Hilarious 'Honest' Toddler Spills 8 Secrets Every Mom Wants to Hear

LOL 29

toddler iphone
Not the real Honest Toddler
The latest Internet sensation happens to be a toddler. Or anyway, someone channeling one: Honest Toddler. He tweets and he blogs and OMG, he actually uses his words! Online, anyway. In a revealing Q and A the precocious tot admits that potty training isn't going very well at all ("I'm not interested in placing my most sensitive parts near a porcelain garbage disposal with an insatiable appetite for human waste"). And he shares with us his three toddler rules to live by: "Sleep very little, eat even less, break something."

"Honest Toddler" says everything your toddler would say -- if only he could speak in complete sentences.

Sage words from a small fry. But I think there's plenty for parents to learn just from reading his Twitter stream. Here are eight secrets to toddlerdom I just discovered from Honest Toddler's words.

Maybe re-think serving him lentils: "Lentils again for lunch. Am I being punished?" "Are lentils even people food?" "Lentils taste like beans that have given up."

And forget about the healthy bread while you're at it. "Multigrain bread looks like eczema. Not eating it."

What can be forgiven: "Not quite five and mama is having a glass of wine. Imma let it go because we're making apple pie and having pizza tonight!"

What cannot be forgiven: "No story tonight. Guess the 8pm primetime television lineup is more important than my growing mind."

But there's always a way to get back into your toddler's good graces. "Up from a nap. She bought my forgiveness with goldfish crackers. How can I stay mad?"

Why won't toddlers sleep? Don't they care at all about their mom's sanity? "No."

Toddlers notice when you throw away their artwork! "Just saw one of my drawings in the trash. OMG :("

Why toddlers fight getting dressed: "Every time a shirt comes on or off I feel like I'm being pushed through the birth canal again #toddlerproblems." "It's like the ring of fire around the shirt collar. My ears bend back and I just start praying."

What do you think your toddler would say if they could speak in complete sentences like this?


Image via jencu/Flickr

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nonmember avatar guest

lol. my 2-1/2 year old doesn't speak, but he understands everything, and he's a fiesty, cocky little guy. i cannot imagine what he'd be saying.

StarC... StarCarrillo

This is supposed to be a toddler saying these things?

Maxim... MaximumAsh

Starcarrillo- if you had read the article you would see the author write "'honest toddler' says everything your toddler would say -- if only he could speak in complete sentences." In other words, honest toddler is probably a parent that tweets from the toddler's perspective

nonmember avatar Johnesha

Hilarious! From the facial expression and body language my 18 month old has while trying to talk id say she'd agree. lol, Lord have mercy on me when she really starts talking

luv.m... luv.my.kids.365

Aww I would love to see this. Too bad I have Twitter issues. 

My6Rock My6Rock

Honest Toddler: I will not do tricks on command. I will not kiss people just because you say so. I will not make that funny face just because you are making it too. My face hurts just too look at you...

What, you have a yogurt bite? Gimme, Gimme, look I can pretend to read, kiss Grammy, or stick out my tounge while squinting my eyes. Just tell me what you want and don't hurt the yogurt bite. Gimme.

mrswi... mrswillie

I haven't had toddlers in a long time but my teens speak honestly to us.  lol

Chari... Charizma77

Funny and probably true!

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