Manners Stick When You Stick to Your Guns: Ask Mrs. Manners

on January 19, 2010 at 7:00 AM

If you want all those hard-fought manners and family rules to stick with your child, then you have to stick to your guns when you're enforcing them. And that's not always easy.

Today MrsManners gives us some encouragement for holding firm to our rules and expectations, especially when it matters most.

Manners Stick When You Stick to Your Guns

From: MrsManners

One of the hardest things to do as a parent is to stick to your guns when it comes to enforcing rules and manners expectations. However, it is imperative. So if you haven't already, you need to take some time and map out your family manners plan as we have talked about in articles past. Decide what you are willing to say "yes" to and what you want to say "no" to. These are not always black and white. Sure, it's pretty clear that you don't want your toddler sticking their finger in a light socket, but is it clear to you whether they should be jumping on the couch or playing with pots and pans?

Recently, I left my son at my sister's home, and she pulled the Aunt card and decided that it was okay (without me being present) to let my toddler play with her pots and pans. Well, let me tell you, this has led to a ridiculous number of battles in my home. I personally don't want my son playing with my pots and pans. They are rather expensive, and I don't want them damaged, even by accident. So what I should have done before leaving my son in my sister's care was to inform her of our rules for our son and our household. That mistake has cost me a tantrum a day for two weeks. Ouch. Even Mrs. Manners doesn't get it right all the time.

The fact is that once you have decided on a rule, you need to stick to it and share all your rules with those caring for your child. Period. While it hasn't been a bit of fun, we have had to say "no" to every request for one of our pans because that is what we decided upon. Is it worth the fight? Absolutely! For most people playing with pots and pans can be an inexpensive way to whip up a drum or some other fabulous noise-making toy, but in my house, pots and pans are not toys — and not because I want to strip my son of something fun but because we like to cook and have invested a fair bit into the tools that we use in the kitchen.

When your rules are put to the test, remember that your child will thrive in an environment that is consistent. Your toddler looks to you for everything, but most importantly, he looks to you for guidance and consistency. It's amazing how quickly something as small as playing with pots and pans can escalate into something big. It only takes a single mistake. Prior to the Aunt incident, my son and I never had a single disagreement about whether to play with pots and pans because we were consistent and as parents agreed that it was something we wouldn't be doing. I love that my son wants to cook and he has ample toys to make his imagination thrive in the cooking arena, so he doesn't need my pots and pans.

Sticking to your guns with your toddler will actually help to prevent temper tantrums, and that is a big deal in the realm of manners. You want to give your child every advantage in life, so make a list of things early on that you and your significant other are willing to do or not do in order to keep the peace. If you make a list of rules, you can share it with potential babysitters and family so that you don't have the same type of negative results that we experienced.

In fact, I would recommend that you not only create a list but that you update it on a yearly basis. As your toddler develops and grows, you will want to sit down and talk about those advancements and how they impact your list. Make the necessary modifications as they grow older, and you will avoid many a temper tantrum. There is nothing worse than having your toddler throw a tantrum because you weren't prepared to handle the issue, especially when you are out and about. I get a lot of questions about how to handle temper tantrums and the short answer is...prevention.

So now that I have shared my mistake, I would love to hear from you about yours. Has there ever been a time where someone changed the rules on you when you weren't looking? Have you had an incident where you and your significant other have disagreed on whether something would be a "yes" or a "no" and how did you handle it? We love to hear from you so please, by all means, share your stories with us and if you have a question that you want answered, just leave me a note and I will answer it for you in an future article.

Submit your manners/behavior questions in the comments below or via PM to Cafe Sheri. CafeMom MrsManners aka: Angela Pitre, owner of the CM group Manners for the Modern Family and MannersMadeFun.com, is here to help!

Comments (7)

momoflilangel

on Jan 19, 2010 at 9:00 AM

My mother-in-law thought it would be okay to give my toddler a piece of gum without asking me first. When I noticed I made her spit it out right away. My mother in law asked me why she couldn't have it and I said b/c I didn't think a barely 3 year old needed gum & I didn't want it to ever get on her clothes or her hair. So now my daughter asks for gum constantly and I have to be the meany to tell her no. I tell her that gum is for big people.

