Why I'm Afraid of My Daughter's Vagina

LOL 83

My daughter’s vagina terrifies me.

She’s 2 and not very intimidating generally, but her vagina is like a 50-megaton WMD -- Weapon of Male Discomfort.

The problem starts with the very phrase my daughter's vagina. Find a man in this country who is comfortable saying or even thinking those words and I'll show you a foreigner struggling with English as a second language or Louis C.K. working out new material.

Because I’m a “modern” dad, I uncomplainingly do my share of nether-region maintenance for both my children. But being valet to the Vajayjay Jr. on a daily basis means, inescapably, that I have to sometimes consider its future. Specifically its sexual future. When it will inevitably be ... exercised. With some ... man. Or woman. Or Robin Thicke at the VMAs. Or ...

GOOD GOD CAN WE STOP TALKING ABOUT THIS ALREADY?!

I will confess a good amount of my fidgetiness is guilt-based. To a man, a daughter’s vagina can seem like a whopping serving of poetic justice. “For crimes against the female genitalia, real and imagined, you are hereby sentenced to spend 2 to 5 years caring for this miniature version. Court adjourned.”

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It makes me wish sometimes I lived in a different era. Remember that scene last season in Downton Abbey where the goodly doctor refers to Grantham’s daughter’s urine in front of the Dowager Countess and Grantham looks like someone just proposed they all smoke crystal meth and play strip cribbage? Daughters didn't even have vaginas in those days. Below the waist it was all just crinoline bustles and “Pardon me, wasn’t that the dinner gong?”

Then again, Grantham’s daughter died in part because of that whole attitude, so never mind.

It’s ok. I can bear this cross. Because I’d do anything for my little girl. Well, almost anything.

There was that time my daughter demanded someone blow on her bare business to relieve some God-knows-what kind of imagined toddler ailment.

My response to that one was, “Honey! Our daughter needs you!”

 

Image via gorgeoux/Flickr

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nonmember avatar Octoberbird

Dafuq did I just read...

the4m... the4mutts

Jesus I wish they would stop getting moronic men to write here.

If you INSIST on having a male presence on a mom site, then please get one that's mature, well rounded, (unlike this guy) and not some narssistic masogynist like that last one was.

nonmember avatar FarmersWife

I'm very confused. wtf sort of "care" do you think is necessary and why on earth do you need go think of your daughters vagina being "exercised" or of her sexual future? The care should simply be wiping the outside. Nothing intimate or uncomfortable for either of your. I hope this was ment to be a tongue in cheek silly rant but this content is concerning to me. Does not sound like a healthy relationship.

nonmember avatar KellyB

Hahaha. I personally found that hilarious. Maybe because I have 2 girls and my husband refusing to change diapers because you have to wipe in the crevices.

Jespren Jespren

I think I'll have to save my feeling on this article until I run it past my husband, because I honestly can't decide if I agree with the above or find this a hilariously honest glimpse into the male psyche.

nonmember avatar Guest

Very honest article- many men feel ill at ease concerning their daughter's vagina. Obviously he steps up and does diaper duty, so he's clearly not some masogynist who leaves all "baby issues" to his wife. His point is valid, and he appears to be an honest, good dad. And his point of view is better than some mama bear/ I'll-prove-I-love-my-kids-by-talking-violence-against-others bs that I've read on this site.

Evaly... EvalynCarnate

Oh come on, ladies. This was hilarious. Moms are allowed to get neurotic about things all the time, but dads arent? As a recent mother to a baby boy, I can relate to being ill at ease to caring for genitals of the opposite sex. 

Kate Cooley

By-the-by, it's not her vagina you're dealing with - it's her labia majora and minora and her urethra. (Hopefully also her tushy) - the vagina's the inside-y part you shouldn't really have anything to do with. Anatomy, people. It's a thing.

danie... danielleapril

I think the cdc needs to start looking at the huge rise in miserable bitch syndrome. Idk if its genetic or.envoromental, but its most certainly a major issue. The article is titled with "lol"....that means humor is involved.

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