Motherhood. It's the experience that bonds us all together, in projectile vomit and muddy footprints on freshly cleaned floors. I dare you not to relate to at least one of the below from my Confessional. (Maybe all 10?)
I double dare you to leave your own confession. I'm pretty sure we'll be able to relate.
1. Every dish in my house is cleaned and put away. EVERY. ALL of the clothes are washed and put away except what we're wearing. All. It's nudity and dry toast on paper plates tonight, fuckers.
2. I used to read fun magazine articles about sex positions and orgasms. I just realized I was just reading an article about shopping for the perfect watermelon. My, my, how times have changed.
3. DH came close to getting paint on me. I yelled, "Be careful, these are my good pants!" They are black yoga pants from Walmart. Sadly, the statement is still true.
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4. I invited you into my home as a guest. And you brought my 2-year-old permanent markers and Play Doh. Next time I visit you, I'm bringing your teenage daughter condoms and crack.
5. Whenever my husband acts like an ass, I change his ringback tone to "I'm sexy and I know it." He has no idea how to change it himself and has to wait for me to do it for him.
6. Tonight, I walked in on my daughter in my bedroom singing “Summer Nights” at the top of her lungs. The only problem? She was using my vibrator as a microphone.
7. I have started to use my naked body as a weapon so I can have some privacy. I announce I will be naked in my room, actually BUTT Naked, and they stay FAR away.
8. I spent half the day with a "You Went Potty!!!!" sticker in my hair and no one bothered to tell me.
9. I arranged a bulk pickup for a broken table as the kids screamed and bickered in the background. As I hung up, the rep asked if I wanted them picked up as well. I actually considered it.
10. I punish my kids by making them clean the toilets. I secretly love it when they misbehave.
Image via Scary Mommy