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Mom blogger Gina Gallagher and
daughter Katie.
There are lots of different outlooks a mom can take when it comes to raising a child with autism. Some moms hate it and want to find a cure. Other moms accept and embrace it.
I'll be talking with CafeMoms more about that all this month -- April is Autism Awareness Month. But today Gina Gallagher of the blog Shut Up About Your Perfect Kid! share her unique perspective on the autism issue.
Gallagher's autistic daughter, Katie, isn't a toddler anymore --she's 13 -- but because so many CafeMoms are fans, I asked this imperfect mom of an imperfect daughter in for a visit.
And she doesn't mind a bit that I say that about her.
In fact, Gallagher and her sister (mom of a 15 year old with bipolar disorder) are leading a whole "Movement of Imperfection," which she shares more about below.
What's a "Movement of Imperfection"? Isn't that a mean thing to say about autistic kids?
I'm not singling out kids with disabilities as imperfect. We're all imperfect. As part of our book, my sister (my co-author) and I created the "Movement of Imperfection" to invites all parents (even those of average kids or kids with disabilities) to brag about why they're proud of their kids. For example, I once met a mother who bragged, "My autistic child told his first lie."
My response was: "Now why doesn't Hallmark have a line of cards for that?"
I always thought autism was something to take seriously. How can you laugh about it?
Raising a child with autism can be a stressful experience. Humor is a very powerful coping mechanism that offers some powerful health benefits. My ability to find humor in things has helped me get through some of my family's darkest days.
My daughter's view of the world is unique and refreshing and often times, very funny. She definitely follows the beat of her own drum, as I realized one morning when I was waiting for her to get ready for school. She said, "Sorry, I'm late Mom. I was practicing my funny faces in the mirror."
And sometimes it's very funny to realize how different my life is from other parents of non-autistic children. I had a friend say to me one day. "You're so lucky your kids don't play sports. It's expensive." I responded with "And you're lucky your kids don't have issues. Therapists are no bargain either."
Tell me about Katie.
She was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome at age 8, but looking back, I can spot the behavior much earlier in toddlerhood. She was extremely verbal and I thought she was gifted. She did have some quirks -- flapping her hands, watching TV out of the sides of her eyes, and lining up her toys. I had no idea she was exhibiting signs of autism.
She's now in a school for kids with special needs and has flourished. She has friends, but still struggles with initiating contact -- calling her pals on the phone or arranging times to get together.
So which side of the autism divide are you on?
In all honesty, at first I was in the "I hate this, it's not fair" category. I had a very difficult time accepting Katie's autism. I got caught up in the perfect child syndrome. It was devastating for me to learn that my child was not only not perfect, but was facing a difficult life ahead of her.
It was particularly hard for me to watch her play sports. I was a very good athlete and had a very hard time accepting that my child would rather catch butterflies in the net. I felt embarrassed and ashamed. At one point, I thought Katie's autism was my greatest failure. I would have done anything to make it go away. I wanted to cure her.
But then I started talking to parents of children with a wide range of disabilities and I began to see Katie in a whole new light. Somewhere along the line, I saw the absurdity of the way we parents judge our children and looked at my daughter for who she was -- a beautiful, quirky, and happy child. It wasn't until I stopped judging her by my own expectations and society's unrealistic expectations of perfection that I could see this. I now believe her autism is the greatest thing that could have ever happened to me.
Wow -- a lot of CafeMoms feel exactly the opposite. Please explain ...
She's helped me be more accepting of others, to appreciate little things in life (like the time she first tied her shoes -- at age 10) and to maintain my priorities about what's really important in life. I think the greatest gift an autistic or special child can give to a parent is the gift of compassion.
The worst part is getting others to see her the way I do -- to go beyond her quirks and get to know the beautiful person inside. I do think things are changing and I personally feel that the more I talk about Katie's Asperger's, it helps lesson the stigma. I really don't think people will understand Asperger's if we don't talk about.
What's one of the funniest autism moments from Katie's toddler years?
I took her to McDonald's, my favorite place as a kid, and ordered her a Happy Meal. She didn't touch any of it (naturally I ate it for her). She looked at me and said, "Happy Meals don't make me happy, Mommy." She's so different than I was as a kid and sometimes it's just funny.
Tell me about your book -- why should moms of autistic children read it?
Our book, Shut Up About...Your Perfect Kid!, takes a humorous, heartwarming look at raising a special child in a world pre-occupied with perfection. It's often referred to as a support group within a book, offering hope to those who feel like they are alone. We self-published the first edition and have a revised edition coming out in August 2010 with Three Rivers Press, a Random House imprint.
