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10 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Having KidsI missed this episode of Dr. Phil -- thanks to tatar for pointing it out in Journals -- and am definitely going to try this diffusion technique by Dr. Harvey Karp (The Happiest Toddler on the Block fame) the next time my toddler has a meltdown. By my predictions, that should be in another 15 minutes or so, since it's been 15 minutes since the last one.
Karp explains to Dr. Phil in greater detail why this method works so well, but here's a rundown of his advice:
The next time your toddler throws a tantrum,
1. Tell her you get her message first. Say she's freaking out because she wants to wear her Dora pajamas, which are in the wash. The logical response from Mom would be: "You can't wear those because they are in the wash. So be a good girl and put these on instead."
Instead, repeat your child's message back to them in the most positive, energetic manner you can, "You want to wear your Dora pajamas! You want to wear your Dora pajamas! You love Dora!"
2. After they've heard you acknowledge them loud and clear, subtly slip your own explanation or message, but keep your phrases short, or toddlers will tune you out.
3. Assume a loving and welcoming body language. So don't point or wave or scowl. The more upset you get, the more your toddler goes down the "prehistoric" elevator and acts like a little cave person.
4. If she continues to whine and scream, just repeat her message again: "You're mad, you're so mad and you're going to cry! I'm going to come back and check on you in a little while."
Try this, too, and let's report back to each other here on whether it really works!
Comments (18)
Yeah...that's not happening with my kids. They'll be getting spanked when they throw tantrums and they will be talked to once they calm down and are able to listen.
That is too much of MY time, my son deceided he wanted to cry in the store because he wanted to see his father. My son has always seen his father so this was just an "I want daddy moment". Anyway he started this non-sense in the grocery store aisle and I just looked at him like he was crazy and walked away leaving him in aisle. He looks like "what" and followed me looking for me when he came to the end of the aisle. When we left the store I pointed to road and said turn left at the light and he cand find his fathers apartment. He was like she is serious and qucikly shut up and followed me to the car. He was 2yrs old at this time, the next and last time he tried to pull this I said ok, and when we got home I proceeded to pack his bags and walk him to the car, he was like ok I can see this does not work for my mom. Two time in all, less than 20min to get it handled. I don't play and my son knows this, I don't have time and as he has gotten older he understands why. Life is fun and doing that type of non-sense is never productive to anyone and the best reason of all is because why play into something you will keep on doing for the rest of your life if you do not stop it from the word GO........
I believe in trying to expalin the situation to the child but every time a tantrum happens I don't have the time to sit down and talk it out. I have found success in preparing her for a trip in the store and if a tantrum starts we will leave the store and she knows she will be missing out on the next time we do go somewhere.
The problem I have with his method is that when you repeat "You want to..." with their level of energy they think that means they can. One can acknowledge their child without repeating "you want this, you want this now" because when you follow that up with "but..." they flip out.
oh yeah...this will only EXCITE her and make her think she is going to get what she wants!
The responding with enthusiasm thing is stupid, IMO. I would acknowledge their feelings by saying something like "I know, that's sucks doesn't it? But they'll be done washing for tomorrow night." This worked for most of the situations like this for me and my kids. They realized I understood how they felt, and I wasn't being "mean mommy" by denying them what they wanted, so usually the tantrum ended. Further fit-throwing resulted in me leaving the room and refusing to talk until they calmed down - "When you can talk to me in your nice voice, then I will listen to you."
I'm no expert, but this worked well for my three girls.
LOL - this WORKS, especially for younger kids who are looking for acknowledgment that they MEAN SOMETHING. So TAKE THE TIME to let your child know their emotions count! Rule one, don't knock it til you've tried it. This technique does not excite kids - it reflects back to them that YOU understand what they are experiencing. Once they don't feel so alone in their emotions, then you can give them the rest of the message. Of course, like anything else, it requires consistency and parental effort to stay involved emotionally with their kids. Additionally, once they are older, you can stop being as dramatic as they are to get the same message across.
It does work, I've got the Happiest Toddler on the Block DVD and I have tried these techniques - but like someone else said it does take time and also I don't always have the energy/patience for it. But it does work.
Dr. Karp's methods TOTALLY got me through both of my babies first few days...couldn't have done it w/o the 5 "S's", lol. But I'll just tell my kids that I hear what they're saying, and ask them to hear what I'm saying.