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The toddler years are the perfect age to start teaching your kids manners and good habits. And MrsManners aka: Angela Pitre, owner of the CM group Manners for the Modern Family and FamilyMannersMadeFun.com, is here to help.
Dear MrsManners:
My three and a have year old son's language is getting out of hand. He's not only using dirty words but bad language, i.e: he told my husband the other night "I don't love you anymore, I wish you would go, away and my mommy will take care of me."
This hurt my husbands feeling's horribly, even though he knows our son is just three. He also tells me, "You may be the boss of me, but you are not my mommy," or "You are not the boss of me." We do give time outs and consequences, but it's not doing much good. Do you have any suggestions on what we might try? -- choconut08
MrsManners says:
I think most parents have heard something like this from their toddler, and just like for you, it still hurts, age or not. It's okay to feel that way, but know you'll get through it and you can take advantage of this teachable moment.
His words are adult and hurtful, but he probably doesn't know what they mean. It's the reaction he wants. Even the slightest twinge on your part can give a child the ammunition they need to keep spewing vitriol. You or your husband may not even realize the look of shock or hurt on your face, but he certainly does.
The other possibility is that he is acting out. If he's angry, he may not know how to express it the right way yet, so it comes out in the form of hurtful words. Only you know if there is something going on that would cause him to be angry. Maybe he didn't get his way or he's dealing with some big life change.
Either way, I suggest that you start working with him on feelings. We touched on this topic a bit last week too, but this situation gives us another way to look at them. When he says these things, try putting him in time out. After he's calmed down, explain to him that some words hurt -- the same as if he kicked or hit you.
"You know not to do those things, right? So you shouldn't use hurtful words either."
This won't deliver overnight results, but keep at it. And examine possible outside influences. Your son may be picking up the words from a friend on a play date. If that's the case, address it in a similar way, but explain that just because someone else uses those words, it doesn't mean it's okay for him to say them.
Don't forget that you ARE the boss of your son, at least for another 15 years. It's okay to let him know that it's your job to make the choices and decisions that are best for him. All children test their borders with the "you are not the boss of me" statement. They will push you to your outer most limits, and it is up to you to say enough is enough.
Good luck and keep us posted.
Sincerely,
Past Ask Mrs Manners columns:
10 Signs Your Toddler Is a Brat
Should Kids Be Forced to Share Toys?
Should Parents Say 'Thank You'?
How to Have Well Behaved Toddlers
Comments (3)
When my son says something in appropriate, I have found the best practice for us was to give him the correct and appropriate words to use to express the same thing. Then I have him repeat THAT back to me. So if a child says, "I hate you, Mommy!" you can replay, "We don't say 'hate'. Please say, "I'm MAD at you mommy!" and have him repeat it back. Then you can go into the reasons for the anger, "I know you're mad because mommy said no, but..." and talk about why you don't say certain things. If my son is too angry to practice or to talk, then he does go to his room for think time until he's calmed down enough to discuss what he said, why he said it and a better way of expressing himself. So talking about emotions is great, but also give the child the words to appropriately express the same emotions.
When my oldest stepbaby was about 3.5 he pulled that on his father. I sat him down on my lap and told him that what he feels inside, like when we tell him "no" or won't let him do something he wants to do, is called being angry and that he has every right to feel angry, but that he cannot hurt us because he is angry.
I told him that the next time he is angry he can either go outside in the back yard and yell as loudly as he could or he could hit the pillows on the sofa, but that words can hurt and that he has to take care not to use his words to hurt people just because he's upset.
My daughter has been picking up on cuss words & stuff i have gotten used to not saying them around her but if were out in public or even if she hears a song she'll repeat it i tell her its a bad word and she shouldn't say it and if she continues to say it after i tell her not to i will put her in time out for like 5 minutes and she doesn't say it anymore