Though our book is about special needs children, it's message is a universal one that all parents can relate to: stop judging your children by today's ridiculous standards of perfection and your own expectations and appreciate the gifts and beauty that every child -- abled or challenged -- has to bear.
++Are you the mom of an autistic child? Do you approach your child's autism with Gina's outlook or do you have different feelings on the matter?
Visit these popular groups: Autism/Asperger's/PDD Awareness, Autism, Mercury Poisoning and Everything in between and Parenting Children With Autism Spectrum Disorder.
Comments (11)
I am not a mother of an autistic child, that I am aware of. My son is only 16 months old, so who knows? Anyhow, my BIL who is 15 has aspergers. He is high functioning. And sometimes he jokes about his autism...no one else really does because we don't even really notice it...his fav joke to tell is this one. When he was younger his dad had him on his shoulders and his dad is very tall, about 6'4 and his dad was just standing there and walked into the fan, only thing was, Sean(BIL) was getting hit in the head with the fan, not FIL...and so now BIL says all the time that is why he is autistic...
I love the title!
I don't not have an autistic child, however my best friend does. Her son is much better behaved than my son and for that I envy her. She is a wonderful mom and very strong. I give her the much needed praise for dealing with those of us who are not in her shoes. May God give all mothers strength to raise their children in the way she sees fit.
I read you colomn and even tough my son has adhd,I do have a niece who has autism,let me say I experinced the most innocent and profound love from my niece.There is somethiing special about a young child who ,loves like no other
I have friends whose children are autistic...and I strongly believe my oldest g'son is autistic;asperger's syndrome,that is...all the females in my family have a syndrome,called Townes-Brocks syndrome and one of the 'side' syndromes is,you guessed it,Autism. He has lots of the features of a TBS child,plus lots of the behaviours of Asperger's...I would love to read the book when you are ready to share it with the world!
beautiful child...my daughter has special needs.she is not autistic but does have a iep.and yes i do agree.stop talking about your perfect child.and when people find out they sure let you know...our children are the ones that are perfect they are gifts from GOD...my neighbor next stores daughter is (perfect)all a student travel soccer tem. and she let me know by telling me i was a bad mother..boy that hurt me and my daughter.my daughter tries as hard as she can and thats all i ask is that she tries her hardest...well good luck....
I own this book and I love it! It was so nice to read something about autism that was light and made me laugh because that is definitely not the norm. I love Shut up about your perfect kid and the ladies behind it!
This is the coolest group ever!! I was in touch with them soon after learning about it. They are both such cool ladies. :) I have the book and the T-shirt. :) Check it out!
http://www.shutupabout.com/
You know, none of my kids have autism but they still have their issues. I've always marvelled at their imperfections. My middle daughter had a speech delay as a toddler. I remember how excited I was when she finally said her first word at 16 months. I ran to the computer and just about exploded with pride on her playgroup board. I got maybe 2 responses back because it was old new to them. Their kids had been talking for months and months and many were already using sentences. Then when she was 22 months she started saying more words. I just about cried with joy to finally hear her talk, nobody else cared.
She also has had some fine motor delays and is seeing a neorologist for seizures. She is a very unique girl and is so far from "perfect" but she is amazing to me. She is so strong and refuses to let her issues get the better of her. I was so proud when she finally learned to put her socks on at 4 years old and to button her blouse last year at the age of 6.
I've always embraced my kids' imperfections and I've been known to brag about them in all their glorious imperfections.
Finding the humor in a tough situation is one of the reasons why Josh Blue is one of my FAVORITE stand-up comedians. He constantly jokes about his own disability, being a person with CP and how he perceives his world and his disability. Keith Wann is another wonderful stand-up comedian that, while he doesn't have a disability himself, has two parents who are deaf. He does all his comedy in ASL and growing up in the deaf community has given him a unique perspective on the world too.
My best friend, from 5th grade until she died at age 22, had SMA. She also took life much less seriously than people expected her to. Really, why should we take every minute of life with people with disabilities or as a person with a disability so seriously? They don't constantly think "Man, I am deaf! I feel so sorry for myself!" or "I can't walk so I should be bummed." They see themselves as "perfect" in their own right! Even Josh Blue said if they found a cure for CP he wouldn't do it because it's part of who he is.
My passion for kids with special needs has driven me to try to help others to see that they are "just kids" like every other kid. They might need a little extra help now and then but who doesn't? Like this blogger said--We're ALL imperfect. Just let all kids be kids and make the most of life! HAVE FUN living!