Have you ever read a parenting book and walked away feeling worse than you did before you read it? Yes? Well, me too. And we are not alone.
Recently, a study came out denouncing parenting experts' books for making mothers feel "confused and inadequate." Ask me why anyone would want to make new moms feel WORSE than they already do. We don't know why our babies are crying, these baby carriers require a master's in engineering to use, AND we have not slept in five weeks, two days, and 13 hours (but who is counting?).
What's that you say? You feel confused and inadequate already?
As a mother-of-two, I wasn't surprised by the study's findings. I'm not saying those books are designed to make moms feel bad about themselves, they just do. And it doesn't matter what style of child-rearing an expert is promoting: According to the study, research "into 50 years of parenting self-help books has revealed how, despite their differences, they have always issued advice as orders and set unattainably high standards for new mothers."
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I didn't need a study to tell me that one.
So a "how-to handbook" can make you feel like a crappy mom whether it's telling you to co-sleep or cry it out ... or telling you that your baby will be in remedial classes until he is 21 because you did not breastfeed him every hour on demand.
See, there's that "advice as orders" thing. I don't like it coming from anybody, not a renowned, legit expert on early childhood behavior, not a friend, not my own mother. That's why, for the most part, I swore off the parenting how-to tomes before my second kid was even born.
Feeling "confused and inadequate" comes naturally to me, anyway.
Do you think most books by parenting experts end up making moms feel bad about themselves?
Image via Amazon
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Comments 16
I actually loved the book you have pictured here, lol. But I understand what you're saying. There are books out there that do make one feel less than adequate. There are also books out there, though, that encourage and build up parents - some I've actually cried reading, being told that I don't have to be so hard on myself and feel so guilty all the time for not living up to the ideal I feel I should, which is something I think most parents need to hear, because we do tend to be so insecure about our parenting. (cont)
I think the books that can offer that kind of reassurance and edification are important when we're talking about the most important job we'll ever have, a job where we're constantly judging ourselves and being judged by others, from strangers on the Internet (I know everyone on CM has seen it at some time or another), to even our own family and friends. It's nice to read a book every now and then that encourages me in the parenting style I believe in, or may be trying to implement and feel terrible for not succeeding the way I feel I should, or makes me feel like no matter how hard I get on myself I'mnot a failure. Often parents don't get that side of the coin enough, so to speak, because too often motherhood seems like a competitive sport or something; so many mothers seem to be out to out-mother everyone else, so many sanctimommies who seem to intend to make anyone who doesanything differently feel like they're terrible, even abusive, parents...
So I think it depends on the specific book, and why we're reading what we read. I've read quite a few books (like the one shown) that I've absolutely loved that aren't all preachy or out to make anyone feel badly. There's no need to throw out all of it just to avoid the more self righteous ones, the ones thatdo make you feel badly, if you get what I mean. I'm not one of those who thinks I have to agree with everything I read, though, so, perhaps it would be different if I felt myself under that kind of pressure...
The only one I read was a book my mother-in-law sent me called something like "The Girlfriend's Guide to Motherhood". It was written by a real mother, and it was a very honest account of pregnancy, labor and delivery, and the first year of motherhood.
There are misleading article headlines, sanctimonious paragraphs promising death and destruction for letting ur kid play outside/not play outside etc, and the comments? There's nothing more judgemental and personal unless its face to face.
Parenting books don't typically call you a stupid bitch, ignorant cow, poor excuse for a human being, or say you don't deserve to have children.