The other day, I went to get a pen from my bag and instead pulled out 1) a lollipop from the bank from a month ago, 2) three rainbow loom bracelets, 3) my son's broken glasses, 4) a rogue soccer sock, and 5) three broken crayons.
I'm such a mother, I thought, rolling my eyes at myself.
I asked my Facebook friends when the last time they had that thought was, and I could relate to every single answer. Here, 20 ways you know you're a mother.
1. You don't want to go to bed once the kids go to sleep because it's the only time it's been quiet all day.
2. You put a towel over the pee spot on the bed because it's 3 a.m. and you're too exhausted to worry about changing the sheets.
3. Your 3-year-old asks where you're going just because you put jeans on.
4. You're excited about sleeping in on Sunday ... and "sleeping in" means 8 a.m.
5. You're driving in the car and singing along to the kids' CD only to realize three songs later that the kid's not in the car and you could have been listening to real music.
6. Shitting, showering, and shaving before noon feels like you won the freaking lottery.
7. You wipe a snotty nose on the inside of the bottom of your shirt without a single qualm!
8. You wear the same yoga pants and T-shirt to bed that you wore all day and yesterday too.
9. Walking out the door, your children are dressed and look like they could be in a magazine ... but you are a hot mess and realize you never brushed your own hair or did your makeup.
10. When you see something brown on the floor and you have to sniff it because you don't know if it's chocolate or poop.
11. When someone says their stomach hurts (even if they're not your kid) and you ask them did they poop today.
12. Weird things come out of your mouth, like "Don't lick the couch" and "Your sister doesn't want to eat the penguin."
13. You realize you haven't looked at yourself in the mirror in three days and you have no idea what you look like and are afraid to find out.
14. A peaceful vacation is going to the supermarket ALONE.
15. Any child in a store yells mommy and you turn and look.
16. You have to empty the bath of toys before you can get in it.
17. You get mad and just go through every kid's name until you finally get to the name you meant to yell.
18. You spend $200 at Kohl's, and not a single item is for you.
19. A quiet house feels wrong!
20. You have to finish watching Doc McStuffins after your toddler goes to bed, just to see what happens.
Who were we before these kids, again?
When's the last time you knew you were a mother?
Image via Scary Mommy
Pens, pencils, markers, etc.