I'm Raising My Toddler to be a Criminal

I recently realized that I'm leading my three-year-old daughter, both directly and through observation, into a life of crime.

I'd prefer not to, of course. However, some lessons are too hard to avoid teaching when you're trying to get through life one day at a time.

Then again, maybe a criminal future isn't so bad. At least she'll be earning more than me, making her own hours and avoiding occupational boredom.

Here are the top 10 illegal lessons I've taught her…


1. If we're pulled over for speeding, then she's sick and needs to get to the hospital.

2. To stand on her tippy-toes whenever measured for the roller-coaster (which Daddy occasionally needs to do, too).

3. Going back 20 times for Costco samples is necessary to judge whether you like something enough to buy it.

4. When dining at Sweet Tomatoes, a buffet restaurant where kids under 3 eat free, she is still 2 years old.

5. Crossing where there is no crosswalk is fine if there are no cars coming.

6. Trader Joe's bananas are free if you finish them before checking out.

7. Walking the dog without a pooper-scooper is okay after dark.

8. Watering your lawn on restricted watering days is okay after dark.

9. Checking which of the guys standing outside Home Depot is a legal immigrant is the most efficient way of ensuring you can put off your renovation project.

10. (This entry is self-censored on the off chance that, one day, I get asked on a job interview again.)

What are some of the criminal things your child learns from you?

Image via Corey Levitan

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