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Dear MrsManners,
My 15 month old daughter isn't allowed to play with toys belonging to my babysitter's children. Is this a bad environment for her?
The babysitter's children are 3 and 4 years old. It's not a formal, licensed day care; she's a friend of a friend and she seems to be very good to my baby. She keeps her safe and feeds her well.
But the older kids are territorial about everything in their house, and are always taking things away from my daughter's hands whenever she picks up something -- books, magazines, remote controls, even toys.
The babysitter gently dissuades her kids, but she doesn't enforce a rule for every child to follow. I suggested she set up an area for play, but she hasn't done it yet. I'm concerned it's bad for my baby to be at a place where she doesn't know what is allowed to touch, and when she picks up something it will be taken away. How do I broach the subject with my day care provider? -- PeanutJordanMom
MrsManners says:
You are paying this woman to care for your child, and even though it's not a formal program you have every right to speak with her on a professional level about your child's care and and education. Because of the amount of time she spends there, you should essentially think about it as co-parenting. The first thing I would do is quarterly meetings or parent conferences.
Then, take a look at some of the preschools and see what they do on a daily basis with their toddlers. You will find they all do rather similar things developmentally speaking. It is reasonable to expect the same type of developmental work from your daycare provider.
Once you have assembled a clear list of priorities for your daughter, set a meeting date and lay out your plan. If she isn't on board, then you may want to consider finding a new caregiver. Your daughter deserves the best and there is no reason why she can't have it!
Hopefully, sharing will be covered in your plan. Tell your daycare provider you want this skill emphasized. Suggest that both she and her two children practice it with her. Let her know that your plan also includes understanding that not everything needs to be shared.
Bring one of your daughter's own toys, that is not to be shared with the other kids, with her when you drop her. Ask the babysitter if she will ask her own children to select a couple of items that they do not have to share, either. Then, technically speaking, everything else in the house should be available for sharing or taking turns.
Her children are still quite young and the concept of sharing is a difficult one to master at their ages, but by implementing a program for your daughter, you will also be helping her children to learn an invaluable lesson that sounds like they really need.
I love to hear what you have to say, so please weigh in on this topic in the comments area! You may also submit your questions to me by PMing MrsManners or leave it in comments. Thanks for reading.
Angela W. Pitre, aka MrsManners
Past Ask Mrs Manners columns:
Should Parents Say 'Thank You'?
How to Have Well Behaved Toddlers
Ashley Is a Widow Who Stays Strong...
Stephanie is a Surrogate Mom
I Named My Kid SpongeBob!
Emma Lives with Severe Food Allergies
Comments (12)
What does the poor baby do all day if she's not allowed to play with any of the toys? My daughter goes to a more formal home daycare and there is a play space with daycare toys, and then the childcare provider's children's toys are kept in their rooms. I like the idea of having your child take a toy that isn't shared. I think there definitely needs to be toys that are designated for everyone to play with, it's not really fair to your child to spend the day somewhere that she can't touch anything without a bigger kid taking it away.
Children learn by playing! This woman's kids need to share, or she shouldn't be watching anyone else's kids! Also, there should be a designated, safe place to play with plenty of toys or activities!
Ditto what 4kidsandadog said.
You can't force kids to share, but I think they should be in an environment where it's encouraged. If the environment is not to your liking, change it.
Kids do need to learn to share. I don't see why this caregiver doesnt have a play area that is for all the kids. I agree that she doesnt want other kids playing with ALL of her kids' toys, but this seems extreme to me.
I had an in home daycare for years. The toys my son didn't want to share (whether they were new or had special meaning) were kept in his bedroom,(the upstairs of our house was off limits to daycare kids) all the other toys were fair game. If he brought a toy downstairs from his room, he had to share it all day long.
I do not think it is fair to open your home up as a daycare and have toys out in the open , just to have them taken right out of a child's hands. Your daughter is going to (if she is not already ) wonder what she did so wrong to have the items snatched out of her hands. And your friend is just teaching her kids to be selfish brats. She needs to learn to stand up to her children or you need to find a more friendly daycare
Wow! My son is almost 2 and does not like to share but I expect him to anyways. We spend a lot of time working on using our words instead of hitting the little girl I watch (who is 3 months younger than him). I would NEVER expect her to spend the day bored just because my son does not want to share! The only things I do not expect him to share are his lovies (3 blankets, 5 stuffed animals, and his pillow). It sounds like she does not want to put the work in that it takes to teach them these skills.
I had the reverse situation. I used to babysit for my cousin and her 4 year old had a problem with sharing. She would come over and immediately horde all the toys. She would even take toys out my kids' hands and her sister's hands if she wanted it. She was also very dectructive and hard on the toys and thought it was hilarious when she broke one. I don't allow my kids to act that way so there was no way i was going to let another kid bully my children like that. She quickly learned that if she can't share a toy that toy get taken away. I let her have her own toys only to herself and special toys my daughters didn't want their cousin playing with got put up while they came over. Talking to her parents about her behavior did very little. They still would not enforce sharing rules on her and even confessed they have been talked to about it by her preschool teachers. I think they got tired of me telling them how badly she behaved every day because they no longer have me babysit. That's fine with me. My daughters no longer get bullied around and I no longer get stressed out over it. But I feel for the baby sister. She just turned 2 and from what I have heard her sister is still getting away with taking toys from her and not sharing. To me, not enforcing a sharing rule makes the child getting bullied feel less important and no child should ever feel that way.
Before tlaking to her about anything I would go a head and line something else up. Just incase she isn't for this plan. Realy I would just look for somewhere else to take her either way. There are way to many child care providers to settle.
Where do you live? PM me k. Thanks
Should you be forced to share your diamond earrings or your warm fuzzy robe with neighbors?
No, you should not. Nor should a child be forced to share SPECIAL things with anyone. I find it particularly revolting that parents try to force children to share Yule or Birthday presents with other children!
That said, however, yes, children DO need to learn to share. They need to share things like video games, books, dolls or action figures, and trucks or balls. This prepares them later for the fact that in this world, we have to share things from seats on a bus to the planet we stand on. Start slow, start gentle. But never make a child share his current "Fave toy", because that's the equivalent of making YOU share your husband.