An Open Letter to My Single, Childless Friends

by Aunt Becky April 26, 2012 at 9:14 AM in Toddler

I'm the first one to admit that I had kids and settled down pretty early.

My first was born when I was 21 and my second when I was 25. I got married before my friends, did the baby thing before my friends, and I never thought it would change our relationship.

It did.

Here's what I wish I'd told them.

Dear Single, Childless (By Choice) Friends:

It's not you, it's me.

Well, actually it's both of us, but let's pretend I'm the one to blame here. It seems to work best that way.

When we speak on the phone, please don't tell me that "kids are loud," or "kids are annoying," or "ugh, they're just so ... loud, can't you stop them?" I'm aware that kids are loud, obnoxious, and annoying, but I love the shit out of them.

When I agree with you that "kids are loud, obnoxious, and annoying," I don't mean that to be an open invitation for you to tell me why you don't want to have children. I get it -- you don't want kids. You don't like kids. I respect that. So please, show me an ounce of respect for my choice TO have kids.

When I ask how things are going by you, I do want an answer -- I'd love some contact with the outside world, which, with three kids, I don't often get. It's interesting to me to hear about the things you do. When I ask this, I am actually looking for an answer. I am not:

Trying to tell you to get married
Trying to tell you to pop out kids
Begging you to tell me why your life is better than mine

While we're on the topic, I need to reinforce that I do not actually care if you have kids. I do not care if you do not like children and I do not care if you get married, buy a house, get fat, and pop out a couple kids. I appreciate and respect that you like the single life.

In return, however, I'd like to ask that you show some respect for my choices. Certainly (as I am told time and again), you do not wish to go down the road I am traveling -- that is fine. But, I have also chosen to not complain about the road you're on. I've not once implied that you should have kids, that marriage is (always) awesome, or that living in the suburbs is all that one can ever dream to achieve.

Marriage is hard work, sometimes so hard I can barely form the words to explain it. Raising children, while they are the tiny loves of my life, isn't always particularly rewarding. And the suburbs may have oodles of parking, but it's also boring here. I think it's something in the water.

Actually, I would like to be able to tell you about all that I do. I'm a writer now (far cry from the medical student I was, eh?) and I run a non-profit organization to reduce the stigmas of rape, trauma, mental illness, child loss, and other dark things. I'm pretty proud of what I do, even if the results of my efforts involve sweet kind emails rather than raises and company parties.

When I tell you that I "can't meet you at the bar in the city -- an hour away -- at 9 p.m. on a Saturday night," it's not because I don't want to see you. In fact, it has so little to do with you that it's almost absurd. By 9 p.m. on a Saturday night, even if I've managed a power nap and haven't done any major house chores, I'm tired. No, that's not right -- I'm EXHAUSTED.

There will come a day when this isn't the case, but I have three kids, 10 and under, who require a lot of, well, work. Trust me, I'd love more than anything to see you and hang out. I just ... I can't.

Until then,

Yours,

Aunt Becky (your boring breeder friend)

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Nonmember comment from Singlefriend

April 27, 2012 at 11:53 AM

You need to change the title of this to capitalize MY "friends." As the 12-year friend of someone who recently had a baby - who's wedding shower, wedding and baby shower I paid for and went to - my "friend" may not make my one hour important function because of her baby. i have two jobs and was there for her but when you choose to have the child, YOU are the ones changing the bounds and terms of your original friendship so YOU may need to walk a little faster to still meet in the middle! Very self-serving, yuck.

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Facebook comment from Joan Neville Buffa

April 27, 2012 at 11:54 AM

Gee whiz, stick with nice people. When my friends had kids before I did, I thought they were miracle little miniatures of my friends and loved them. Sure everybody wants to raise other peoples' kids, shut these people off. I am very proud of my daughter who has become a wonderful woman. She was happy and very obedient, it made some of my friends with kids mad so they would say little snide remarks. She never got into trouble and they'd say stupid things like "well your daughter (while we were at church coffee hour) is running, well lady she's not destroying things like your kid is. Live and let live and stand up for yourself, children are a gift and very precious ones at that.

Nonmember comment from tmdp

April 27, 2012 at 12:11 PM

Hm. Sounds like you didn't want kids. Who wants to be that bitter and feel exhausted all the time? Oh wait, maybe you should do the whole proverbial-mom-backpedaling and say, "BECAUSE IT'S SO WORTH IT!"

Was this whiny blog post worth it? Jeez.

KaysMom06

April 27, 2012 at 12:54 PM

The people in the world that choose not to have children should respect those of us who do choose to have children. If it was up to them, there would be no more people in the world! No one realizes how hard it is to raise children until they are the ones doing it.

Nonmember comment from Katie

April 27, 2012 at 2:17 PM

It sounds like you have some pretty cruddy "friends". A huge part of friendship is acceptance. It sounds like it's time to join some Mommy groups, so you can hang out with women experiencing the same things. I don't have children, but I love them. Sadly, I've lost most of my friends with small children. It's understandable, but sad.

Nonmember comment from Erin

April 27, 2012 at 3:05 PM

This doesn't come down to being a single woman or a woman with children. It comes down to having respect for your friends, and your friends having respect for you. It's also an issue of priorities and compromise. Several of my friends have young children, while I'm childless and single. I don't enjoy their kids, plain and simple. My one friend's son is whiny, obnoxious and cranky about 90% of the time and she knows it. I have no doubt he'll end up being a good kid, and I respect her choice to be a mother, but he's just not fun to be around. So how do we deal with it? She knows I'm always around to give her a break and go for coffee, a walk, a drink...whatever she needs at that moment. She, in turn, respects the fact that I don't enjoy her son and doesn't bring him around, and that I'd like to hear about how SHE is doing, not about how her son is doing. Money's tight for her family so I've offered to pay for the babysitter. She doesn't feel like she's trapped and that she can't see me, I don't feel like I've lost a friend to "the mommy zone". (and I'm not implying motherhood is bad....just the point some women get to where they forget that they have an identity outside of being a mother. She coined this term, not me) If you've got friends insulting your kids or saying derogatory things about them it's not that you have a selfish childless friend, you just have a selfish friend.

Nonmember comment from sonya

April 27, 2012 at 6:35 PM

I just read this. As a woman w/o children many of my friends who had children early in life tell me how lucky I am. That I should wait. Everything you say is true to a certain degree, but as with any relationship you have to be willing to give a little. I know that my married friends with kids can't be out late, need to probably bring their children, or I need to make the trip to see them. But, after so many trips to the burbs, to visit is it really that hard to ask your hubby/family/sitter to watch the kids for an afternoon so we can get together? I am starting to lose patience with many of my friends that tell me,"having kids is so much work. I am so busy." Yet they stay at home and have no concept that even though I am childless it doesn't mean I am not busy. I have to do many of the same chores as they do, but I work more than 50 hours a week. There are trade offs for every choice. i respect my friends who stay home, because it is a full time job. I bring over meals, help fold laundry, and babysit so they can go out- but after awhile if I am just an option then I don't need them as friends!

MeAndTommyLee

April 27, 2012 at 11:01 PM

I think I have a legit question.

Why are women that have no children on Cafemom in the first place? Just wondering.

Facebook comment from George Robertson

April 28, 2012 at 1:31 AM

Cafemom and The Stir turn the most meaningful things in life into Kardashian gossip... sickening

Nonmember comment from Paul

April 28, 2012 at 9:52 AM

MeAndTommyLee: The title of this is "An open letter to my single, childless friends".

Why are you surprised that people without children are responding when they were the intended audience?