Top 10 Reasons I'm Glad My Child Is a Girl

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I always said I wanted a girl. My wife thought I secretly wanted a boy to continue my legacy, and that I said this only to cover my ass.

Um ... my legacy of what? Unemployment because I was stupid enough to choose what I love doing for a career? Relationship strife because I'm selfish and don't listen? I'm so elated and proud to have sired a member of the better sex, and here are my Top 10 reasons why ...

  1. Girls are smarter and mellower. They don't dart out into traffic through open front doors, climb on kitchen cabinets and, later, blow shit up and dedicate the rest of their lives to getting laid.
  2. Better listening and social skills. While male brains stress perception and action -- forming connections mostly across the front and rear of the left (logical) side -- female brains are more connected across the left and right (intuitive) sides. This goes a long way toward explaining the mess that male rulers have made of this world.
  3. The giving birth thing.
  4. Crying in public without being considered a mental patient. Society doesn't program girls to hide emotions at all costs. But girls also have the freedom to act masculine, to choose aggression over vulnerability or a dress shirt instead of a dress.
  5. My daughter can become a powerful professional. It may be more difficult (hopefully less so by the time she grows up) but the flip side is that she'll have more of a choice about whether to have a career. (If she ends up a housewife, like her dad, she will probably feel better about doing it than I do.)
  6. No circumcision question. I am against any invasive, involuntary cosmetic surgery. And this stance would have alienated me from my wife and my Jewish family.
  7. She can volunteer if she wants, but my daughter is not likely to be drafted into military service against her (and my) will due to the poor decisions of world leaders who are men.
  8. No kicked-in-the-balls pain. This nearly ruined sixth grade for me, Jon Farber, and our other moron friends.
  9. Whatever sex our kid was going to be, 5-foot-4 was its predetermined height. I am 5-foot-5, despite what my driver's license claims. My wife is 5-foot-3 and neither of our families sport any mutant tall people. Having experienced the joy that is being six inches shorter than your middle-school homeroom as a male, I didn't want another human subjected to it simply because of my decision to procreate.
  10. Sex whenever she wants -- and is old enough. (Like, say, in her early 30s.)

What makes you happy or unhappy about your child's gender?


Image via Corey Levitan

confessions, girls