I don't want to be a helicopter parent, but I can't help it. There are so many dangers to watch for -- hazardous coffee tables in homes, fatal germs on shopping carts, and sicko perverts waiting for me to look away for a second so he can steal my child.
Or are there?
For the real truth, read Lenore Skenazy's new book "Free Range Kids: Giving Our Children the Freedom We Had Without Going Nuts With Worry."
Lenore is playfully referred to as "America's Worst Mom" because she let her (very responsible and mature) 9 year old ride the subway alone. He made it home alive. And mom and son thought it was great! But the rest of the world attacked her for it.
In her book, Lenore digs up the real stats and facts about how real all those mommy things we freak out about really are. Examples: Crime rates involving children and abductions. Down! Our kids are actually safer now. Poison and razor blades in apples at Halloween? Never happened. Ever.
From a section of her book on Halloween:
"One of my favorite warnings tells parents: 'Make sure, if your child is carrying a prop, such as a scythe, butcher knife or pitchfork, that the tips are smooth and flexible enough so as not to cause an injury if fallen on.'
"Fallen on?
"I have just one question for the folks who dream up those safety warnings: Have you ever seen a knife land blade-side up?"
I want to be more like Lenore, to worry less about the fake risks so my kids and I can enjoy life more. So we chatted. Here's the first part of my chill out lesson:
Were you always so laid back with your kids?
No, and I'm still not entirely. Free-Range is a process, trying to separate the real risks from the urban myths that crop up in any generation. Myths foisted upon us by TV and by "experts" eager to show how much they know and we don't. (And even, shhh!, by parenting magazines that wouldn't have anything to write about if they didn't keep coming up with new things for us to worry about: e.g. "Is your bathroom/bedroom/backyard/day care/nursery/car seat/rattle/teddy bear SAFE?" "10 Things That Could Kill Your Toddler This Afternoon!"
Give me an example of how you were just like many of us when your kids were toddlers.
One time when my oldest was about 1 or so, he was crying in the back seat and I was next to him. My mother-in-law said, "Why don't you give him a bottle?" but I said, "Are you KIDDING?" I'd read that if a car comes to a sudden stop, the bottle could choke him and there's no way I was going to choke my baby! What kind of crazy grandma even suggests such a thing? (How about a grandma who raised three kids on her own just fine? That's what I realized later on.)
It's hard to trust the older generation when we have our own new, modern, scientific advice. But a lot of that advice is way too worried about extremely unlikely outcomes.
So what were your toddlers allowed to have or do that kids today aren't?
I'm not sure I granted my kids a ton of freedom, but there were some safety devices and precautions that even I realized were unnecessary. For instance, my nanny had heard on the news that a child could get wound up in his fitted sheets and smother. But I felt that that was pretty unlikely and I already had fitted sheets, so I kept them.
The freedom I did grant my boys was to play on a not-perfectly-clean floor and to use a pacifier that fell on it. (They lived.) And when I realized my first son and I were both bored out of our minds at this dumb music class I'd signed up for, I granted us the freedom to quit without worrying that this meant he would never be Vladimir Horowitz.
And I granted him the freedom to eat stuff you won't find in Organic Gardening Today (or any day!).
Did you toddler-proof at all?
I did babyproof.
I put little plastic locks on the cabinets and some doodads on the stove that made it hard for anyone (me included) to turn on. And naturally I moved as many small, breakable or chewable items as I could to higher shelves. As I also discovered while doing my book research: Choking is not an urban myth. It's a real danger. Move small objects out of the way.
But 'm glad I got out of the toddler years just as the professional baby-proofing thing was gearing up, because those guys go overboard and I might have, too.
When I was researching the topic for my book, I watched a TV segment that was supposed to "help" parents figure out all the things they needed to do. The professional babyproofer went around the home putting stoppers on all the doors so none of them would shut, lest a child smash his finger. We've had kids and doors co-existing for many a century, and most kids end up with ten working digits. Why all of a sudden are doors considered so dangerous?
What other baby-proofing myths did you expose?
The professional baby proofer also insisted that all homes need a toilet lock because "two kids a week" die in toilet drownings. I looked up the figures on the Centers for Disease Control web site: Four kids a year die in toilets -- an accident you can prevent by shutting the bathroom door. (IF your door shuts, which I guess it wouldn't if you put on those door stoppers.) Point is: the guy had exaggerated the danger 2600 percent.
Anyway, once you hear of a danger, no matter how remote, it is hard to ignore it.
There are some crazy products out there. What are the most ludicrous ones in your opinion?
Here's one: the Thudguard, a helmet kids can wear, dawn to dusk, as they learn to walk. The website says that this product is necessary due to the alarming "increase" in serious head trauma among toddlers -- as if evolution has taken a giant leap backwards and suddenly kids are careering into walls as never before. I don't buy it.
Similarly, there are baby knee pads to protect a toddler's knees, as if suddenly children cannot sustain a fall without serious, possibly permanent injury. This whole field is trying to convince us that our kids are more vulnerable than ever, when they're not.
What are the most extreme examples of toddler proofing you have witnessed?
A mom wrote into one of the parenting magazines with this "tip": Carry extra shoelaces in your purse. Why? So when you go to someone else's home you can TIE THEIR CABINETS SHUT. This struck me as a rather quixotic notion, if nothing else: You are responsible for baby proofing not just your house but the entire world? Not only is that a rather heavy burden on you, but it means your child will never learn (or even HEAR): "Don't open their cabinets, sweetie. This isn't our home!" There is something to be said for teaching your children how to deal with life, rather than trying to eliminate any and every obstacle in their way.
