2 Popular Children's Books Every Mom Should Toss Out Now

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sh*tty mom book cover

An excerpt from the very funny book Sh*tty Mom: The Parenting Guide for the Rest of Us by Laurie Kilmartin, Karen Moline, Alicia Ybarbo & Mary Ann Zoellner. Reprinted with permission by Abrams Image.

Worst Children’s Book: The Giving Tree vs. Love You Forever

Any mom who follows the parenting model of the protagonist in Shel Silverstein’s The Giving Tree is creating a monster. An entitled asshole who will expect the women in his life to allow themselves to be dismembered in the pursuit of his temporary happiness.

Mothers of sons: Remember, you are raising our daughters’ boyfriends and husbands. Please don’t let our girls hook up with a jerk who thinks he’s special because he does the dishes once a month. Put down The Giving Tree and pick up Curious George. If our daughters must get knocked up, let it be by a gentle animal lover who has a good job.

Mothers of daughters: Protest at any bookstore that sells this douchebag manifesto. Demand that it come with a warning label: “Reading this book may cause your son to expect someone else to fold his laundry for the rest of his single life.”

As bad as The Giving Tree is, it’s a thousand times better than Robert Munsch’s Love You Forever, a most deceptive chil­dren’s book. The cover looks harmless enough: a 2-year-old, raising hell in the bathroom. It starts fine, with Mother sing­ing a sweet lullaby to her baby about loving him forever. Yup, done that. Now we witness the passage of time. Two pages later, Mother crawls into her young son’s bedroom and spies on him as he sleeps. Aside from the crawling, she is still in normal territory.

This continues as the boy turns 9. The reader is beginning to feel slightly uncomfortable. How long can Mother keep this up?

No need to wonder. Turn the page. Guess who just snuck into her teenage son’s bedroom for a late-night cuddle? Quick, call the police! A horrible Oedipal relationship is in the making. Everyone knows that when teenage boys go to bed, they don’t sleep. They masturbate. Relentlessly, all night long, until their fingers break off. Then they switch hands. Then they use their feet. Even zoo monkeys are appalled. Any mother who sneaks up on her teenage son when he thinks he is alone in the dark is going to be hit by cross fire.

(Tip: Stay out of your teenage son’s room until he goes to col­lege. Then enter it with a power washer and safety goggles.)

Oh, the story’s not over. Instead of just embracing the empty nest, Mother takes to stalking her son and his new family. (The son’s wife, meanwhile, is nowhere to be found. He probably stabbed her to death, as he screamed over and over again, “Leave me alone, Mother!”) On the last page, Mother is presumed dead, and the son sings to his own baby.

Despite the insanity, you will be sobbing. Love You Forever reminds you that children get old, and so do their parents—but not before every possible emotional boundary is crossed.

Thanks, book! Let’s see ... It’s Tuesday night, you had a long day at work, and you got home late. You had a total of 45 minutes with your kid tonight, and the last five of it was a grim warning that everyone you love will die.

You won’t sleep tonight, and it won’t be because you’re masturbating.

Remember: Nobody dies in Goodnight Moon.

Image via Sh*tty Mom

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the4m... the4mutts

Love you forever is a fantastic book! You're really being ridiculious over these 2 books. That one in particular, though, has been a much loved book in my home since I was a small child.

Idk if this was supposed to be funny, or what, but its not.

That book gives children the knowledge that mommy is there for you whenever, wherever, and shows that you will appreciate it when you're older.

Children do not think in the way you're letting on. If you've raised a child that reads these books and thinks to themselves "hey, I could really be a selfish asshole, and it'd be fine!" Or "god my mom is such a creeper for wanting to be there for me, I should cut her out of my life", then frankly, you're raising some little shit heads and you need to be smacked.

I have nothing even halfway decent left to say to y'all about your crazy over-analyzations of kids stories.

nonmember avatar kay

This is funny. We have a 7mo old son and I keep saying that I refuse to send an idiot out in the world. He's going to know how to cook for himself and clean up after himself before he leaves our home! Everytime I have to come home and cook dinner while my husband wanders around looking like a wounded puppy, I shake my head at him AND his parents. On the flipside, my husband just taught my daughter (6yrs) and niece (24yrs) how to change a tire. It goes both ways...

abra819 abra819

The Giving Tree and Love you Forever, both fantastic books. I was read both as a child, and I assure you, I am not screwed up :)

BubbsJNL BubbsJNL

I love this!!  BOTH of those books creep me out no end!!

nonmember avatar Tonya

Wow. A couple of you could use a sense of humor.

abbys... abbysmomma2010

Seriously people. I'm pretty sure this was written in jest. Calm yourselves down and lighten up. It will do wonders.

Flori... Floridamom96

Yes. We should totally be raising our boys to be girls. I hope my sons never meet any girls like you.

AniAngel AniAngel

My goodness it's an excerpt from a humorous guide to parenting. If it is not your type of humor just move along, bashing someone because you don't like their joke is just sad.

Nuagent Nuagent

This is by far the funniest thing I have ever read on this website. Thank you!

Water... Water_geM

Watch sassy gay friend giveing tree on youtube

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