I woke up this morning feeling like I'd been through hell. My neck was sore, I had bags under my eyes, and I couldn't wait to get into the shower and wash the night off of me. As I surveyed the damage, I couldn't help but be struck by some similarities to something far, far from the life I lead now ...
1. I'm constantly covered in bruises and bumps, which I have no memory of acquiring.
2. I get whispered to in a language I can't understand in the least.
3. I often decide to sleep in a bed other than my own because it just feels so good.
4. I fall asleep with grubby hands stroking my face and a tongue licking me.
5. I often wake up at midnight and find two members of the opposite sex beside me.
6. I have absolutely no memory of how the other members ended up in there.
7. I get groped at 3 a.m. by mysterious fingers.
8. It's not unusual to be awoken at 5:30 a.m. by a boy straddling me and taking off his shirt.
9. I'm sore in places I had no idea existed.
10. I know the whole thing will be repeated again tonight.
Anyone else feel like they're living in some weird parallel one-night stand universe?
Image via Scary Mommy
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Comments 93
Maybe some people need to stop being so uptight and find a sense of humor. This was a very funny article.
This is funny, but I think the list should be changed so that it doesn't include 7 things about co-sleeping or change the title to make it about co-sleeping. These things are why we don't co sleep =P. However, I do wake with bruises in places I didn't know exsisted, and I don't know how they got there. I wake with the bags under my eyes and feel hung over, although I do not drink. We feel your pain despite our comments about the article!
I see the humor, but I agree -- this is all kinds of creepy. Ew.
Why would your child be straddling you in the first place, let alone removing his shirt? Excuse me, I need to go wash off the ick now.
@Louise -- Uh, this IS an online forum, for COMMENTS ABOUT THE ARTICLE. It in no way says "Only Comments That Agree with my Premise".
Who voted you Hall Monitor, anyway?
Thanks for giving me a good laugh this Monday morning. (Really wondering why some of the commenters here are so serious and cannot appreciate this for what it is - just a light piece to give us harassed moms a good laugh sometimes.)
I think the kids need to be in their own beds
This is funny!!! lighten up. The writer is not in any way boasting about a wild, single, past sex life, but lets face it, those who did do the one night stand (heck, even if you slept over at boyfriend's house after partying all night) know what she's talking about.
And this is why I prefer Scary Mommy! Jill you tell it like it is, and I really prefer to stay on Scarymommy.com as opposed to Cafe Mom. People get so "OMG!" reverant about their little monsters that they can't see the humor in things like this. Being a parent sucks sometimes! Yes, kids do gross things like lick you! Sometimes you wake up to cramps because a child has invaded your bed space. Geez, quit being self righteous bitches and admit to it.