I want some privacy for my b-day, thanksHappy birthday, Suri Cruise! How will the Princess of Scientology be spending her big day, I wonder? Riding her very own pink unicorn across a meadow of gumdrops in a custom-made Alexander McQueen for Kids gown? (Yeah, I know, McQueen would never.) I guess we'll have to wait for the tabloids to follow the 6-year-old around all freakin' day to find out.

But in the meantime, let's take walk (or have our mommies carry us) down memory lane and remember some of the highlights of Suri Cruise's short but endlessly absorbing life.

Look who got all dressed up for Easter Sunday: Mason Disick, all in pink! Pale pink blazer, pink gingham shirt, and pink chinos. Yes, Kourtney put her boy in head-to-toe pink for Easter, and I think he looks adorbs. Pink for boys? Why not?

Honestly, I think it takes a very secure dad to send his son out into the world dressed in that color, so my Easter bonnet off to Scott and grandpa Bruce here, too. Kourtney says pink was Scott's idea! But there's a lot of guys out there who wouldn't feel comfortable letting their son wear pink. Maybe a few moms, too?

What's a Toddlers & Tiaras mama supposed to do when her little showgirl starts acting all pooped? Poor little dumpling, those pageants are so draining. What could you possibly do to perk her up? Oh I know: POUR A FEW PACKETS OF SUGAR DOWN HER GULLET.

Susanna didn't look at all deranged or desperate when she did this to her daughter, Isabella, on the premiere episode of Toddlers & Tiaras. The 5-year-old complained that she was "feeling tired." Susanna did some speedy thinking: "Straight sugar just gives you instant energy!" Zoom. And before you start accusing me of judging -- yeah, you know what? I am judging. Who does this?

Does it seem like Suri Cruise gets carried by her parents an awful lot even though she's almost 6 years old now? HuffPo just called out TomKat for their child-wearing ways: "Suri, it's time to retire your clinging-like-an-adorable-koala-bear act with mom Katie Holmes and dad Tom Cruise." Oof, harsh!

And then they compiled a slideshow of pictures of Tom and Katie carrying Suri -- and it goes on, and on, AND ON. Okay, okay! We get the point! They carry their kid around a lot, and it's totally overindulgent of them. The girl does appear to have feet and legs, after all. If you have your own skating rink, you can probably walk.

But of all the Suri indulgences, this is the one I can understand.

The first-ever "natural" issue of Parenting (April) gives us a peek into Jessica Alba's world as a Hollywood mom of two. She spills on how she learned to deal with the paparazzi, getting back her pre-baby body, and what led her to launch the Honest Company. But what intrigued me most was what she said about what kind of mom she is.

"I'm the disciplinarian," she says. "I think it's because I was kind of a naughty kid myself: I'd push my parents' buttons and test them to see how much I could get away with." Ah-hah! So being a bad girl led Jessica to become the "bad cop" to her husband Cash Warren's "good cop"!

Breaking news! Three-year-old Vivienne Jolie-Pitt was spotted wearing bright red lipstick! Bright red lipstick, you say? This is huge!! We haven't seen bold toddler style like this since the heyday of Suri Cruise.

And now, let the detailed analysis begin: Is Vivienne merely emulating Angelina Jolie's trademark look? Is bright red lipstick really appropriate for a 3-year-old? Did Vivienne choose the right shade of red for her skin tone?

Are you kidding me?!

I want to make a very important distinction here, one that seems to be lost on far too many people: Everything we call "fashion" -- makeup, clothes, shoes, hair, etc. -- when we're talking about adults or teens or even tweens goes by a different name when we're talking about toddlers: "Dress-up."

Jennifer Lopez has a pair of super-sweet niños, twins Emme and Max. She talked about them a little last night on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno, and you can tell she's so proud of them. "Oh they're so good, they're about to turn 4," she told Jay. And she has the cutest nickname for the twins -- yes, they share the same nickname, one for the pair of them.

Jay already knew about the nickname: "Are you still calling them The Coconuts?" OMG, The Coconuts! That's so freaking adorable. Don't babies look like coconuts, with their little coconut-sized heads with their little hairs coming in? Here's what J. Lo said about her twins' kooky nickname.

Toddlers and Tiaras pageant mom Susanna Barrett is mad. She's just sick and tired of the way the media sexualizes little girls, and she's not going to take it anymore! In fact, she's launched a $30 million lawsuit against the Huffington Post, TMZ, and The Daily Mail for "brazenly" trying to sexualize her daughter, Isabella Barrett.

Yeah, take that, wicked, over-sexed media people! This sexualizing of innocent 5-year-old girls has got to stop! Just because little Isabella was caught on video singing along to the song "I'm Sexy and I Know It," with a microphone, with mommy sitting right next to her... wait, something is very wrong with this picture, and I don't think it has anything to do with TMZ, HuffPo, or Daily Mail.