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Something another mom said to her daughter in the locker room after swimming lessons really nauseated me. As I peeled the wetsuit off of my daughter, the 4 or 5 year old next to us asked her mother, "Mom, I listened really well in swim class today. Could I have a cookie?"
To which the mom replied, "No, honey, you know we don't reward for positive behavior. I will give you a treat when I feel that a treat is warranted."
I think I was more irked by the way she said it -- a little too loudly and deliberately, so all the other mothers absorbed the full impact of her enlightened parenting beliefs -- than what she was saying.
Of course, every mom should use the parenting style that they think works best with their kids. But I'm sorry ... a 4 year old actually knows the meaning of the term "positive reinforcement"?
At that moment, I was secretly hoping my own daughter would have asked me the same question so I could have said even more loudly, "Sure, sweetie, you can even have TWO cookies!"
Of course, this was a new one on me. I was curious as to why some psychologist out there feels that rewarding good behavior with baked goods is an dangerous thing, so I Googled it. This is what I found: A child should learn that the best rewards are innate or self-motivated, like the feeling of accomplishment, the approval of peers, or even weight loss or increased muscle strength for working hard at a sport.
Sure, I want my kid to get all those things, too, and I'm pretty sure she is, cookie or not. My daughter knows I'm not one of those moms who rewards or acknowledges for trifling efforts -- "Here's three dollars for going down the slide!" or "Way to go breathing that air!"
I think the mom in the locker room was too focused on the treat and missed what I thought was the best thing about the girl's request -- she actually realized she'd done good at a bona fide toddler challenge and pointed it out, politely and humbly. So what if she wanted a little extra acknowledgment -- isn't that what we're all told to do as adults when we march into the boss and tell him we deserve a raise?
Do you reward your child's positive behavior -- why or why not?
Comments (19)
Wow. I would have said no to the cookie, but I would have definitely told her that I was glad that she listened. There is a difference between acknowledging good behavior and treating them for it. My kids don't get treats for being good unless it is something huge, like behaving on the hour trip to the grocery store and not driving me nuts while we are in the grocery store. Then they get a treat because they have been really really good. It can also be a bribe to get them to behave when we are shopping.
I would be upset/irked too. Why couldn't she have accentuated the positive "Honey you did listen so well and I am very proud of you, we can have our cookie at snack time" . The child gets postive reaction from parent as her reward and her cookie that she wants abit latter.Isn't it ironis that the mother said she would give a treat when it is warranted? What warrats a cookie? when the child does what? The mom thought process is illogical to me and I'm an adult, how is the child to figure out what the mom meant?
I absolutely believe in positive reinforcement. That said, food should NEVER be used as a reward or a punsihment; it can lead to a lifetime of food issued. A big hug, and telling the child how proud you are of her and what a big girl she is would have gone far. A month of the same good behavior, without backsliding, may be a reason to give a small toy or an extra trip to the park.
I completely agree with rkoloms. Food should never ever be used as a treat or be withheld as punishment. I hear to many parents say make a happy plate(which by the way makes me want to barf in its own right) and you can have dessert. Yeah, nothing like teaching your kid to ignore its normal body signals and over eat, so they can over eat some more by adding a sugar rich, nutrition poor dessert on top of it.
Children should be taught that food is a tool to help us maintain a healthy lifestyle, and that food can give you great pleasure when eatin in moderation.
I do reward positive behavior - but not necessarily with food and especially not with toys. I reward with positive words and acts - "You did a great job listening! I'm so proud of you!" Sometimes it's "Wow! That was really generous of you. I'm so proud, let's go to the park!" Food treats are for special, non-specific things and I try to not associate them with anything in particular except, maybe, making healthy eating choices - I don't want my son to associate good behavior with sugar or "stuff" like toys, but rather with that innate sense of accomplishment the psychologist mentions.
i think its funny that you are writing a blog based on overhearing something another mom said. you dont know the full story, and her reasoning. ill have to make sure to keep my parenting to myself in public from now on so i dont risk being blogged about, lol.
my daughter is only 2 so i dont feel like ive had to deal with this quite yet, but i dont think using food is a good idea. sure positive reinforcement is wonderful, but why does it have to be done with food??
Well, she is behaving like a psychiatrist,not a mother. That kind of thinking is pretentious and fakey,in my opinion. If she wanted a cookie, why not? What's with the explanation abour rewards and behavior? If she were my Mom,I'd stop talking to her and stay in my room. Really.
I would have slipped the kid a cookie.
Maybe the woman was over-the-top, but I agree with the premise. My kids are 9 & 11, and I found that offering rewards is counter-productive. Telling them "clean your room and I'll give you XX" means they will do the minimum required to get XX. Also, they won't ever clean their room again without a reward given.
I reward differently. Some days I'll say "Wow, we have had such a great day, you guys behaved so well! Let's get ice cream!" The kids don't expect it, but enjoy it as a nice surprise.
normally i reward with an acknowledgment for the good behavior it is actually proven that if you ignore the good behavior and only pay attention to the bad they start behaving badly to get more attention. i do however reward intermittently with a dum dum sucker when my son has been bored and i know the boredom is going to continue. either that or i pull out his toys and i may have added another inexpensive one to reward him but i dont believe in doing it all the time. i believe it should be a surprise when it happens and he doesnt expect it. I know that behavior such as that little girls in the locker room speaks more to how much her parents pay attention to bad behavior because when they want to behave and get attention they ask for it even if its subtle.