10 Ways Parenthood Is Like a Drunken One Night Stand

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I woke up this morning feeling like I'd been through hell. My neck was sore, I had bags under my eyes, and I couldn't wait to get into the shower and wash the night off of me. As I surveyed the damage, I couldn't help but be struck by some similarities to something far, far from the life I lead now ...

1. I'm constantly covered in bruises and bumps, which I have no memory of acquiring.

2. I get whispered to in a language I can't understand in the least.

3. I often decide to sleep in a bed other than my own because it just feels so good.

4. I fall asleep with grubby hands stroking my face and a tongue licking me.

5. I often wake up at midnight and find two members of the opposite sex beside me.

6. I have absolutely no memory of how the other members ended up in there.

7. I get groped at 3 a.m. by mysterious fingers.

8. It's not unusual to be awoken at 5:30 a.m. by a boy straddling me and taking off his shirt.

9. I'm sore in places I had no idea existed.

10. I know the whole thing will be repeated again tonight.

Anyone else feel like they're living in some weird parallel one-night stand universe?


Image via Scary Mommy


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Ashley Rewakowski

Um, what were you doing before you had kids and what the hell are your kids doing now? This article (besides being poorly written) is all kinds of wrong.

PJThom PJThom

I think it's funny. I totally get what she's saying.

Kwiat2 Kwiat2

Maybe you should change the title to 10 ways bed sharing is like a one night stand. I know plenty of parents who have a no kids in their bedroom policy and they probably have no idea what you're talking about.

nonmember avatar Wow

I can see a little humor in this. But overall I'm getting a creepy vibe. Comparing your children in bed with you to anything sexual is twisted. I'm surprised you didn't throw anything in there about breastfeeding. Needless to say- strongly dislike this article

hamem... hamemedowns

I bedshare but don't find any similarities between my kids at night and past sexual encounters.

Eques... EquestrianMom

LMAO! Ive never tried a one night stand, but have heard some horror stories from other women! Honestly never occurred to me to compare it to having bed  hogging kids, but too funny!


Amy Beckler Cseh

Totally your own fault.  Try having the kids stay in their own beds.

Billie Garcia

those of you who are saying mean things are a bunch of hypocritical, uppity, bitches. Get over your self. Scary Mommy... I get you!

Kimberly Knapp Jespersen

Ok people, maybe if you remove the big stick from your butt you'll see the humor in this article. It is funny and I get exactly what she is saying.

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