategy, that biting kid has, if I do say so myself. Especially since I'm guessing s/he was just dodging a punch thrown by my kid -- the hitter.

Apparently it's an all-out brawl at the nursery school, and today the round went to the biter. But I'm not worried, my little hitter will come back swinging -- literally. Is it horrible that my first reaction after hearing that a) he was okay, and b) there was no blood was "He probably deserved it"? Sorry, buddy. I love you more than life itself, but that's what happens when you go head-to-head with a biter.

In fact, I think if you did look at who has the upper hand in various pre-school match-ups between those who hit and those who use their teeth, it might look something like this:

You Wanna Come Over?I've said it before, and I'll say it again: The second kid really does get the shaft. Yet even though I know this, I still find myself scheduling activities for the big kid and just assuming the 2-year-old will be cool with running around in a backyard while she has a swimming lesson. But it came to our attention yesterday, at a pre-school parent/teacher conference, that our boy needs some playdates. Or, at least he needs some playdates if we want him to get socialized and learn how to relate to his own kind. We want that, right?

On the one hand, we felt bad about having only ever arranged one playdate for the kid. And that one was kind of wrecked when his older sister swooped in and charmed the kid. On the other hand, the suggestion that maybe I take off work early one day to facilitate a playdate for my 2-year-old seemed extreme. But should I?

Any mother who has ever looked into finding the right day-care situation for her child can tell you that the process is no picnic. Not only are you struggling to feel your way through your own emotional labyrinth (the guilt, oh, the guilt!), you're also trying to find your way through what can feel like a confusing maze of considerations, with very little information to light the way.

Apparently recognizing this, the state of Georgia has just rolled out a day-care rating system that will not only require day-care centers to have a daily schedule and a lesson plan, but also to show how those lesson plans tie into national education standards. The centers will be given ratings (good, very good, and excellent) that parents can view online.

More states should do as Georgia is and work toward offering parents more information as they try to find a safe, warm, loving day-care center for their kids. (Some, but not all, other states do.)