Also, my mother in law, thought it was okay to let my daughter chase her cat as a fun game. So now my daughter chases our cat all the time and thinks it is funny. She gets into trouble for it though b/c our cat isn't young and has a health problem. So when I told my mother in law not to let her do it anymore, of course she had to question why for that too. I told her b/c it was mean and I didn't want her chasing our cat around.

These "rules" aren't something I think about to even right down. I never would have thought that she'd let my daughter chase her cat so I wouldn't have known to make that a rule to prevent that battle. I wish I would have though b/c I have to deal with it now on a daily basis.

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MrsManners

on Jan 19, 2010 at 10:52 AM

That is the challenge for sure momoflilagnel, it's hard to know what to write down sometimes. But if you are proactive and think of everything you wouldn't want your child to do, you can come up with a starter list. That doesn't mean you won't get blind sided from time to time though. Good luck!

Loveplusmama

on Jan 19, 2010 at 11:58 AM

I get being consistent, and the importance of manners. My son is doing a great job. Right now the big one we are working on is sitting at the table while everyone else finishes eating, even if he is done. And we also need to work on not interupting an adult if they are talking- we haven't quite figured out how to do that.

My husband and I have our rules that we agree on, but we also expect a litlte back-tracking and struggle after a special weekend with family. Some things are really non-negotiable (hitting, biting, sitting to eat) but the other rules that we have I am not going to push onto our family members because if that isn't ther house rule, why should all the sudden become one because my son is there? I think daily caregivers need to hold tight to family rules, but not special family time. It works for us.

Nonmember comment from katie

on Jan 19, 2010 at 6:40 PM

Rockin article! I have a partial solution. We do not do day care, so most of the childcare for my almost three year old is done is the homes of my mother in law and my mom comes to our home (as well as walks back n forth from our home to hers). as a result, there are many sets of rules that need to be thought about so consistancy can be maintained. I find that the best way for those rules to not be an issue at our home is to explain that things are different in different places. The initial tantrum still sucks!, however, now when we talk about Grandma's rules and mom and dad's rules, there is an established construct for understanding that there are different rules for different situations (much in the same line as 'restaurant manners vs. kitchen table manners - they are similar, but really depends on location) It is much easier to enforce that now (although, the initial hump was a large one to get over!) Hope that helps a little!

carrieberrrie

on Jan 20, 2010 at 10:19 PM

Seriously you can't buy the kid a pot & pan at the dollar store to play with?? I am all for manners. I have 2 kids and have parents asking me what the secret is to having genuinly good kids. Kids people don't mind having around. Please moms don't be a rule nazi and enforce your rules apon other peoples houses. I have family members that do this and it is a major upset for everyone. Talk to your kids.. explain why things are diffrent, explain why they can't chase your cat. Kids get it if you just take the time to help them understand the diffrence and find a way to work around it so everyone is happy. Pick your battles. I was so irritated by this article. We have rules in our house, don't get me wrong. But I honestly beieve this is all wrong.

tyrelsmom

on Jan 21, 2010 at 2:22 AM

The only thing this made me think was... Ok, so you don't want him banging on your expensive pots and pans. Understandable. But what's to stop you from getting him his own cheapo pan?

Nonmember comment from Ann

on Aug 18, 2010 at 1:27 AM

"I love that my son wants to cook and he has ample toys to make his imagination thrive in the cooking arena, so he doesn't need my pots and pans." That means he DOES have his own cooking toys to play with which i'm sure includes pots and pans. Back to the topic, completely on the mark. In every way, children need consistency as much as they need food. I've seen it proven up-close and in-dept time after time in my MIL's daycare. The rules and routine NEVER change and parents of seemingly unruly children are amazed that their Little Monster is saying "please", "thank you" and not throwing food across the table. And some children in particulary mentally stressful places feel safer in her house than their own beds. Consistancy in all things really is a very powerful thing.