Toddler

You too can raise a Lindsay LohanWhen I'm faced with a particularly vexing parenting problem, I tend to turn to trusted sources. Google, followed by people I know who have exceptional children. Or simply nice children. As a last resort, I find someone whom I'm pretty sure is going to agree with whatever parenting decision I've just made, and ask for confirmation on my (already cemented) plan.

One thing I do NOT do is call up the most messed up celebrities and pay them to give me parenting advice. But some people, apparently, do. And you can too!

There is this service called "Dial a Star" where you can pay an hourly rate to such luminaries as Michael Lohan and Danielle Staub just to hear them yak away. Even if you're not quite a parent, you can talk to Nadya Suleman (yes, that Nadya Suleman) about fertility treatments for only $12 an hour! You're dialing up right now, aren't you?

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Of course you want to learn how to emotionally scar your children forever via the most psycho Real Housewife of New Jersey (and that's saying a lot). Since Staub has earned thousands of dollars already through "Dial a Star," apparently you do!

Naturally you hope that your child will turn out to be as well-adjusted as Lindsay Lohan, which is why Dina and Michael Lohan are both available to take your calls and tell you the worst way to parent EVER.

It's genius, really. If you think you're doing a bad job with your kid, just call up these yahoos and instantly feel better about your own parenting. I'm assuming this is how Staub and Co. are making money, otherwise children all over American are being forced to tell their own mothers how pretty they are, and how they are not at all crazy. God help us all.

Would you call "Dial a Star"?

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