Ask Mrs Manners: Pushy Toddlers

on March 3, 2009 at 7:13 AM

Photo by Susan1001

The toddler years are the perfect age to start teaching your kids manners. And MrsManners aka: Angela Pitrie, owner of the CM group Manners for the Modern Family and FamilyMannersMadeFun.com, is here to help.

Dear MrsManners,

My almost 3 year old son will not quit pushing his sister down. She is only 15 months old, and he knows he's not supposed to do this, that it's wrong. But how can I get him to understand that he could seriously hurt her? I've tried telling him it will give her boo-boos, since he knows that that means. It just doesn't work. He has pushed her down and she's hit her head on the coffee table, entertainment center, high chair, bed, couch, dining table, toy boxes, etc. Please help me; I'm desperate. I'm afraid that one day, he is going to push her and she'll hit her head the wrong way and get hurt badly. -- rissa_mommyof2

MrsManners says:

This is a scary situation and not one to be taken lightly. I'm concerned that he really doesn't understand he could hurt her, because if he did, he probably would stop. Toddlers aren't naturally empathetic; this is something that they need to be taught and it takes time to learn. He most likely understands the fact that you are upset with him and he doesn't like that, instead of understanding she is going to be hurt.

There are two approaches to dealing with this behavior. Let's touch on a couple of these and go from there:

1. This is just a normal phase that children go through and in order to curb it, you must stay on top of the situation. If he looks like he is about to push her, then you must intervene immediately and remove him. This takes nonstop attention on your part. I don't know that you have that kind of time to commit to working on this problem, but it sounds serious enough to me to warrant it. When removing your son, you calmly explain why you have to remove him and place him in an immediate time out.

2. A child pushes to get attention, even though it isn't positive. In other words, in order to get your attention, they continue the behavior. If this hadn't been going on for quite so long and you hadn't already had so many incidents, you could try ignoring the situation a touch.

Meaning, he pushes, you respond only to your daughter's needs initially, not his behavior. You look at him sternly and say you know that was not nice, you could have hurt her, be very calm and almost dry or emotionless with your tone. This way, there is no behavior for him to respond to. If you subscribe to this line of thought he will eventually lose interest in the whole idea.

Try both of these methods above, and start trying to touch on what empathy is. You do that by talking about emotions, what they look like, sound like and feel like. A great book that I use when teaching is called "Today I Feel Silly", by Jamie Lee Curtis. It will help explain some of these ideas and has a great interactive face in the back where you can change the way the eyes and mouth look.

Also, ask your son to show you what he thinks it looks like to be hurt using his face and body, what it looks like to be sad, happy, etc. You can take a turn and have him guess what you are feeling based on the expression you are wearing. This is also a good way to find out if your child is ready to work on these complex ideas. I know some adults who have a hard time being empathetic, let alone an almost 3 year old.

I would say that if the behavior continues and you have tried all of these ideas, then maybe it is time to bring it up with your pediatrician. It can never hurt to talk to a doctor about something like this, especially when another child is at risk. As a medical professional, your doctor may have some other great ideas to help you work on this problem.

Don't forget to submit your questions, and I look forward to answering the next one. Until next week!

Angela W. Pitre, aka MrsManners

Past Ask Mrs Manners columns:

Taming the Messy Eater

How to Have Well Behaved Toddlers

My Son Won't Stop Touching Other Moms' Breasts!

Is Shyness Impolite?

Stop Peer Pressure Early

About the author Cynthia Dermody

is The Stir's Managing Editor who has trophies in her home for her skills at the Irish Jig. She makes cupcakes with as many fattening ingredients as possible, doesn't comb her hair for months at a time, and was probably a faerie in a former life.

Filed Under: mrs manners

Comments (7)

LoveMyDog

on Mar 3, 2009 at 11:10 AM

This situation calls for a spanking. Runs in the street possibility of death. spank. Almost touches hot oven, possibility of serious injury, spank. Hurts another child, needs to learn empathy. Use a little bit of controlled pain. SPANK him. This is one of the limited times when it is a good idea. Of course if you have one ot those kids where time out works, fine, but if not, don't be afraid to spank in order to correct behavior that could result in serious injury to your other child.

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Jynx1978

on Mar 3, 2009 at 4:14 PM

I agree with LoveMyDog. THIS CALLS FOR A SPANKING.

mybabybugssmile

on Mar 3, 2009 at 6:32 PM

Sorry, but my son would be getting a swift swat on the ass if he pulled that crap.

MommySpeigner

on Mar 4, 2009 at 2:54 PM

I agree, if time out works, then great, but it seems like it has gone WAY beyond time out. If my daughter did that to my son, I would spank her little butt and make sure she thought twice about doing it again.

Jess--DJsMom

on Mar 4, 2009 at 3:17 PM

The only reason this has gone "beyond time out" is because the mother has allowed it. I find it interesting that several people find it a valid parenting method to teach a child not to hurt others by spanking. Sounds like the child is going to learn he can't hit/push others unless they are smaller and less powerful. Spanking is still negative attention. Time outs work but they do take practice by both child and parent. They certainly take more effort than a spanking, but I think they are worth it in the end.

outdoorzyones

on Mar 5, 2009 at 11:27 AM

Congratulations!, we have attained our american goal of being idiots! congratulations to those who blame others for all their poblems. congratulations to thoses who have successfully ingrained and maintained in our children that its someone els's job to "fight" for ourselves, our rights, because we no longer posess the tools necessary to do so. congratulations for allowing and making all forms parenting subject to those considered "experts"...GET YOUR/OUR HEADS OUT OF THE BAG!!!!! just do as you feel needs done to accomplish your goals for your family, nobody knows your child and your family like you. put your heart in it and your head, and you can't be wrong...if a well meaning parent screws up suck it up and appologize for your mistakes to your child (use it as a lesson in humility) even point it out....we should instill love, honor (honesty), pride, diligence, ethics and manners, and independence. the best thing i can do for my children is to guide them to take care of themselves.

in this case, i'd give the child a push back (dont gooverboard) then ask how he liked it...that has stopped every major problem in my family, demonstration...remember; actions speak louder than words especially to small children. another good way is to figure out what that childs curency is, and take it away for a bit.

mandyd53371

on Mar 5, 2009 at 3:52 PM

My parents spanked us when they thought we needed it and we turned out to be loving empathetic people. There is a difference if he did it and didn't mean to or realized it hurt her and gave her a hug and felt remorseful, but it sounds like to me he enjoys seeing her get hurt and cry or whatever, all the attention that comes with it. By age 3 surely he knows what it feels like to fall down or perhaps someone has pushed him down. I have babsat kids for 23 years and some kids are just mean. They pull hair, bite, push, kick, snatch toys, hit the dog etc..... The first time he did it I would have probably picked up my daughter and comforted her and said to my son, "that was not nice, you hurt your sister now give her a hug to say you are sorry and don't do that again" The second time I would probably have pushed him back and said "see that didn't feel to good did it?" If he did it again he would definitely get a spanking. I still believe in the Golden Rule. My grandson likes to pull hair so I pull his back until he lets go of mine...it only took twice and he doesn't pull my hair anymore.