7 Funny Lies Parents Tell About Santa to Get Kids to Believe

Mom Moment 11

SantaWe have an Elf on the Shelf, one of the slightly effeminate original doll-like versions, rather than the plush version I see everywhere these days. My kids are devoted to "Relf," and run around every December morning like maniacs to see where he's relocated to. While remembering to move Relf each night is pretty much a giant pain in my ass, the awesome thing is that my kids completely and totally buy the Shelf Elf Lore -- that every night he flies home to the North Pole in order to report their behavior to Santa.

Relf is a hell of a bargaining chip, is what I'm saying, as is Santa himself, obviously. My kids have never really questioned Relf's abilities, but the standard explanation in our household is "he's magic." Which, okay, isn't all that creative.

In the spirit of deliberately deceiving your children, here are some of the funniest lies I've heard of parents telling their suspicious kids about Santa and his helpers during the holidays:

Santa is in cahoots with the NSA. How does he track every single kid in order to properly categorize them on the Naughty or Nice list? Through a little help from the National Security Agency, of course. You think that thing up there is a traffic camera? That's cute, honey.

Santa has many clones. Yes, it's a little hard to understand how Santa can visit every single child's house on Christmas Eve, unless you read up on the scientific creation of genetically identical individuals. This also covers Mall Santas, by the way.

Santa uses nanotechnology. Magical reindeer dust ... or a cloud of highly sophisticated microscopic robots that can build toys on the fly?

Santa has supply chain challenges, just like any other manufacturer. This is the first year my 7-year-old asked why it even mattered what a particular toy (in this case, a $90 Lego set) cost so much. "Can't Santa just make whatever he wants?" That's when you hammer them with a lengthy explanation -- maybe use a PowerPoint chart or two -- about resources, materials, components, lead times, logistics, sourcing, and channel partners, until they back away slowly, their small hands raised. "Uh, never mind, Mom."

Santa has a GPS-enabled sleigh. Just like most modern vehicles, Santa's sleigh has a satellite view and turn-by-turn directions.

Santa's reindeer are an as-yet-unidentified species. Listen, just because you haven't seen a flying reindeer doesn't mean they don't exist. In fact, a recent study estimates that of the almost 8.8 million species of life on Earth, we've only discovered about a quarter of them. Plenty of room for Dasher, Blitzen, Prancer, and ... um ... Jinxen.

Santa is flexible. No chimney? No problem: that whole laying-a-finger-aside-of-his-nose action creates a portal into any house or room he wants entry to, whenever he wants. Now, off to bed, sweetie! Don't forget, he sees you when you're sleeping.

What not-so-completely-true things have you told your kids about Santa?

Image via USACE/Flickr

activities, christmas


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JannaM8 JannaM8

Wow. Do you really think you can't have the magic of Christmas and the fun of Santa without lying to your kids and bribing them to make them behave?

Rhond... RhondaVeggie

I told him that Santa is just a game that some families play. He has no idea that some kids actually think he's real. I figure it's only a slight bend in the truth and it means he doesn't set them straight and I avoid calls from psycho parents.

tuffy... tuffymama

We're not pushing the Santa myth. We will do stockings, though. LO will connect the dots sooner rather than later, but DH wants him to enjoy the "childlike suspension of disbelief." Whatever that is. I got wise by four, so yeah.

hanna... hannahsmom238

I always liked Krampus. Santa's assistant in Germany. He's a goat-like monster who beats the bad kids and carries the really bad children off in his giant sack to eat. Hannah insists he's not not real.

Rosas... RosasMummy

I believed in Santa for a long time I must have been nearing high school when I said to my mum 'please tell me is he real?' and she hesitated and I knew and I was devastated, the years of magic beforehand was worth it. Just because the magic has to disappear eventually doesn't mean u cant make it real for a long time

marie... mariesmama

i like how every family does it different  my dds cousins told me tonight elves report bad behavior to santa i was told growing up that was rudolfs job

Hilary MacNeal

I believed in Santa until I was 9 or so and, somehow, i came out of the whole ordeal in one piece.  I wasn't angry with my parents when I figured it out ( I saw something in my brothers stocking that I'd seen my mom buy). I don't have trust issues. Shockingly, I'm fully capable of telling the difference between real life and fairy tales.  My parents never used Santa to manipulate or bribe me. It was a fun part of our Christmas tradition, and I look forward to teaching my son about Santa.

Honestly, I think that all of the "I can't believe that you perpetuate a lie in order to control your children" comments are another way for moms to feel superior over other moms. If it doesn't work for you & your family, fine. But trying to make other parents feel like their harming their children with the myth of Santa? Kind of a stretch.

jalaz77 jalaz77

I agree Hilary!!! If those parents come down on me I ask if they read fairy take books cause its a lie?! I believed in Santa so much I really thought I saw him in our house, haha. I do not remember when I was told he isn't real so guess what? Just fine, not crushed or heartbroken. My dd knows the mall Santas are there to help Santa and are not real cause the real one is in the North Pole. It's really cute.

Tay06 Tay06

I told my son santa comes xmas eve night and leaves him presents... that's it.  He's two so he was like "presents for me?  Kay, Mom!  Cool!"

coppe... copperswifey

LOL I like those. I haven't really told my kids anything about santa except that he comes and delivers presents :)

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