What Really Happens When the Husband & Kids Leave Mom for a Week

Audrey BinkowskiSo, I still don’t fully understand the turn of events that caused this to occur, but somehow, it was decided spur-of-the-moment that my husband would drive our children to Michigan to visit their grandparents, and they would ALL STAY FOR A WEEK. In a different state. Where I am not. Like, all of them.

Which left me … unsupervised.

Which seemed like it should be TOTALLY AWESOME PARTY TIME. I’ve never been unsupervised for a week before ever. In my whole entire life. 

My college roommate once went to Florida for a few days and left me home alone, but even then our friend Gene came over and we drank a quart jug very small bottle of my grandpa’s homemade wine which was basically paint thinner and got so shit-faced that we told each other all of the horrible secrets we had promised our other mutual friends we would never tell anyone, and now I know all of the secrets (I’m looking at you Lyle Garber).

Anyway. Unsupervised. For a week. A whole week to do all of the totally awesome stuff I’ve always wanted to do but have been held back by my family because I had to do stuff like feed them and drive them to school. Stuff like skydiving. And seeing Broadway shows. And writing a novel in Paris cafes. Awesome stuff.

So far, I’ve eaten a dinner of Frosted Flakes and a second dinner of popcorn and Lambrusco, straight from the bottle. All in my bed. I’m caught up on True Blood, but need to watch some Weeds before I can dive into the really trashy reality shows. I’ve been in pajamas since I got home from work and I should probably change them because I used them as a napkin for the popcorn butter and now they have yellow handprints all over but I probably won’t because, meh. And a bra? Suddenly totally optional. Have I mentioned I’ve been home alone for not quite five hours now? And I’m already narrating my every move aloud? “And now I’m getting more wine from the fridge. Oh look, we have mozzarella cheese. God damn pantry moth. Smack. Haha, now you’re dead. I wonder if we have Pop Tarts. Pop Tarts are good.”

For some reason (I’m drunk) I thought it would be a great idea to chronicle my complete loss of social skillstime without my family in daily photos. So we can all see my descent into madness which shouldn’t take more than three days it seems like a good idea to get some cats, maybe five or six, can you breed cats? because breeding cats seems like an awesome idea. cats eat Pop Tarts, right? all of the awesome stuff I’m doing as I take advantage of this time to pursue my own interests.

So, here I am. Day 1. Almost five hours alone.

What would YOU do on a whole week without the kids?

 

About the Author: Audrey Binkowski is the smart-ass mother of three boys who blogs at Laugh Mom. She could drink you under the table if she doesn't fall asleep first. Follow her on Twitter, @LaughMom or on Facebook.

 

Image via Audrey Binkowski


a mom's life

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Em Chappell-Root

SLEEP, OMG, I'd sleep for three days, clean the house top to bottom on the fourth day, then sleep the next three days. Maybe I'd drive to the beach and sleep there (I totally understand how Ashley Judd's character felt in Ya Ya Sisterhood, in the hotel at the beach. Only that part though.) Seriously. My husband works third shift, he wants me to stay up until he leaves for work or else he wakes me up to see him out and lock up behind him, and I have to be up at 530 or 6 to tend the kids. They all come into my room during the night, and I have to kick the older kids out. The baby co sleeps but he's a sweetheart. I'd totally sleep given a week of free time/me time. 

Bonneata Bonneata

Give our home a make over. One of our obstacles is what to do with our son.

Bonneata Bonneata

That is after sleep past 8 am, get my hair done and enjoy a plate of food all to myself.


 

kjbug... kjbugsmom1517

Hahaha omg. I'd sleep too....for at least the first couple/few days..... and getting dressed would totally be optional as well as taking a bath/shower..... I might start to go a little stir crazy by day 4 but.... I'd still be lazy lol...... I'd be totally freaking lazy.....and order Chinese delivered a lot.

the4m... the4mutts

I would spend HOURS at the gym. Not just my usual 1hr because Im afraid that my 4yr old will throw a bitch fit if he's in the kid's care any longer than that.

HOURS. Maybe more than once a day. Then I would sleep. I wouldn't shower after the gym. I would clean the house, top to bottom, on one of the days. I would have lunch at a restaurant alone. I would get bombed with my neighbor and stumble across my front yard and back in my front door at 2am.

And precious, precious sleep.

Kelly Foster

I would sleep at least 12 hrs every night and watch Netflix all day.

Curio... Curious11

Sleep and read for days, on a beach or lake somewhere... then spend the last 2 days doing something awesome to the house so my hubby would want to take the kids for a week the next year, too.

LadyH... LadyHutch0824

Sleep. Sleep some more, then maybe masturbate....haven't done that in a LOOOOONG time. I'd shower all by myself, maybe even with the bathroom door open, since no one would "MOM" or "HONEY" me while I am rinsing the soap out of my hair. I'd completely forgo the bra. Eat cookies in the open, rather than sneaking them from my hiding place in the middle of the night. I'd watch cooking show after cooking show...maybe even an entire few seasons of master chef. I'd read. And read some more. Books that are not about puppies or poop. Books that are not required 8th or 10th grade reading. Books I would actually enjoy.


Forget cleaning the house, I do enough of that, and since I am the only person in my house who cleans up after themselves, it would be in the same condition as when they left.


I might sneak in a night at the bar alone, but likely just get drunk at home by myself on Mike's black cherry hard lemonade. I'd sit in the quiet for a few hours, just being quiet. 


 


I might go get my nails done by myself without my teenage daughter requiring I take her so she can have the most expensive manicure possible only to pick it off her nails 6 hours later.


 


Then I would probably shower and masturbate again.


 


I'd also probably facetime them about 60 times a day.

lustfull lustfull

i live at home with my parents,im 22 aqnd my daughter is 2

i work late shift 10am-6am and my dad coaches little league soccer and my mom goes tot the games..so they take my daughter to the game and then out with them after.

i kid you not i caught myself sleeping till 3pm,ive taing myself to lunch without a screaming toddler, played online and ate whatever i wanted
i managed to even get the kitchen clean in a half hour instead of the two it usually takes

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