Toddler

Toddlers are big complainers. My husband and I joke that our 3-year-old son who is coming up on 4 is actually going on 65, since most of the time he acts like a grumpy old man in a restaurant at 5:30 who is receiving bad service from an inept wait staff.

"Of COURSE I want dessert," he says imperially when my husband or I deign to ask him if he'd like something sweet after a meal. "Are you trying to kill me?" he asks suspiciously after tasting the Brussels sprouts we cajoled him into trying. "Why aren't you getting me my milk?" he demands 3.4 seconds after he asked for a glass for the first time.

Obviously, all parents have their tolerance level and we are working on our son's general demeanor. But it also cracks us up and, most of the time, we are just glad our kid doesn't have Yelp.

I asked around and got some of my fellow parents]' input on these toddler complaints. I ended up with a list of top complaints of toddlers and their (imagined) Yelp reviews of their parents based on irate Internet commenters and their one-star reviews.

For instance, if my son could write a Yelp review of me, it would go something like this:

"My mom packs crappy lunches" (A, age 3) in the style of this review for Pini's Pizzeria:

I am giving the lunch my mommy packed today only one star because it's inedible, meaning I threw it out. My mom's lunches pretty much make me want to die or at least cry a lot. Each day she's packed my lunch, it's like she forgets that I love fruity bunnies and Twix bars. Why do I have these whole wheat pasta spirals and organic yogurt tubes? Doesn't she know that stuff is not delicious? I like delicious food! I like cookies! Cakes! Candy! The woman in the kitchen doesn't listen to suggestions. She is stubborn and cruel and sometimes she refuses me dessert if I don't eat her awful food. I am giving this place one star. Avoid it if you can.

Here are nine more toddler-inspired Yelp reviews:

"My mom makes me wear pants" (D, age 2) in the style of this Yelp review of O Spa in New York:

I would like to share my experience with my mom because I have been her son for about two years now. A one star rating, you ask? Well, here it is. I started coming here to get dressed because, well, I was born here and had no choice, so it was kind of like buying their pre-paid plan (minus any money exchanges). First, things were going well. I wore cute little onesies, simple cotton socks, and was generally wheeled from place to place. I have HORROR stories of children being dressed in frilly and lacy dresses that dig into their skin and make it hard to crawl, so I am glad I have none of those. Secondly, there is a man there. I'm not sure if he is the owner or what but he's terrible as well. He rarely dresses me and usually is in a hurry. I think his name is dad. One time, I called to make an appointment and he scheduled me with the woman I call mom who insisted I wear pants. That's when I lost it. Because who wears pants in the winter? I sure don't. If I want to be cold, I should be allowed to be cold. Pants!? In the winter!? Who has ever heard of such a thing? This is why mom's gets one star. Avoid getting dressed with her if you can.

"My mom won't let me have two cookies for dinner" (J, age 4) in the style of this Yelp review of Upstairs on the Square:

I find it extremely annoying to have cookie removed from my hand during the dinner hour. I haven't eaten dinner yet, but if the food isn't as extraordinary as cookies, I don't think I'll be going back.

"My mom sings too much" (M, age 5) in the style of this Yelp review for 3 Monkeys Cantina:

If you like the sound of garbage trucks falling into potholes, this is the place for you! Mommy needs to keep her singing mouth closed. Her octave range couldn't be any more limited with almost zero originality. I've listened to howling cats who have more vocal abilities than my mom. Everything she sings is terribly pitchy and screechy. Her voice sounds nothing like Dan Zanes.

"My mom wipes my face 'too rough' after meals." (T, age 2) in the style of this Yelp review for Accent Beauty: 

After a meal of smashed avocado and mango, I used my Groupon for the 3-minute face wipe down. From the time I was pulled from my high chair, I felt unwelcome. That aside, I didn't feel the atmosphere was conducive to relaxation or perhaps I expected more from a spa experience. My mommy was rushed, unprofessional, and rough. Not what I expect from a relaxing face wipe down. There was no soft music or nice lighting. The kicker was that I "paid" for 3 minutes and felt like it went on for 45.  I was shocked when she said it was not yet complete and I was going to have to endure more rough edges and cold water. I will never return to this establishment, not even at a discount!

"My mom wears only gym clothes" (T, age 3) in the style of this Yelp review of the Salvation Army:

Terrible outfits, terrible smell, terrible mommy fashion.

Dressing blows when you are my mom.

"My mom talks too loud" (N, age 2) in the style of this Yelp review of Ward III:

I have several suggestions for these parents, because it is a shame that a household can be run so poorly and the parents still be able to reproduce. First, if you plan to let the outside temperature hit 90 degrees (what's that you say? Parents don't control the temperature? Nonsense!). The least you can do is give up your air conditioning and let me be cool. Second, get a hostess. I don't have to wade through your sticky, smelly kitchen twice to find someone to help me. It would help if she had boobs that lactate that would be cool, but hopefully you already knew that. Third, if I ask you not to talk loudly, shush up. I have sensitive ears and would rather you only whisper to me. Unless I yell. In which case don't talk at all. Just fix my issue. I won't talk about the lack of sugar drinks here because it is too sad. Your failure on the other points makes me wish I were old enough to work so I could get a job and find another establishment to call home.

"My mom helps my brother first" (I, age 3) in the style of this Yelp review of Equinox:

The staff here incredibly rude. From front door to bathroom, the staff (AKA my parents) are rude and at times offensive. The kitchen is always overcrowded and the table always full. It seems that the overcrowding is due to their fertility rather than quality.

"My mom does not clean my playroom herself" (M, age 4) in the style of this Yelp review of Marshalls:

This place is an absolute jungle. Never go in this playroom unless you're a masochist. The Barbies are missing heads and there are hoards of Playskool figures, and random tools that make this place feel like a war zone. I've never left without a tantrum that can only be blamed on the mess. How many goldfish crackers does it take to get some decent cleaning people in this place?

"My mom takes too long to bring me snack" (A, age 3) in the style of this Yelp review of Dunkin' Donuts:

What can you expect of a couple of novice parents? Really unfriendly service from people who are quite obviously upset at their plight working for a boss who is so much smaller than them. Can I help that my stature fails to reveal my vast wit and intelligence?  The service here is extremely slow, sometimes there is a line of at least two other people -- the one they call "dad" and that baby my mommy just had. I get pirate's booty maybe 5 times a year, and they're always stale here. I wish there was a pirate's booty machine I could suckle in my bedroom, but alas, I was born to suffer and wait on the slow nature of the servers in this establishment we call "home."

What would your toddler's Yelp review be?