Mom Confessions: You Adopted Her, But She's Still Mine

on January 16, 2009 at 7:45 AM

It's time for a Mom Confession -- because, let's face it, we're real mothers and sometimes it doesn't work the way the parenting books say it should.

This Week's Confession:

"I gave my daughter up for adoption, but I have tons of pictures of her on my private profile here. In fact my entire profile is about her, and her picture is my avatar. She is my precious firstborn and always will be.

"Her adoptive mother has a hundred pictures of her on her public myspace (and doesn't know that I know). If and when she does find out I have her pictures on my profile, I will not take them down. She and her husband are already closing the adoption in three years -- what more do I have to lose? She is my child and my pride and joy, and one day she will know that." --anonymous

Does motherhood transcend legalities? Would you object if the birth mother posted pictures of your adopted child on her homepage?

We all have secrets -- so thanks to this brave mom for sharing her honest thoughts, and thank you for keeping this conversation non-judgemental!

Past Confessions:

I Scold Other People's Kids

I'm on Vacation, But My Kid Is Still Going to Day Care

I Favor My Older Child

I Let My Toddler Eat Food Before Paying for It

About the author Cynthia Dermody

is The Stir's Managing Editor who has trophies in her home for her skills at the Irish Jig. She makes cupcakes with as many fattening ingredients as possible, doesn't comb her hair for months at a time, and was probably a faerie in a former life.

Filed Under: confessions

Comments (97)

cinvargas

on Jan 16, 2009 at 8:44 AM

IF i were in this situation which i'm not and i have no idea what it would be like BUT again IF i were the adopted parents I probably wouldn't like it too much if my adopted child was on ANY other persons webpage. I would feel like the birth mother gave the child up it was her choice and , she shouldn't be lingering. JMO

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Mamaoftwingles

on Jan 16, 2009 at 9:00 AM

You loved your baby enough to give her a live you were not able to give her. I'm not in your situation, haven't ever been and won't ever be so I can't say that I know how you feel. We are starting the adoption process soon and I would not want my child being displayed as someone else's child. When you release your child to another person for adoption, that child ceases to be your child. I would be hurt and upset as an adopted mother if the birth mom did this. I am ALL for adoption, and support birth moms in their strength to give birth to their child, I am staunchly pro-life from conception to nautral death. It just seems that you don't give away a child who is your "pride and joy".... Its just weird for me. And I'm sure the baby's mom would agree.

HappyHomeMommy

on Jan 16, 2009 at 9:02 AM

This one is very much in the gray area. As the adoptive mom, I would be furious. If you give the rights of your child away, I am not so sure that you have the right to post her picture up on a page and take the credit for all of the things you are missing. If the child was her pride and joy, she shouldn't have relinquished her rights. By relinquishing rights, she should let go. In the long run it is better for both the child and her.

RJSMOMMA

on Jan 16, 2009 at 9:20 AM

I am rasing an adopted child and if her birth mother wants pictures of her for her myspace, Im totally fine with that she can have pictures she can be proud of the was she turned out I have the child shes mine, and that fact will never change, but she is also hers and that fact will never change. yes she gave her up but she still gave her life and without her I wouldnt have OUR daughter.

May-20

on Jan 16, 2009 at 9:31 AM

I am an adopted child. It's confusing enough growing up knowing you're adopted (though I do think that the adoptive parents should be honest with the child). I think that the birth mother should not do anything to further any sense of confusion in the child. So, she should acquiese to the wishes of the adoptive parents, who are the legal parents of the child.

kk_bella

on Jan 16, 2009 at 9:41 AM

Meh...I think it's a trivial issue, really.

But, for the sake of debate, I don't think that anyone should post pictures of someone else's child whether that be their biological child or not- at least not without consent. The mother can be proud of the child she's given up for adoption, and still have pictures without posting them publicly.

SuprMom12042702

on Jan 16, 2009 at 9:43 AM

I think it depends on the birthmother actually. And please don't take what i am about to say seriously because its not about the actual birthmother that confessed on here, its just a what if situation.
If the birthmother has pictures of her birthchild posted all over her myspace/cafemom/facebook page and she is living in a fantasy world online that she is a wonderful mother... come look at what they did at the park last week, type fantasy then yes that would bother me, and I would be concerned for the birthmother because she would still be in the grieving process for her daughter, and I would be suggesting that she find some kind of help.
But if this birthmother is proudly displaying the daughter that she let another family adopt and that she is happy with the decision that she made, then good for her, for being a postive influence on adoption.

katandjohnmommy

on Jan 16, 2009 at 9:47 AM

I"m with May-20. Unless she has permission from the adoptivie parents. She choose to give her baby up. She is not apart of that childs live. I think she is trying to cause trouble. How is she even getting these pictures. From what I see I think she is stealing these pictures from the adoptive moms profile. Weather public or not. Unless she has permission she is stealing. This mom is trying to be sneaky. If she wanted pictures she should ask. If she wanted a profile dedicated to her child the way she is talking she should have kept her child.

But_Mommie

on Jan 16, 2009 at 10:04 AM

I think it really depends....The adoptive parents should get the final say. If it is an open adoption the the child should be referred to in the photo the same as in life. Close friend, niece...what ever was agreed upon.

erdavh

on Jan 16, 2009 at 10:09 AM

I think the adoptive parents who have the day-to-day responsibility of caring for the child should make the decision. Since the adoptive mother has publicly posted pictures of the child I don't think she can complain too much if the bmom does the same.

I have three children, one is adopted, and I don't post any pictures of my children on a public site - I'm just not comfortable with strangers having access to private pictures of my children.