20 Things I Don't Miss About Having a Toddler

jasperEvery so often hear it: A toddler throwing a massive tantrum out on the street. The screaming and yelling filters through my apartment window. And I think to myself, damn I'm glad my kid isn't a toddler anymore. Thank god that doesn't last forever.

And that's why I'm going to parent hell. Bwa ha ha ha ha! Look, I treasured every moment my son was a toddler. Everything was still new to him. It was exciting to see his first attempts at independence. Really, it was. But I am so glad I'm no longer spending hours and hours at the playground. Because after your 5,000th visit it kind of starts getting old.

Here are 20 other things I don't miss about having a toddler.

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Scooping the occasional poo out of the bathtub.

Safety locks everywhere. Now I can just open my cabinets the regular way!

Toddler TV. Not that we ever! (Hah.) But why are the engines in Thomas the Train always so cross? And why does Caillou have to be such a whiner?

Public meltdowns. Tantrums, screaming, going boneless, trying to run away -- don't miss any of that!

Strollers. So glad to be rid of that clunky thing.

Cleaning after the messiness.

"Go away, Daddy!" When my son was a toddler he wanted my attention 24/7. Now he loves spending time with his father -- maybe even more than spending time with me! Which is wonderful.

Toys that make noises. I don't really have to explain this one, do I?

Bath toy mold. If you live in a humid climate you know what I'm talking about -- green stuff growing inside the rubber ducky. Gross.

Saying "no."

Hearing him say "no."

Carrying snacks, wipes, toys, and 100 other things around with you all the freakin' time.

Toddler diaper explosions. This is why we're in such a hurry to potty train.

Looking for public restrooms. And this is why potty training sucks. "Please, mister, can we use your bathroom? I know it says 'employees only' but..."

Sand box fights. He stole that kid's shovel. That kid stole his shovel. Either way, now they're pummeling each other and you sould probably pull them apart.

Sand boxes. You know cats poo in there at night, right?

Feeling guilty about not taking him to "mommy and me" classes.

Taking him to "mommy and me" classes and feeling totally ripped off because those classes are bullshit and I could be doing the same thing at home for free.

Toddler sing-alongs. I don't like those songs.

Apologizing. Sorry he broke that. Sorry he's so fussy right now. Sorry he ate your houseplant. Sorry he woke up crying with a fever at 2:00 a.m. while we were visiting and disturbed your sleep. Sorry you hate the sound of small children. Sorry I reproduced.

What I do miss: That chubby little toddler face, the angelic curls, watching him sleep.

What do you miss -- or don't miss -- about your former toddler?

 

Image via Adriana Velez

 

confessions, tantrums

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Todd Vrancic

They are still portable!

Rachp... Rachpach1984

I still have a toddler, but I will miss him mispronoucing words and I will miss when he stops using jumping as his primary mode of transportaion. I will miss him falling asleep in his high chair on occassion, and I will miss him using the voice dial functions on Daddy's phone to call me at work.

jaznrich jaznrich

I still have a toddler, but can't wait until I can turn around for 2 seconds without having to worry about finding him in the kitchen counter!

backn... backngroovemom

I miss the hugs and kisses - as the mom to 2 tween boys ... they are few and far between and only in the privacy of our home! 

mamio... mamiofthree1982

LMAO!! I was cracking up so bad reading those! Its funny because I remember every single one of those things on the list...along with the fact that my oldest son who is now 13, used to puke allllll the time. A burp coming up the wrong way, something in his throat, smells, textures..that kid had a gag reflex like you wouldn't believe! I'm soo glad he got over that..my other 2 kids were great. But I'm ready for round 4, this little girl is coming in october-bring on the puke and poop!! LOL

nonmember avatar Nikki

I have 3 kids ages 5,3,&1 and even though the 2 older ones can really frusterate the hell outta me Im already missing theyre baby/toddler years. Especially my daughter who is my eldest. We were always so close, my shadow. She litteraly went/did everything with me. now she is already so stubborn n hardheaded. Its Her way or no way at all, so its a neverending battle. When I look at her baby pic or lullabyes I tear up...my how time passes u by. I wish they could b small for just a lil while longer

ArmyGal ArmyGal

I don't think there's a thing I miss about her being small. She's 4 and I seriously love this stage. 

nonmember avatar Kelly

My daughter is sixteen months so all of this is relatable. Seriously, the funniest article i've read in a long time :)

firee... fireeyes81

I'm in the thick of raising a toddler so I absolutely know what you mean.  There are many things that I will miss about this age though when it's all said and done.  I'm glad that we do have this time together, even if I am forced to deal with spills, accidents, uncalled for tantrums on occasion along with MANY other things that come with the territory of having a 3 year old!  At least my boy keeps things interesting for me ;P

Venae Venae

I miss that sweet baby voice - my boy's has changed and sometimes sounds like he's channeling Barry White.  I also miss his mispronouncing words - so freaking cute!

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