Motherhood. It's the experience that bonds us all together, in projectile vomit and muddy footprints on freshly cleaned floors. I dare you not to relate to at least one of the below from my Confessional. (Maybe all 10?)
I double dare you to leave your own confession. I'm pretty sure we'll be able to relate.
1. Every dish in my house is cleaned and put away. EVERY. ALL of the clothes are washed and put away except what we're wearing. All. It's nudity and dry toast on paper plates tonight, fuckers.
2. I used to read fun magazine articles about sex positions and orgasms. I just realized I was just reading an article about shopping for the perfect watermelon. My, my, how times have changed.
3. DH came close to getting paint on me. I yelled, "Be careful, these are my good pants!" They are black yoga pants from Walmart. Sadly, the statement is still true.
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4. I invited you into my home as a guest. And you brought my 2-year-old permanent markers and Play Doh. Next time I visit you, I'm bringing your teenage daughter condoms and crack.
5. Whenever my husband acts like an ass, I change his ringback tone to "I'm sexy and I know it." He has no idea how to change it himself and has to wait for me to do it for him.
6. Tonight, I walked in on my daughter in my bedroom singing “Summer Nights” at the top of her lungs. The only problem? She was using my vibrator as a microphone.
7. I have started to use my naked body as a weapon so I can have some privacy. I announce I will be naked in my room, actually BUTT Naked, and they stay FAR away.
8. I spent half the day with a "You Went Potty!!!!" sticker in my hair and no one bothered to tell me.
9. I arranged a bulk pickup for a broken table as the kids screamed and bickered in the background. As I hung up, the rep asked if I wanted them picked up as well. I actually considered it.
10. I punish my kids by making them clean the toilets. I secretly love it when they misbehave.
Image via Scary Mommy
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Comments 60
I know my parents are getting even with me. THEY are the ones giving my kids this kindda crap. That and the toys with a gazzilion pieces (light bright) that they have to know my son could never keep track of. I was secretly thrilled when my daughter had a potty training accident while using it as a stepstool. I HAD to
throw out. She peed in it.
#6
That's why I lock mine up.
#7
Really? My kids still watch me pee, and ask for hugs while I'm sitting on the toilet.
#9
The rep wouldn't have needed to ask. I would've suggested it.
You have to wait until your kids know the ins and out of embarrassment I think, before they care.
So I've totaly gotten even. I baked all kinds of empty carb pastries, and not only fed them to the kids before he picked them up, but sent some with them, promissing daddy would let them have more after dinner.
I only had to do it twice. He got the hint.
Not the healthiest thing for my kids, I know. Bad mommy. But hey, it worked. Now he feeds them junk only once a week, before 6pm
LMFAO