I needed a good laugh today! Any other good ones?
There's also a company out there selling gLovies -- gloves you can put on your toddler so they NEVER have to touch a germ in the outside world. That is a prescription for OCD if ever there was one.
Again, are our kids suddenly SO much more vulnerable than any earlier generation, so that merely touching a shopping cart or playground swing is going to give them some horrible disease? What about building up some immunity? What about the fact every generation up until now survived a trip to the grocery store? (I have the same gripe with portable place mats, as if restaurants are crawling with typhoid.)
+++
Check out Lenore's blog at Free Range Kids, and buy the book at amazon. Tomorrow, Lenore offers tips for going more Free-Range with your toddlers.
++Are you a Free-Range parent? Give an example of something you do that would make Lenore proud. Do you agree with this philosophy?
Comments (28)
I strive to be a Free-Range Parent. My floors are not spotless, and sometimes she eats dropped Cheerios off the floor. I don't have a shopping cart cover. I let her play with the kid with the runny nose. I let her go down the slide on her own.
My mother is a Free-Range parent. I joined her on a trip to D.C. when I was 11. She had a meeting to go to in the morning. She gave me a subway map, $20, and a metrocard and said "Meet me at the Carousel in the Smithsonian mall at noon".
Kids are kids. If we instill this much paranoia in how children, they are going to grow up and be paraniod adults.
I agree with all of it EXCEPT the part about a 9 year old on the subway by themselves. That's just asking for trouble, IMO. All the rest is great advice. We didn't really baby proof (we of course moved all the chemicals up high etc though.), I don't make a big deal of minor accidents/falling down/etc.. although DH does. I let my kid eat things that have fallen on the floor (although we have all tile floors and I mop usually once a week, more or less). I'm not a huge fan of hand sanatizing except after using the restroom etc (obvious), or being outside and really dirty and warranting a hand washing. I think of it as common sense really, rather than listening to the hype.
I never baught into the whole child proof everything and keep the house beyond spotless thing. I did make sure that harmful chemicals are out of reach and stuff like that, but never put locks on kitchen doors or anything like that. My house is clean enough to be comfortable in (ie, picked up, vacumed and an attempt at clutter control), but it is by no means spotless. I let my 6 and 4 year old go accross the street to play with the neighbors and call them home for dinner. I live in a small town in Kansas. Most everyone knows us on the street and my girls know better then to talk to people they don't know. It will be a while before I let them go further then accross the street alone, but I don't believe in hovering. It prevent's growth.
I guess I am a bit free range, without realising it. We went to the beach yesterday I put up a big umbrella and Stan sat in and ate sand.
I did babyproof. And I do wipe down my grocery cart b/c they are just gross. Other then that I don't do any of the other things she mentioned.
Oh, I am so free range it isn't even funny! HEHE!! I love this- If she is the worst parent I am definitely a contender! I hear about moms getting up and changing the sheets every time their kid wets the bed or up chucks in the middle of the night.. not me, I throw a towel and another blanket over it and head back to bed.... Another... what? you wanna sleep with me snuggles.. sorry.. we had to eliminate all of the stuffed animals and pillows because they collect dust and bed bugs... OMG people, the vast majority of kids will grow out of childhood allergies and what not so long as you let them build up a tolerance.. I say, if you kid isn't in danger of an asthma attack then mr snuggles can stay, or go with us everywhere, whatever... Freak accidents DO happen, but they don't care if you have baby proofed or not.... Don't eat yourself up with worry about what may happen if you blink and just enjoy your kiddos!
Wow, I guess you could call me a "Free Range Parent". I never knew there was a name for it...I just thought I was a "normal" parent! Yes, I baby proofed my home, but barely apparently. Yes, I put the plastic cover thingies on my outlets, I put a gate at the top of my staircase...and that's about it. I never did get around to putting locks on the cabinets...my boys are 2 and 4 now...and they don't open the cabinets. They have been told enough times, "No, don't open the cabinet" that I think they know not to open them! My floors are far from clean, I don't obssess and clean the grocery cart handles (or use a cart cover for that matter), and I don't care if my kids roll around in the dirt at the park. Yes, they got sick the first year they were born, but now...they hardly ever get sick. I attribute that to NOT over-protecting them from germs. I just cannot believe how neurotic some of these parents can be these days.
I think I'm pretty free-range. Only reason my cabinets were baby-proofed is because the previous tenant did it. I don't believe in protecting kids from germs (I prefer exposure - I think I have one bottle of anti-bacterial stuff and I've lost it because I never use it) - heck, I ate ants and dirt as a kid - I expect no less from my son! I let my 4 year old play outside by himself at our apartments because he's proven he's mature enough to follow the rules that I set out for him. I let him go into the men's room unattended, but he has the right to choos to not go in if he's nervous (which happens whenever there's a man already in). Yeah...I'm pretty free-range.
I didn't babyproof, I taught the all important word, NO! I do not hover, I didn't have a cart cover. My son is 13, and has been taught to think for himself. Not, rely on evertything being up and out of the way and not haveing to think for himself. I totally agree with free-range, otherwise, kids will never learn cause ansd effect, or action and consequenses.
I guess I am a free range parent. I let my son eat food off the floor sometimes, he hides little pieces, like cheerios and such and will walk up to me with it in his mouth...I also feed him food like grapes and such..he is 17mo old BTW. I have only minimally baby proofed, I put outlet covers in, that's it...nothing else. I don't have a cart cover and I don't think I need one....I let him use a walker, even though he hated it, so that only lasted about a week..he still has the walker, but he plays with the music player on the tray.