10 Confessions That Sum Up Motherhood

Being a Mom 65

Motherhood. It's the experience that bonds us all together, in projectile vomit and muddy footprints on freshly cleaned floors. I dare you not to relate to at least one of the below from my Confessional. (Maybe all 10?)

I double dare you to leave your own confession. I'm pretty sure we'll be able to relate.

1. Every dish in my house is cleaned and put away. EVERY. ALL of the clothes are washed and put away except what we're wearing. All. It's nudity and dry toast on paper plates tonight, fuckers.

2. I used to read fun magazine articles about sex positions and orgasms. I just realized I was just reading an article about shopping for the perfect watermelon. My, my, how times have changed.

3. DH came close to getting paint on me. I yelled, "Be careful, these are my good pants!" They are black yoga pants from Walmart. Sadly, the statement is still true.

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4. I invited you into my home as a guest. And you brought my 2-year-old permanent markers and Play Doh. Next time I visit you, I'm bringing your teenage daughter condoms and crack.

5. Whenever my husband acts like an ass, I change his ringback tone to "I'm sexy and I know it." He has no idea how to change it himself and has to wait for me to do it for him. 

6. Tonight, I walked in on my daughter in my bedroom singing “Summer Nights” at the top of her lungs. The only problem? She was using my vibrator as a microphone.

7. I have started to use my naked body as a weapon so I can have some privacy. I announce I will be naked in my room, actually BUTT Naked, and they stay FAR away.

8. I spent half the day with a "You Went Potty!!!!" sticker in my hair and no one bothered to tell me.

9. I arranged a bulk pickup for a broken table as the kids screamed and bickered in the background. As I hung up, the rep asked if I wanted them picked up as well. I actually considered it.

10. I punish my kids by making them clean the toilets. I secretly love it when they misbehave.

 

Image via Scary Mommy

a mom's life, confessions

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work4... work4mickey

#4

I know my parents are getting even with me. THEY are the ones giving my kids this kindda crap. That and the toys with a gazzilion pieces (light bright) that they have to know my son could never keep track of. I was secretly thrilled when my daughter had a potty training accident while using it as a stepstool. I HAD to

throw out. She peed in it.

#6

That's why I lock mine up.

#7

Really? My kids still watch me pee, and ask for hugs while I'm sitting on the toilet.

#9

The rep wouldn't have needed to ask. I would've suggested it.



kjbug... kjbugsmom1517

Roflmoa omg these r sooooo freaking funny! And def relatable.

nonmember avatar melissa

#7 cracked me up! So funny! I remember when my mother use to do the same thing, so effective!

You have to wait until your kids know the ins and out of embarrassment I think, before they care.

nonmember avatar A Hathaway

i cant believe you dropped the F bomb in the 10 confessions article..in #1 ! ! ! wth??

nonmember avatar terry77

All hilarious! #2  :)

Rosalynda Dina

I can relate to all! In addition to #4 when family gives your kids sugar at 10pm. Really next time you can keep them and try to put them to bed!

nonmember avatar yer mom

shut the fuck up hathaway!

the4m... the4mutts

My exhusband is a great father, but doesn't always think things through. Like taking the kids for ice cream before he brings them home at 8pm. Common now! They'll stay awake half the night! Plus, I'm not big on letting the kids eat a lot of sugar, and he thinks sugar doesn't hurt anything.

So I've totaly gotten even. I baked all kinds of empty carb pastries, and not only fed them to the kids before he picked them up, but sent some with them, promissing daddy would let them have more after dinner.

I only had to do it twice. He got the hint.

Not the healthiest thing for my kids, I know. Bad mommy. But hey, it worked. Now he feeds them junk only once a week, before 6pm

nonmember avatar Kathleencale

I can relate to All these items but on another level. Motherhood is not represented by the devil in my eyes. This article is horrible.

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