Mom Confession: My Toddler Humps Everything in Sight When He's Tired

Sssshhhhh ... don't tell anyone ... but my four-year-old son is a mad humper. Seriously, he has Ron Jeremy-like stamina. I would be willing to bribe him with a freaking candy store to make him stop at this point. His horrifying habit makes me doubt the name I lovingly gave him at birth. Alexxx James sounds like a pornstar moniker to me now. What's a mom to do?

I am not exaggerating. He breaks into a sweat. His eyes roll back in his head at times. He goes at it on the couch, in his bed ... even the floor if he gets the urge. And my pediatrician says I need to ignore his mad humping so I don't ruin his sexuality forever. No pressure!

Best advice Doc gave me was to explain to my son that he needs to go in his room alone if he wants to pump away ... that it's something he has to to in private.

Um, okay. That was not worth the $20 co-pay.

Banishing my son to his bedroom didn't work, so I gave his self-love a little code name: "Moving your legs." I thought it was a brilliant compromise. It went well for awhile. I would ask Alexxx to stop "moving your legs" ... nothing inappropriate about calling attention to "moving your legs," right Doc? Until one day, Alexxx refused and gave me good reason.

"Mom, I don't want to stop moving my legs. It makes my penis feel good."

I have no idea what I did next. It's all a blur. I probably threw some candy his way -- the good stuff I have stashed away for emergencies. Yeah, really chewy candy, so the chomping would distract him from penis talk. I opened a bottle of wine that night. That I remember.

More from The Stir: Embarrassing Toddler Tales

I am the farthest thing from a prude. I gave my stepdaughter the sex talk and was not embarrassed one bit. But this ... boy, oh boy, I am at a loss. I take solace in the fact that my son only gets busy when he's exhausted, but feel powerless to stop the humping madness.

Do any of your kids have a humping habit? How do you deal with it?

Image via © Jamie Grill/Tetra Images/Corbis

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nonmember avatar lilmegs

My son is 10 and has done this since he was 2. We call it bouncing and he explains that it's his way to calm down before he falls asleep. He has his blanket that he "bounces" on and he only does it when he is going to sleep. There is nothing sexual about it to him. We've had the sex talk and he understands why people may think it's inappropriate. But to him, it's just his way to settle in for the night. We don't draw attention to it or try to keep him from doing it. Hopefully one day he'll grow out of it.

Snapp... SnappleQueen

Perfectly normal behavior. Encouraging him to do it in private is truly the best thing to do. 

the4m... the4mutts

I would personally just keep pushing the issue that he needs to do it in his room only. And you will not damage his sexuality if you STERNLY tell him "I DO NOT WANT TO SEE THAT, IT IS RUDE TO DO THAT IN FRONT OF OTHER PEOPLE"

I have a daughter that did it, and I did as well. My grandmother, told me, and I told my girl to keep it to yourself. I told her it's perfectly normal to want to do that, but it makes me uncomfortable to see it. Making people uncomfortable is rude. Do it in your room.

Hell, pick him up and put him in his room if you have to.

Teaching him that is no different than teaching him not to show his penis to random people. It's personal, and should stay that way.

nonmember avatar wtf wonder no individual blogger wanted to put her name to this.Get a life with this stuff...losers.SMDH

nonmember avatar ATF

Fascination with their bits is normal, but if you don't teach him not to be an exhibitionist he will eventually get locked up. Quite frankly, you've already dealt him a terrible hand by naming him Alex with xxx. Were you trying to create a porn star? I'm not saying punishment for him is appropriate, but he has to understand that masturbation while normal is something you do alone, outside the presence of others.

Bloom... Bloomie79

Lol ATF you really let that joke go right over your head. Totally normal for a child and privacy is the only answer.

TheSi... TheSilence

I would tell my child to do that in his room. I don't care if it feels good, do it in your room. There is a time and place for everything and in the middle of the family living room while everyone is around is neither the time nor the place.

NatAndCo NatAndCo

My boys don't hump things but they do rub their nipples as they drink their bottles. Doesn't matter where we are. If they have a bottle they lift up their shirts and rub/pinch them.

nonmember avatar FarmersWife

He's old enough to understand. Tell him before he's tired, that you've handled asking him to stop "moving his legs" wrong, that he can do it all he wants in private. Like his own bedroom or the bathroom, but that he is no longer allowed to do it in the rest of the house. After than simple talk, there is no discussion or bribery, stop or go do it somewhere else. And remember to reassure him your not mad, and he's not doing anything wrong other than choosing the wrong location.

Autum... Autumnleaves87

I'm actually glad I read this because I haven't experienced this with my kids (yet!!) lol and I wouldn't have any idea what to do if/when I do!!! Haha Glad I know how to react.. "Room!"!!!!

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