20 Confessions That Show the Dark Side of Motherhood

LOL 34

Last night, as I often do when I should be doing something else, I got sucked into my Scary Mommy Confessional. It's been a while since I've shared confessions, so here are some of my favorite recent ones. Can you relate to any? I certainly can ...

1. My kids are getting on my nerves so badly that I wish I could open my closet and escape to Narnia.

2. Some days, the greatest sign of my love for my family is that I refrain from strangling them.

3. I bought my 9-month-old a pair of yoga pants. Apparently neither one of us plans on ever joining polite society again.

4. I eat ice cream out of coffee mugs so that the kids won't notice and I won't have to share.

5. Saw a loaf of bread sold at nearly $6 today, and I suddenly felt really really inspired to learn how to bake my own bread at home. And then I laughed and laughed and laughed like a crazy woman, right there in the bread aisle.

6. My 1-year-old was licking something sticky off the floor. Instead of stopping her, I let her continue because lunch wasn't quite finished and it was keeping her occupied.

7. Why, yes, I did just cuss at my 6-month-old, but he started it by getting up at 4 a.m. for the morning.

8. My son likes to show his toys to his penis. I think it's his best friend. I found myself thinking this morning, "I wish I had that kind of relationship with my vagina." I think I need a hobby.

9. I think I got carpal tunnel from Candy Crush.

10. I pretend to feel bad when my toddler prefers daddy. But secretly, I'm relieved. I like the break.

11. Currently covered in pee. About to give myself a baby wipe bath. Oh the joys of motherhood.

12. My kids all sleep in their underwear because no pajamas means that much less laundry for me to wash and fold.

13. I knew I needed a break when my 2-year-old son threw an empty 5-gallon water jug at me and I could so easily envision myself picking up the jug and chucking it back at him as hard as I could!

14. Inspector Gadget would be super impressed with how far my boobs stretch. If only I could use them to fight crime.

15. I mentally tell my 13-year-old to go fuck herself at least 20 times a day.

16. To hell with tea or coffee, I can't start the day without my vibrator.

17. I can ruin an entire week of exercising and eating well with one day of PMS and access to chocolate.

18. Nothing makes me happier than a $4 bottle of Pinot Grigio.

19. I sucked breast milk from my own nipple. Just wanted to see what all the fuss was about.

20. The dog pees to mark and claim his territory. I use Cajun spices and hot sauce to mark and claim mine.

Got a confession of your own?

a mom's life


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k18 k18

Hahahaha glad to know like minds are out there :)

Laine... Lainey0468

OH that made my day!!!!  I don't miss those days at all!  Good luck :)

Andi Dodd

I particularly enjoyed #15... my 5 year old is already quite the diva, I'm pretty certain by the time she's 13 I'll be doing the same.

insei... inseineangel

Ha! Those had me cracking up! The breast milk one... I think that made me laugh the hardest.

NatAndCo NatAndCo

I had a nice bit of hysterical laughter to 6 & 8. 6 because I'm pretty sure I've done that. And 8 because we wanted to let my boys run around in my aunts backyard without their diapers on and all they did was stand there hunched over and played with their penises.

LadyM... LadyMinni

One of the reasons I don't post pictures of my family online is because I hate some of my relatives and don't want them to get to see the kids.

Also, the covered-in-pee babywipe bath.... I've done that twice. I don't know if my son has no aim or great aim.

MrsRo... MrsRoberts413

Omg some of these are pretty hilarious!!!  The ice cream one is genius!

adrin... adriness666

Lol I thought I was the only one who did 6

jalaz77 jalaz77

#13, EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Every single effing day, my almost 3 yr old is an asshole (I love him so damn much, really), the kid is so stubborn, doesn't listen, no is his answer to everything, throws things while looking right at you, potty training...don't get me started. He is #3/4 kids and has been the WORST toddler yet, I hope this last one is decent. We have our work cut out with him.

jalaz77 jalaz77

Oh yea, this list is hilarious and I do many of these things besides 13!

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